Una Loca trying again

It´s a BOY!!

2011-11-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

I finally have a few minutes to give you an update. I am currently 19 weeks and we just found out that we are having a boy. I am so happy. I secretly wanted a boy. My husband is getting more excited as the pregnancy progresses. He started out very detached and now he is even letting me look at strollers...amazing. I realized how bad I wanted to hear him say that it was ok to look at strollers while we were at toysr.us today. So weird.
I still feel like something will go wrong any second...but we are still going strong here. Level II u/s is tuesdayto check for heart problems, since my nephew was just born with some issues and needed heart surgery. I can´t wait to see the little man once again.
Again, I can´t say enough for New Hope in New York. I think they truly care and do what´s best for EACH patient.

All good!

2011-09-17T22:17:00.000-07:00

We are all good here. Baby is growing right on track. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning every day. I cried during the NT scan and all. Gordi and DH were there and both got so excited to see arms and legs all over the place.
Also, I don´t want to advertise or anything but my clinic is AWESOME. I think they mentioned me on their blog. Here is the link for their success stories. I graduated from them in September, so it is possible.

Late update

2011-08-28T15:48:00.000-07:00

I keep forgetting to update the blog...
Good news! The subchronic hemorrhage is reabsorbing itself, just like you all said. The baby is right on track. The heartbeat was at 164 bpm last monday. Amazing.

I am having a rough time believing it...I made it to 9 weeks on friday (my birthday) and DH surprised me with a weekend in Orlando. After 9 weeks I could resume swimming in the pool/beach and sex (finally!!!). So I did both! but I was so so scared. I kept checking for bleeding or cramps...I really can´t believe this is happening. It feels almost too easy. Is that weird?
I am happy, and excited. I can finally eat everythig (mostly). I am extremely hungry, and tired. I love it. Love it. Love it.

Thanks for all your support. The blogosphere is amazing.

Not as easy as it looks

2011-07-31T07:01:00.001-07:00

Beta #3 was 3200. My numbers are great.
My OB told me that I could get a sono at week 5 because the numbers were so high that there could be more than one bean in here. Well, the numbers are not that high, but my OB is not used to testing this early either..anyways, I went ahead and got the sono done. Who would decline a sono, right?? There is one baby. Measuring a couple of days ahead. There is also a subchronich hemorrhage. Great, right?? Well, the OB that was at the office when I got the sono thought that I was bleeding already and went ahead and gave me "the speech"...well, it is early, don´t keep your hopes up...and all that...I told him I wasn´t bleeding, but the tech wanted him to review the sono results. He said that we could do another sono in 2 weeks, at 7 weeks. The hemorrhage is very small (.4 cm), so we have a pretty good chance.

After this sono, I came home anf felt the same way I did when I lost the other baby. Completely numb, and shocked. Why did I think that the hard times where over already??!! How could I??
It feels like I have to endure all these pregnancy symptoms until they tell me it´s over. I know I am overreacting, but I can´t help it. I hope it all works out. I am going to focus on my new teaching job that starts tomorrow, and try to make it to the next sono.
Renovation Girl, how do you do it?? You are so strong. I admire you.

Positive!!

2011-07-25T17:54:00.000-07:00

It is positive!!

Beta at 7dp5dt was 49
Beta at 9dp5dt was 148

Morning sickness...check!
Tired..check!
Sore boobs...check check!!

SO happy...and scared...so scared

Impatience

2011-07-19T05:19:00.000-07:00

I have never been able to hold off on anything. Since I was a child. I guess I was lucky my parents gave me a lot.
It is still the same. I woke up today like a child in Christmas morning. I went and POASed (eventhough we are at 6dp5dt). AND, I saw a very faint line!!!! I hope that´s a positive this early.
This time around we are using Cri.none and Es.trace, as well as a h.cg booster shot at the time of transfer, so I am cramping like bad PMS, and I have this dull lower back pain. I am not sure if its the hormones, but it is a lot...really early.

Anyways, I already went into the forbidden world of baby.center and saw my due date. How crazy am I?? After a m/c 3 years ago!! I should know better and keep the computer away..but I really can´t. I pray that this one stays for the long run.

My husband´s response: I will be happy when you are 9 months pregnant.
I am so happy to have some POSITIVE news. You guys and my mother and husband are the only ones that know. I won´t say a word until a positive blood test, and that´s just because I have groupies cheering me on through this one. So many people has been helping me so much during this cycle. It is so overwhelming.

I'm back!

2011-07-13T20:08:00.000-07:00

Hello bloggy friends,
I am sorry it has taken me this long to post. It was hard to come back. I felt like I had nothing to share, because I was stuck in the TTC process.
I am happy to report that I had a sFET today. I feel pretty positive about it, and I also feel like I can handle either outcome because I've been through it already. We'll see, right? I decided to pay at N.ew Ho.pe in N.ew Y.ork. I tried to get in the FREE trial, but because I had a previous I,VF done, I was not allowed. They have a great team and I really trust them. I am doing most of the monitoring locally and the major parts in the city. I have friends that let me/us stay with them. Amazingly generous of them. I did a Mi.ni-IV.F cycle. Only Clo.mid and Men.opur which still led me to have OH.SS...just a little bit. Awful thing. I had 5 frosties ( 4 as of today), all 5 day blasts and one an exp. blast. Great outcome. It was a great summer vacation for us. We visited all the main attractions, and felt like we were at home. It has been a great experience. Now, I will not do IV.F again. I have these 5 chances, and I will use them all, but I will not go through retrieval again. I have come to terms with our situation and I am happy as we are. This is all we can do.

I just want to say that I still read your blogs, I know I don't comment much anymore. I am sorry. I am super busy though.
Congrats Baby Ruth!! Sofi es una preciosidad!

New adventures

2011-05-05T07:11:00.001-07:00

With this cycle starting next week, I have decided to try acu.puncture. It all feels very exciting and different. Hopefylly we will have a different outcome as well.
The new clinic is amazing.
Acu.puncture was really strange. I didn´t think my fear of needled would return, but it did. It was pretty gross. I worked out pretty hard the morning of it, so maybe my muscles were too tight..I don´t know. It felt very weird and not really that relaxing. I asked him to remind me of the good things that come with acu-puncture...I talk a lot when I am nervous.
I will try it one more time.

Should I try anything else? I want to stay away from Dr. Goo.gle as much as I can, so I won´t research anything else. I will start prenatals this week and acup. I stopped coffee. I am going to 2xweek exercise from 4xweek, and I am starting my anxiety diet - eat as much as I want..meaning, a total pig. I am trying to stick to my low carb, vegetarian diet as much as I can. It has proven very hard when my anxiety is running high.

My BFF is in labor. Well, she has been in labor for a few days now, and needs to be on bed rest for a week to hold the baby till 37 weeks. I am her son´s personal choffeur. I really hate this soccer mom life even more now. I drive the kiddos all around town for swimming lessons, school, food, playdates...Being a soccer mom while thinking IV.F thoughts all day long is hard. I just want to sit down and read blogs and look at my calendar over and over all day long, and I can´t. My patience is running low. Especially now, that my daughter keeps defying everything I say...

wish me luck!!

IVF # 2 is almost here...and I am afraid

2011-04-27T18:40:00.001-07:00

Yes it is. I am definately as excited as I thought I would be, that´s for sure. I think I am afraid. Very afraid. Of the meds, shots, failiure, devastation, loss of oportunities...all of it. I guess it´s a normal reaction. Today I even questioned my capability to care for an infant. Maybe I am done?? Maybe I don´t have the patience for a baby and a 4 year old??...Most days I don´t have any doubts, but as the day to start IVF #2 approaches, I get more and more defensive.

I am starting acu.puncture next week, and the cycle starts the following week. In NY.
We have the logistics figured out and it looks great. Now I just have to get pregnant, right?

From where I stand today, I don´t think I can handle another cycle. Both phisically and emotionally. I am very exhausted and tired of changing all my plans and adjusting my life for another cycle, another trip, another try...I sure hope this one works.

DH´s numbers are lower than ever. No chance at another miracle again. I am throwing away my OPKs.

Tv is just evil

2011-04-19T20:26:00.000-07:00

Do any of you follow Parent.hood? I love that show.
I was preparing myself for one of the main character´s pregnancy....well, she has some sort of scarring in her uterus so she can´t. One day, she decides she wants more babies, so she goes to her husband, tells him she wants to adopt and he says yes. Just like that!. So unlike the real thing...
they love to lie on TV.

Other news: DH and I head out to NYC tomorrow for the initial visit at the clinical trial. I am praying that AF shows on time...tomorrow. Yes, I´ve tested and 2xBFN. Oh well. It´s just going to be my husband and I travelling. Gordi is staying with my in laws..I have to admit, I am pretty nervous about it, but I have to relax, right? How can I relax?? There´s so much going on right now. Maybe accupuncture when I start the cycle?? mmm...

All at once..too much??

2011-04-15T18:10:00.000-07:00

Today was a crazy insane day. I woke up to an email from my dad saying that he had spoken to Dr. Moron. He detailed the conversation and I was ok with it. I was supposed to call Dr. Moron to get the dates set according to my cycle now and all that. An hour later, I received a call from a 212 area code...which can only be from the clinical trail place. It was them! They had some openings available and she was calling people on the waiting list...WHAT!??!?! Yes, it was my turn. I told her when CD28 is and she made an appointment for me next friday. I.am.going.to. NYC. next thursday!!! DH had the wise idea of leaving gordi with his parents since we have to be in their neck of the woods on thursday anyways, and leave by ourselves.for.two.days.alone. I can´t believe it. Even if we don´t pass the initial visit stage, we are going to be alone for 2 days in NYC. I love that city. Well, they need to review our tests and give us the ok to proceed. Treatment will start 2 weeks after the initial visit, which will be the 2nd week in May. Two hours later, I called Spain, Dr. Moron. He said that June-July might not be the best time because a lot of Drs are using those months as vacation. We might have to do it from the end of August through October. He wants to do the long protocol. A problem arises here. Gordi is going to VPK next school year. VPK is a free voluntary pre-kindergarten program (3 hrs a day everyday). If the child misses 20% of the time, she´s dropped and I would have to pay from then on. I don´t want to pay, that´s for sure. I guess I could find alternatives for a decent price...Also, I could put her in school in Spain for 2 months. That´s very appealing. Her Spanish will be perfected then. So much to think about, huh?? I sure hope I am pregnant this year if I get to try IVF twice, right??

could it be...

2011-04-12T13:52:00.000-07:00

I am so thankfull for the blogosphere and for you guys. At this point in my infertility road, I have nobody to talk to about my crazy thoughts. They all think I am crazy already and I am tired of looking like a fool. My blog is a safe zone. I can say whatever crazy idea, feeling or thought and I feel confident that all of you are going to understand and actually provide interesting and supportive feedback. So I am spotting and cramping lightly. Brownish discharge (sorry for TMI). I have ovulated on my own my last 3 cycles. Yes, on my own. It happens on day 16 and I usually get my period on day 28 or 29. Amazing, right? This hasn´t happened in 2-3 years for me. The last time I can remember having 3 regular cycles back to back was when I got pregnant and miscarried. So, as a good infertile that I am, I have been using OPK´s and doing the whole Bedding dance when I was supposed to and in the positions that I feel are more successful according to my past 2 pregnancies. DH has been taking his Ferti.laid and all!! YES!! and I didn´t have to put it in food like a dog.. The problem (or miracle) is here: I ovulated on saturday night or sunday. There shouldn´t be any blood right now, at least not until next week on wednesday. Weird, huh?? I did spot before I got my BFP on the m/c cycle. Is this implantation bleeding?? I have googled it already, and yes, it can be brownish and it usually happend a week before the period starts... Now, let´s list all the possible reasons for this spotting: Early period Some sort of pro.gesterone problem pregnancy just to have another m/c (please God, don´t make me go through that again!) .... I am very excited right now. I know I shouldn´t be...but I can´t help it. It gets me every time. So sucky. For now, I didn´t work out yesterday or today. I won´t work out all week until I get my BFN. I have a chemical peel (vitali.ze peel) on thursday. I do one of these every two months to help my skin with acne scars and new lesions. Should I cancel it? I am trying to breathe to relax when I feel like I am getting to tense (especially around my lower abdomen). What else can I do?? I am not drinking coffee this week either. What else??!! I hope this is the one. Now you all understand why I can´t say this to anyone else...they´ll feel bad for me or pity me, or think I am stupid as hell.

Men..

2011-04-02T21:11:00.000-07:00

I was just bored, and decided to check stirrup-queens L&F page. I am so mad Mel has decided to update once a week now...oh well. I understand the reason. Idon´t know how she can do all she does. So I stoped by Erica´s blog. She is dealing with secondary IF, like me, BUT she just had a baby. So lucky huh?. I always check the way they got preggo...maybe I can do it too, right? She has PCOS too. Usually, when a woman has PCOS, they RE gives them clo.mid, met.morphin, injectables...IUI´s...everything and anything they can to force ovul.ation. The men are ok. But my man is not OK. He has been at one point, because I have been pregnant 2 times. Miracle? maybe. Not likely. So after reading that blog, I asked my husband (like many times in the past) why won´t he try the chinese medicine doctor next to his office and some Fertil.aid? I didn´t even mention diet and exercise. He´s not overweight, at least not too much. He needs to get healthy though. He shut me down. My argumet was valid. I told him that IV.F sucks and I suffered through it, and I will do it again. If we are not going to do another cycle again for another year, why not try the old fashioned way? Why can´t he go to the doctor and try and get his numbers up for a few months? It would be so easy if his numbers were better. Right now, my RE will not even consider IUI´s or clomid or anything but IV.F with IC.SI. at a very high price tag. DH thinks it is a waste of time. He seems 100% sure. I know he is trying to protect himself, but I don´t know why. It feels like he loves me less just because he won´t go through anything for me, as I´ve done for him. I can´t understand his reaction. It´s like we are back 2 or 3 years ago. I guess it is ok for me to go through IV.F alone, but it is not ok for him to get SA´s and acupuncture needles once a month. Does anybody have any wisdom for me?? Thanks!!

Updates

2011-03-31T14:26:00.000-07:00

Everything has gone to heck. Yes, or hell, whatever you find acceptable... Why do I feel like it´s always this way?? I make plans, and none of them work... Last thursday, after a very stressful day with a job interview at Fl.orida V.irtual Sc.hool, I finally got my period. It was day CD30. Yes, pretty regular, huh? And better yet, no acne to show for it. Really weird and exciting. I am a normal woman...kind of...no weight/hair/acne/irregular period issues anymore. Weird. I am happy about it...if only I could get my DH to start a healthy diet and some exercise...I wish I could magically get his numbers up.. So, I called the iv.f trial clinic to make my initial visit appointment. They told me they were full for 6 to 8 weeks. To call then. WTF?! What am I supposed to do now?? Last time I talked to them, there was plenty of room for me. That was 2 weeks ago! So, my guess is that the trial will never happen for me. I still call almost daily. I never speak to anybody.... Now, plan #2 is plan #1. Spain. I know its free. I know it´s really my only option at the moment...but I am scared to death of doing it again. If you refer back to my posts, I really went through hell and back. They treated me horribly, they offended me constantly...I felt like an animal. I don´t need to go through that again!! Because of money?? My mom was in the US last week. I cried to her and she listened. She´s amazing. She said that maybe I can ask my dad for the money as a loan. I can repay him when I get a job...should I? My dad is very complicated and proud. I don´t think he´ll lend me the money. What if he says he won´t...I´ll never speak to him again. DH said that we could do it on our own next year, by March. (Didn´t I say this last year???). Well, DH is 100% on board now. He really wants another baby, and a sister or brother for gordi. REALLY wants one. Finally. So I am back to square one. No options untill 1 full year. I still go back and forth..maybe I should just ask my dad....maybe I should get a job and make money, use my master´s degree, build up my resume and try again in 2 years...so hard...I am going to Mo.ffit in April to get the report my local clinic needs to make me an egg donor. Maybe that will work. I am going to keep trying a lot of different things and we´ll see what happens. I am exhausted. I want to get this over with. Sigh..

Positives and Negatives

2011-03-16T20:11:00.000-07:00

I´ve got a positive on a OPK. Finally. I guess, between all the hormones they´ve given me and the BCP I self-prescribe every once in a while haven´t allowed me to ovulate on my own. I tested this month and I ovulated on CD 21. Crazy, right? I need to research that. So my period will come in about 12 days from now. Then I will have to go to NYC to visit the clinic and get the official acceptance for the trial after the physical exam and u/s.

Negatives...well, I am becoming SO negative. Everything will be awful if you listen to my thoughts. It turns out to be better than what I think, most of the times, but I always have a feeling that whatever can go wrong, will. Not just in IF issues...all issues. Today, well, tonight I feel blue...so sad. One of those days, where the only thing that would fix me is my very own baby in my arms not letting me sleep. I crave it SO BAD sometimes. It hurts. Most days I am fine. Most days I am convinced, sure, that we will be fine just the 3 of us. Then another pregnancy announcement ruins everything. Or belly pic on face.book. Or a trip to the children´s museum. Evil Evil place.

I am ready to start the trial, or IVF in Spain. Whichever. I am not ready to be crushed again. Even this cycle. We had very timed sex. I almost forced my DH to stay in the morning yesterday for a quickie, in a very specific position...bla bla bla...Today I felt something around my uterus...I went directly into preggo symptoms mode. It has to be it...I am so nuts. I will be crashed again. I almost rather be on BCP to avoid all this. I am so done.

I am scared

2011-03-09T16:59:00.000-08:00

I have an opportunity to possibly be a part of a clinical trial in NYC. They´ve sent me the letter accepting me if the physical and 1st u/s goes well. Which it should.

I should be happy, right? I am happy. I can´t stop thinking about this...
BUT I am doing so great right now. I love my hubby like never before. I love my daughter. I feel like I have by life back...another IVF cycle could make me loose it again. Could it?? Hopefully I have learned from the past cycle, and past experiences, and I can deal with all the dissapointments, stress, loneliness, anxiety, pain...can I?? Should I go ahead and move forward? Throw away another $4K?? In the scheme of things, $4K is not much. It could be $12 K...

I can´t let this opportunity pass...I will try it, then I know that I have another 2 tries in Spain..if I have the energy to try 3 more times. My IF road is coming to an end, regardless of the outcome. I am done with it. It feels really good to know that I am done. I am happy where I´m at. I don´t NEED another baby to be happy. I love my life and all the blessings that I have. I never thought I could to this place, this happy place. I am so proud of myself. Of course it still hurts...but I can handle it!

Things that break my heart...and put me in very ackward positions

2011-02-28T15:13:00.000-08:00

I have been waiting for what happened today for a while now. I was watching gordi´s dance class (they let us observe the first monday of the month) and i was loving every minute of it. UNTIL...she said: "You know what?? My mommy is having a baby sister for me!"...WHAT!!. I wish I was. But I am not. Most likely I never will.

Of course, all the moms started to congratulate me and the teacher started saying something like "surprise, surprise.."...when I stopped them all with my very red face and a loud NO. I AM NOT PREGNANT.

It was awful. I wanted to cry so bad.

Then, the mom next to me started explaining how she must really want a sister to say that...REALLY...I HAD NO IDEA!. Gordi has never said anything about wanting a brother or sister. All her friends have younger siblings and she´s never mentioned it. She actually hates babies. It is a weird thing..she hates babies A LOT. This always helped me deal with our infertility, of course. I used to think: well, at least she won´t have to deal with a baby at home...One less issue to worry about.
Until today.

Besides this incident, we are all doing wonderful. My husband and I are getting along great. We are almost back to pre-IF times. I am getting used to the idea of just having one child. It gets easier and easier every day. I haven´t seen my therapist since before Christmas. Another accomplishment there. Don´t get me wrong, I cannot wait to start my meds and get this IVF round 2 started, but I am ok with my life now. It seems like a very long shot to actually get pregnant again.
Positives:
-I´ve lost all the hormone weight (8 lbs total)
-My abs have returned and my belly has dissapeared.
-I have enough energy to work out almost daily
-Anxiety has left my pantry
-Boob Job scheduled for summer 2012, after we are done with all IVFs
-I will finish my masters degree by summer 2012
-I will get back to work by summer 2012. No more holding off until the kids get to Kindergarten.

All of those things are helping me get through rough days.

Also, I am having a tough time being the soccer mom I am supposed to be...I really cannot have a conversation about what´s for dinner and about potty training and about kids! I just don´t enjoy it. at all. I love to have playdates for my daughter. She gets to play with other kids, but I hate the mommy conversations. I don´t consider myself an intelectual at all, but I can´t wait to get back to work. I might just work at my daughter´s preschool making minimum waige so I can work and not feel bad about leaving gordi in school more than I have to. I can work part time....

All the random thoughts out of my head now. I just had to share. Thanks for reading!!

New Plan

2011-01-26T12:58:00.000-08:00

...Finally!

Like we Spaniards say, me tuve que comer el orgullo...una vez más... I had to eat my pride, again. Yes, it´s true. After I had promised my friends and family that I would never put myself through IVF, or them, really. and after I emailed my father telling him that I was never going to ask him to talk to Dr. Moron and ask him for a favor...I just had to ask my padre to please, go through the process again. To be honest, after that email, my father responded saying that he doesn't mind asking Dr. Moron for anything and/or paying for my plane tickets (and my dughter's), he also said that he's worried about me and what all these hormones do to my body. Really? My father worries about me. Makes me feel like a little girl looking for her daddy's approval again, feels nice. He's so selfish sometimes...so proud..so materialistic..that I never think he can worry about me. It is a nice surprise, in the midst of all this IF hell.

The plan is to have my mother bring me all my meds from Spain when she comes in March. Dr. Moron can give her the prescriptions, she picks them up at the low price of barely nothing thanks to the social security, and she brings the meds across the border..haha..ocean, sorry. Sounds so dangerous. Now, talking about danger...Will she have any problems bringing lupr.on over?? most likely, he'll prescribe bir.th cont.rol pil.ls. till I get there and start stims. So nice. I should just have to be there for 2 weeks of stimming, retrieval, then another few days till trasfer. A total of 3 weeks. Then off to Marbella to relax w DH. Beach house...mmm...I can smell the ocean already!!

Will it happen this way?? Probably not...but I can dream for a few weeks.

1st goal: IVF started
2nd goal: IVF finished with good embies transferred. (3 of them).
3rd goal: BABY!
4th goal: Keep my sanity and my husband..I guess I should have my husband in goal #3....I don't think we'll have any problems until I get my BFN...right??

Make up your mind!

2011-01-15T19:48:00.001-08:00

So my husband has been changing his mind quite a bit lately...or at least he does when he talks to me. Let me explain. He wants me to STOP IT (all IF subjects, ideas, IVF cycles, etc) and move on with our lives..so most of the times when I am craying histerically telling him that we need a plan, that I need a plan...that I need to hold on to some idea of a plan he says to me to STOP IT, that we are not having any more kids and that we can´t afford another IVF. He does this to stop the crying, hoping, etc...
Every once in a while, he feels like telling me that MAYBE we can do this, or that...and MAYBE afford another cycle...AN INSANE ROLLER COASTER of emotions for me...not so much for him...

We just received some good news..a month ago DH was promoted to GM. $10K more a year. Two days ago, we found out that the bonuses that were eliminated 3 years ago are BACK! yessss!!! That can be up to 20K at the begining of next year (one full year from now).

THE PLAN: We max out our Flex spending account ($5K) this year. That gives us that much money and we don´t have to pay taxes on it. We max out or FSA next year as well. That´s $10,000 no taxes, no interest, right? If we can pay for half of the cycle before it, and the second half of the cycle when our insurance company lets us use our 2012 FSA, we can add $3K from our savings and afford ONE cycle. Very complicated. I hope you guys understand it.
We would have to pay $250 a paycheck for 2 years. The raise itself is a little over $300 a paycheck...so there it goes! Like we never got a raise. We should be in good shape when we get our bonus next year, plus I can start working August 2012 too because gordi will be in Kindergarten.

Conclusion: I will be able to do a cycle in March/April 2012. IF I get pregnant, my daughter will be 5 1/2 years old when I have the baby. So big!! But at least I get my second shot at all this.
I will be able to pick the clinic and Doctor that I want..a definite PLUS.

Another FREE cycle in Spain is not off the table...it´s just so hard to even consider going through that hell again...we´ll see what happens. Obviously, I would want to keep my money in my pocket if I could...

That´s the plan for now. Algo es algo!!

hard times

2010-12-29T17:14:00.000-08:00

I just gave 2 huge bags of 18 month to 3T clothes to a friend. All of the clothes I had, to be precise.
This is a very hard decision. It´s complicated. On one hand I don´t want to see them anymore. I have boxes and boxes of clothes than remind me that I won´t have more kids...that there is no future in sight...no action happening...nothing. A deep hole of nothing that fills my heart...
On another side, I want to keep them. I want to feel triumphant when I do get pregnant and I get to use them again...but that hasn´t happened in 3 years now, so I should just let it go and move on. Get more room in my garage, give the clothes to people that need them and are going to use them.

I have a friend, L. She´s very particular in many aspects, but my friend nonetheless. She has a 2 year old and I have given her many clothes. Now, another friend needs my 2T clothes and L won´t give them back to me. L has already sold one of our common friends´ tricile in her yard sale, without asking permission, or even giving the money made back.... I fear that L has sold all my gymb.oree clothes on a yard sale and pocketed the money...It pisses me off so bad. but WHY? I gave her the clothes, asking her to return them if I had another girl. It has been over a year and nothing has happened, I am not having any more kids. I should be ok with this. She might have used them too much and they just need to go to the trash now.
These clothes are loaded. The carry HOPE. My hope of having another child. If I loose track of them...maybe I will loose track of my babies...my dream...my hope. My life.

Today has been one of those days where I can´t smile inside. I might have smiled outside, but I am so sad inside.
I have no plans to do IVF again. I had to start BCP this month because my cycles are 45 days long, and I need to bleed...I need to try and regulate myself. I am preventing a pregnancy EVEN MORE...
I am mad that my brother in law won´t give us money to do a cycle when he makes a million $ a year...and is buying a house with a $1.4M tag. It´s just not fair. It´s not their problem, either. I shouldn´t be mad because they don´t offer to help me.

I am on the verge of a meltdown. I can feel it. I am tired of IF...

I need action!

2010-12-28T14:24:00.001-08:00

IVM is out the window.
The clinic that gives me free IVF will let me move forward, but they won´t allow it to anonymous...so it might take a little longer to get matched. No action there..

IVF in Spain is also at a stall. My dad said he wanted to talk to Dr. Moron in person. Until that happens, no action. If the Dr. says ok, I won´t be able to move forward until the end of June anyways. 6 months away...so long....

What do I do in the mean time? What a pain...I wish I could just start already...

self inflicted pain

2010-12-21T20:04:00.000-08:00

I guess I do that sometimes...like right now. I am resting from cleaning the house before DH´s family arrives tomorrow, and there´s nothing on TV. I thought I could watch "16 and p.regnant" show on MTV. It should be prohibited for IFers to watch that show.

Right now, I would go straight to the adoption route in a heartbeat! But my husband does not want me to even mention it. He doesn´t want to persue it. I think it sounds like the easier way out this hell. I know I am capable of loving a child, regardless where it comes from...

The FREE IVF clinic gave me a little trouble. According to them, the FDA doesn´t let them use me as an anonymous donor because I lived in Spain during the Mad Cow time. It is weird because no other clinic has ever even mentioned it. So I will be presented as a donor but the prospective receipients will have to meet me. No biggie, I guess. They declined me for a week, during which I broke down (obviously) and DH agreed that doing another cycle in Spain was the best way to do it. He doesn´t want to spend 6 or 12 thousand dollars. So I asked my dad if I could go back and do it again and he said he would have a talk with Dr. Moron. GREAT...
So things keep moving forward...

I.V.M??

2010-12-09T20:28:00.000-08:00

I have been in contact with an RN in charge of a study in NJ. They need women with PC.OS. I just sent all my results to them. The trial is In Vi.tro M.aturation for PCO.S.
I would have to cover diagnostic testing, anesthesia, and meds. Good thing is that meds should just be the Hcg shot prior to retreival.
I have friends in NJ...my bff here has an apartment with a sofa bed and a tv...lol...I guess I would have to pay for a sublet for a month, car rental for a month, 4 plane tickets, maybe 5...Is it worth it?I would have to take my daughter with me...

I am keeping all my options open. The clinic here that charges me $6K for a share cycle, the clinic in Margate that charges me about $1,500 for a share cycle and the study in NJ. We´ll see what happens in the end.
I need to keep moving. I need to start cycling soon...I´m sure you guys understand me.

I.V.M is actually a pretty good deal. After going through OHSS once, I can say that IVM and everything that helps me avoid it, is fantastic. I would love to try it. It doesn´t require any stims therefore lowering the risk of cancer (I know it´s not proven, but I just cannot believe it..)

On a positive note, my aunt, who is 42 married to my uncle who is 55 just got pregnant! They have gone through 5 cycle, one m/c and she´s finally 11 weeks. I am so happy for them. Also, my husband came home today with a promotion! I guess we could do a cycle on our own now, but I just can´t take this extra money away from him. We need to go on a good vacation and relax. It has been really stressful for him lately. Have you noticed how husbands turn to be awful communicators under stress?? Mine is terrible. It makes things very hard. I know I have to give him time, and things will be better. Hopefully Xmas will do the trick.

Also, I POASed today. I´m 8 days late. Which is normal, but I have had cramps for 3 weeks, and AF just doesn´t get here!! It´s driving me crazy. I do not recommen Lu.pron De.pot to anyone on earth! Evil evil thing. Now that we are in the 50´s (yes, 50´s in Tampa!), my hot flashes have dissapeared...thank god!

Free IVF

2010-12-06T11:27:00.001-08:00

Well, as free as it gets.
I have been calling every clinic that I am accessible to in the state of Florida and I found one in Margate that doesn´t charge for a cycle if I split it or share it with another couple. So I can share half of my eggs and get a cycle free. FREE!. I think I will have to pay a little over $1,000 in paperwork fees, and maybe some more because we need to use ICSI. hopefully I will need to pay more to freeze some embrios. That would be ideal.
So, my DH agreed and we are doing it! I have my 1st visit on monday the 13th. DH´s parents live about 15 mins away. How awesome is that! I have childcare included.
I am really excited. Now, we just have to get the OK from the Dr to be a share donor and proceed.

Wish me luck!
If anybody has had experiences either sharing or receiving their eggs (in a shared cycle), please let me know the details!!

I´ve lost some weight!

2010-12-03T21:24:00.000-08:00

I really thought that I was "aging" and was gaining weight and just couldn´t loose it anymore...stoopid lupron depot. Now that it´s almost out of my system, I have lost 5lbs in 2 weeks, and that´s including thanksgiving food. All the weight was concentrated around the waist and thighs. Now I am back at 120lbs. Hopefully I can stay this way.

I was reading the blog of an egg donor and noticed how she blamed lupron for the weight gain. I guess I can do it too.

On another note, I loooove my therapist. She´s a fertility psychologist. She fixes all my emotions...including the lack of understanding from my husband. She gave me a summary of "men are from ma.rs,wom.en are from ven.us" hahaha. She gets me. It makes things easier. All IFers should get a Kathy like mine.

Passing time..

2010-11-28T19:52:00.000-08:00

As time passes, I feel stronger because I haven´t lost it..YET...I have managed to stay sane so far. I am actually doing pretty good. My therapist is helping mefind ways to deal with stress and control my IF talk, which means, not drive my DH insane with all the IF talk. I think I can manage it better now.
So November is almost over and I have no plans for IVF so far...
I know: that I can only come up with about $6K for next year´s IVF, therefore, I know that I need to donate half to even attempt a cycle, OR, donate a full cycle, pocket $6K from it and then, pay for my own cycle.
I don´t know: If I´ll be able to donate at all. Let me explain. 2 of my aunts have had breast cancer. The one that had it the worst and 2 different times tested negative on the genetic test ( i can´t remember the name of it). So, her cancer wasn´t genetic. My other aunt, lives in the US and doesn´t want to test because if she tests positive, her daughter´s insurance will either drop her or raise the premium. She won´t test. The genetic counselor I went to, wrote up a report stating that the receipients of my eggs needed to be notified..blah, blah, blah...So, now we have to wait for my RE to say if we are ok to proceed and find a receipient or not.
We should be ok, according to the donor coordinator, but it makes me nervous.
I am trying to find ways to save money and make some extra money as well. I don´t think we would be able to do it for another year though...I kinda feel like our families should help...but they shouldn´t really...why would they??anyways, they won´t.
DH might get a little raise next month...
So many questions and changes and time passing...
My baby is huge now. 3 years and 4 months. She´s so tall and smart that she seems even older...I always said I didn´t want to have kids as far apart as my brother and me, but as of this month, my kids will be farther apart than me and my brother. 4 years apart. And I don´t even have a date in the near future to try again. It may be 6 months, it may be 2 years, it may never happen.

The holiday brake was nice. We drove to D.C. to see my BIL, husband and baby. Being around a baby for 5 days is hard....also, when the extended family avoids asking US when we are going to have another baby, after asking all the young couples...that´s when you know it´s BAD. I couldn´t even look up for a couple of minutes I was trying to keep the tears in so hard. I did good. I did not cry. Not once during the whole trip. I was sad for a day. Being sad doesn´t get me anywhere so I stopped. I finally understand what my husband tries to explain every time: why do I get sad, if nothing good is going come out of it, and I am going to be in pain??

Today I told my husband at the new Chi.ldrens mu.seum here in Tam.pa: I hate seeing pregnant women...i think...maybe I said I hate women who are pregnant. It´s late, I can´t see the difference now. BUT, I did say that. Am I nuts? maybe...I just hate going to the zoo or Bus.ch Ga.rdens or ANYWHERE and see all these women pregnant!!! I hate it.

Well, time passes, flies by....I need to focus more on the now, and how amazing my husband and daughter are, and less on the age difference and the possibility that we will be a family of 3 forever...

Hot flashes! GO AWAY!

2010-11-17T11:14:00.000-08:00

That´s all...
PLease, go away!!!

It´s been 3 months since my lupr.on dep.ot shot and I still get them...so miserable...

Ideas, Ideas..

2010-11-09T12:19:00.000-08:00

I have researching a LOT lately. Nonstop almost. I still take care of my daughter and get good grades on my master´s classes, but I am truly obsessed with IVF.
I joined a few websites that work as classifieds for donors and intended parents. I´ve made a g.mail address (donor727@gmail.com) if anyone is interested. 2 people contacted me, but it seems all false, or not really interested.
Last night, while I was trying to fall asleep, I had an IDEA. What if I donated eggs first in January or so. One clinic here gives $4K for that. With that money and maxing out our FSA, I could pay for a cycle, and actually not have to share my eggs. That way, I get $$, I get a chance at freezing some embies and affording it all! even the possible FETs.

I have to "pass" the donor paperwork first. I have an appointment with a genetic counselor next week, and after that I shouldn´t have any problems.

What do you guys think?? I know myself now, and all the midnight ideas end up being crazy thoughts that take me nowhere.

Any other ideas are welcome!!

what a day! week...year!..

2010-11-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

Today I had a baby shower.. I did not want to got, but gordi wouldn´t take a nap and I hate staying home (don´t ask me why) so I said I would take her with me, so she could play with her best friends. It was HARD. andI didn´t even stay for the presents...but I had to get one. I went to Tar.get...so hard.
Then I had dinner with friends, who have a 1 year old...HARD
When is it going to get easier?? I am so tired of it...WHat a year!

Random thoughts

2010-10-28T15:06:00.000-07:00

Lately I´ve been full of very random, yet important thoughts / feelings in my head...mainly because of my decision to donate eggs and do another IVF round next year and all that implies, AND my visit with THE BEST infertility counselor (psychologist) ever.

The counselor was awesome. My DH came along, per her request. She wants to see where we are both at. She gave us tips and exercises to get closer...she says that he´s distanced himself from me because he can´t fix it, AND I´ve become a psycho...obsessed with all things IF. Thigs are better now between us, and I have great expectations for the future.

On the other hand, I am going through all the donor process...a pain, if you ask me. It is $6K in paperwork and extra things to do, if you ask me.
A lot of questions have aroused from this decision. Moral questions, financial questions, my mom´s questions, my friend´s questions...it´s hard...it´s a lot!. I will give MY baby away. It will be one of mine. If I didn´t want one so bad, I probably wouldn´t care so much...but I do. Is it worth $6K? Could I sell them for more? Is it fair to sell them for more to a couple who´s struggling just like us? I do need the money...I probably won´t have enough embryos to freeze because of it, and one less chance at this... I could just wait 2 years and pay full prize when I start working again. Can I really wait 6 months for this?? I need it now?! BUT what if I could get preggo on my own again??

And, worst of all, my BIL just posted " Today is a great day!" on his FB status...and my MIL agreed, and his MIL agreed, and his wife too...without explaining...SHE´s SO PREGNANT!!!....I am having a hard time keeping the tears as a type this...they´ve been trying for a day or two...

Why does this have to be this hard?? Why can´t I shake it off and leave it behind me?

I guess I just answered one question...no, I can´t wait 2 years to have enough money for this. I guess egg donor is the route we will take.

By the way, I am so happy for Amy and this gal. So happy you guys got pregnant!!

Oh!! NEWS! My brother in law just called me..YES, she´s pregnant. I just want to die...please, take me out of my misery! And my husband thinks I´m sick for not being happy for them...I am happy for them, just very SAD for me.

Blogosphere, help me!!

2010-10-26T15:11:00.000-07:00

I have a question.

Like I mentioned before, I am considering donating half of the eggs produced in my next IVF to lower the cost and help somebody. The IVF clinic lowered my cost to 50% (=$6,000). I was happy with that, UNTIL my brother in law, who´s gay and has considered pursuing surrogacy with his partner, told me that he has been asked to pay $6K for a regular donor, but that price would have gone up to $10K because I have had a baby already and she´s healthy and we don´t have any genetic issues...Is $6K off a standard amount? Should I "shop" around for a better "deal"? Is there any way that we can find recipients through the blogosphere??

Another question: Should we pay for all the psychologic and genetic counseling involved in a split program? (donor program). The clinic called today and said they want me to go to gen.zyme and have a genetic counselor write a report on my genetics...Is that a standard step that donors have to pay?

I would love to hear from peolpe that know about the subject, or have gone through it themselves.

Thanks!!

Moving forward!!

2010-10-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

In a few months...
We went to the Reproduc.tive Me.dicine Gr.oup here in Tampa and we discussed our options yesterday. Even DH came along!! how awesome!. Well, before we miracuously got pregnant with gordi, we met with them and they offered the option of dinating eggs. To me, back then, 4 years ago, that was the worst thing anyone could ask me. It wasn´t worth $6,000....Well, now, if I want another try at IVF, I need to convince my husband that we are getting an amazing deal..one that we can actually afford. The Dr. said that I am a perfect candidate because we don´t have any herediatry illnesses and I had a beautiful baby. I am capable, young and healthy. So, instead of $12K we are going to pay $6K.
Cons: Minimal chance at getting any frozen embrios.

Pros: I help somebody have a baby.
Reduced fee for us

The $12 K includes meds. I know, pretty good deal. DH mentioned that we might use a canadian pharmacy to get them because it´s cheaper...Also, the Dr said that since I tend to overstimulate, we probably use less drugs anyways. We are going to use our flex spending acct. It makes sense. But we have to wait until next year´s insurance...March, I guess.

So, what does this mean? I have ONE more chance at this. I need it. I am nowhere near done. I am 28 years old. I have 4 bedrooms to fill in my house. I can´t wait to have more kids.
Dh and I talked last night and he said that after this try we are done. He doesn´t want to "waste" any more money on this. He doesn´t want IF around anymore. He wants to be free of it.
For me, I need more chances. This try can be this year, maybe we can try again after I work for a year and we have more money. For now, I´ll stay home with my daughter and enjoy our time together. She´s growing so fast, and so smart...I have a blast with her..She´s playing soccer (of course!) and she´s a natural...It makes me so proud. I have volunteered in her classroom and I almost cry everytime she sings or dances...so proud to be her mami.

I feel better now.
Thanks guys!

I can´t..

2010-10-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

I can´t say goodbye to my infertility or my longing for another child, so...it only makes sense that I can´t say goodbye to my blog and all of your blogs to get me through the day. Since I am reading and writing on your blogs, I thought I could give it a try a start over with my own blog.

First off, I´m sorry that I left so abruptly. I was SO mad. So mad. I can´t even describe it. I was even mad at my husband...for not being there when I got the call, for never being with me when I go through IVF and all IVF related procedures.

What now? Well, I can´t stop obsessing over IVF. I´ve looked at a million clinical trials, called..nothing. The best deal I can find (well, not the best, the only one I can try to afford) is a local RE that gives 50% off if you donate some eggs. So, here I am. I have an appointment on tuesday to see if they still offer it. It would be $6,000 instead of $12,000. Not bad. $6K seems easier to get to. I just don´t know how to finance $20K...it´s SO much money.

Obviously, I could work and make money and pay for it, right? But my husband argues that I will neglect my daughter (maybe the only child I will ever have) so that I can throw money down the drain??? because it probably won´t work??? Neglect is too strong of a word, but I would have to leave her in school all day if I went back to work. I´ve found a tutoring job that pays around $30/hr, but Dh doesn´t want me to leave my daughter with a friend or in school for 6hrs a week. He makes me feel so guilty for wanting to make some cash!. I don´t know if I can, or should confront him and just do it. I could make $6k in 10 months for sure...the rest I could pay from our checking.

He´s done. I´m not. I believe that if we tried one or 2 more times I would get pregnant. I´ve already been pregnant!!! twice!! Our chances are great!. I can´t just let it go because of money...

Any thoughts? advice? shoot!

bad news and goodbye

2010-09-14T00:44:00.000-07:00

None survived the thaw, and since nobody is following, I´m saying goodbye. Good luck to you all!

So nervous...

2010-09-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

I am freaking out people...I called my friend the embryologist and he said that Dr. Moron never told him that I was doing my FET tomorrow. OK. Well, I´m telling you NOW. Yes, he had seen my name on the weekly to-do list and knew it already....also, said that he was going to check with the girls at the lab and let me know. Well...here I am, still waiting next to the phone and it is midnight. I´m guessing he´s not calling tonight.

I am also guessing they will call tomorrow with bad news..I really don´t know how a FET works and all the thawing process (I´ll prob go check Dr. Goo.gle in a sec), but he probably knows whether there has been any progress or not with my embies. right?? They got them out of the tank today...then again, this is Spain...maybe nobody was working there this afternoon. Anyways, I can´t wait to know the status of my babies. I feel like they are babies already. I might loose 3 more!! I´ve already lost 3...

I´ll let you (or nobody, cause nobody is following) know tomorrow...

FET in 1 day!

2010-09-12T16:12:00.000-07:00

I have been enjoying myself this time around. I haven´t obsessed over anything related to the transfer. Finally. I feel my body very relaxed lately. Maybe it has to do with the fiestas here and all the partying I'm doing...It's been fun.
Transfer is on tuesday. I'm going to stay home this time around. Gordi will stay at school for a bit longer than usual, my bro will take her to my dad's for lunch and will bring her back for siesta. I'll just lay on the couch all day. In the afternoon my mom will take her to the playground next to us.
The fact that I don't have to be monitored at all has helped tremendously. I hate that place, and I'm glad I don't have to be there at all.
Wish me luck!!

PS: I am a little concerned about the fact that I'm not getting any comments to my posts...I started the blog in order to deal with my emotions, not to get reactions...but it was nice to look forward to a comment or two...

update

2010-09-07T16:15:00.001-07:00

I made it to Spain on sunday. Good flight.
Visit with Dr went great. Both my ovaries have stopped their normal activities, and my lining is 8mm. So, the transfer of my frozen embies is next tuesday, the 14th, that is, if they survive the thaw. I have to start pro.gesterone on thursday 3xday orally and 3xday vaginally on the 14th. I have to keep the es.trogen 3xday until after my 3rd month of pregnancy, if everything goes well.
I feel better now. Not so sick. Sometimes I just want to puke, and I´m exhausted. Jet lag is kicking my butt, and Gordi´s too.
Gordi started at the preschool here on monday so I could go to the Dr. She loves it.
We are actually having fun, the town´s fiestas started this weekend, so everybody is out and there´s lots to do. I´m going to a bullfight tomorrow. My mom organized it for me. I used to like it because it was more of a prestigious thing to do, but now I hate it...I just feel bad that she spent the money for me...I don´t know how I´m going to make it through the whole 2 hrs...
I am happy that my daughter gets to enjoy the fiesta like I did when I was her age...I told my mom today that if this FET doesn´t give me a baby, I´m going to go back to work next year, and I´m going to spend all my extra money in trips to Spain and taking care of us. I want my daughter to grow up like I did, with fiestas and family all around.
I have 0 hope for this FET. I´m afraid that Dr.Moron was right and all my embies sucked.
DH and I have been talking, and "we" are done after this time. For a few years at least. I don´t want any more drugs, any more waiting, any more feeling sick, and nuts, and putting everything else on hold for a baby that doesn´t come. I´m selling all of our baby stuff and moving on with our lives.
I´ll probably start pushing for another IVF in a couple of years or so, when we can afford it in the US, locally. DH is done. He´s scared of all the drugs and cancer...and done with my crazy emotions.
So, I will be liberated in a about 2 and a half weeks. Wish me luck!

5 more days!

2010-08-30T19:47:00.000-07:00

My drug regimen is going as planned...almost...I was supposed to get my period 2 days after I finished my 10 days of pro.gestero.ne and it took 6. It freaked me out, but it´s here. Done freaking out.
I stared Es.trogen to thicken my lining today. One a day till CD 5 when I go to 2 a day, and on CD 8 I start 3 a day till the FET. I have done 2 10-day cycles of pro.gesterne (=HELL), one Decapep.tyl dep.ot shot in the butt (administered by my self, to my self, to my butt), and 2 periods, and 2 ovulatory cycles and now es.trogen. I am very impressed. I can do it all.
On the other side, I am suffering...I don´t know if this suffering is comparable with OHSS that I had before...it is just taking so darn long!! I have THE WORST hot flashes ever, worse than when I took clo.mid. Really bad cramps, constantly. Horrible mood swings...I can´t believe that my hubby is still here, next to me, instead of divorcing me!!.
I am very anxious. Right now, Im worried that I will be too stressed out at the time of the FET, and loose the babie(s). I cannot control my nerves...at all. Any suggestions? the one or two that still read my blog??
The other day, I went out with a friend and we watched EA.t, Pr.ay, Lo.ve. It was a good movie. It helped me focus a bit on the possibility of a BFN. I have to be ok if I get a BFN. I have a lot in my life as it is. I am so happy, and so ready to finish this hormonal chapter of my life. I will sell of the baby stuff that I have, make room in the garage and have more money to ourselves.
Other times though, I fantasize of twin boys. I don´t know why they have to be boys, but they always are. I want my life to be a disaster because I have twins, I want to cry in fustration because I have twins. I do I do I do. Then, I think of ALL the things that have to go right to get there and I stop the fantasy.
In the bottom of my heart I know it won´t work. How could it? This is too hard. Maybe in a few years we can try again. I am done now. Its taking a huge toll on our lives, it´s not fair to my husband or my daughter. She still says that she doesn´t want me to go to the doctor anymore.
So sad.
There it is. 5 days till I go to Spain, and 7 till net monday when I start my love-hate relationship with the stirrups and the ultrasound machine. Give me a baby, but I hate you!!
Wish me luck!!

how else is she going to learn!?

2010-08-17T18:05:00.000-07:00

I am home alone (well, with the gordi) and my husband got me Se.x and the city 2 so i wouldn´t be bored...Samanthat said "how else is she going to learn?" and made a very ackward situation even worse when her age came up. Well, same here, we´ve got to make our point and teach all those people that keep asking the stupidest questions like: "When are you going to have a baby?, or you should get started soon! or, when are you going to give your daughter a little brother or sister??" I wil always tell the truth and make a very ackward scene, but that way, they will learn, and never take pregnancies for granted. so help me God.

Also, Gordi turned 3 on the 26th. So sad for me...she finally gave up her pacis and got a big girl bed. So sad. I was on the verge of tears the entire day.
We celebrated our 8th anniversary yesterday
I turn 28 on the 26th
Gordi starts school tomorrow
My DH turns 32 on the 24th
I leave for Spain in 17 days
I get my decapept.yl shot on friday
I am on day 4 of pro.gesterone and is kicking my butt again! Worse.thing.ever.

Not that I´m counting...

Alejandro, Alejandro...ale ale jandroooo....

2010-08-10T17:07:00.000-07:00

Have you heard that song?? I think is lady Ga.ga´s...
Well, that is the name I want for my son. If I ever have one. It makes me tear up every time I hear it...and I hear it often....
Also, I absolutely LOVE my daughter. She´s getting cuter and cuter by the second. Talking like an adult almost. I just want a million of her around the house to fill us up with love, pride and joy. She makes me incredibly happy. to the point that I tear up as well...all the time.

I can guess I´m very emotional. I don´t know why because I won´t start on hormones till saturday.

I got my Lupr.on De.pot today. It took 4 days from India. We got it through a Canadian Pharmacy, but it came from India. Very efficient, I must say.

I´m all set. 3 and half weeks and I´ll be in Spain getting monitored for the FET. can´t wait!

One more question: The shot. It says that I can inject it Intramuscularly or subcutaneously...I rather subq, in the belly, but I thought it was an IM shot...what should I do? I can do the belly, I might need somebody to give me the shot in the butt...
The name is Deca.peptyl de.pot, not L D.

Can´t trust myself anymore..

2010-08-09T18:09:00.000-07:00

Today I was talking with a friend, and I realized how crazy I am.
This friend has 3 children of her own, and has been pregnant and delivered 5 times. She was a surrogate twice, for the same couple.
We were talking about the outrageous amounts of money that we IFers have to pay to go through hell during our IVF cycles. I feel like she understands more of it because she had to do 3 cycles with this couple, and shots and all that jazz.
She told me that they spent around $100,000. Her fees were $25,000 each time.
......
.....

So I started thinking...I could be a surrogate...I could make $25K and use it towards my own cycle...

Am I crazy or what?!?!.

Also, I read the trial info on LFCA and I went crazy...I looked for it, checked to see if they offered it in Florida (nope)...I remembered that a friend from college suffering from secondary infertility as well, lives in PA. So I emailed her the info. Then, I called the clinic here that has most trails for IVF and PCOS and nothing, no trials now or in the near future.
...
....
Then, I went on day dreaming about it...maybe I can move in with my friend for a month and do the trial with her...we could be IVF buddies...help each other w the kiddos....YEAH RIGHT!
....
Completely NUTS. I AM NUTS!!

AND this is a month before I do my FET. I have ZERO confidence that it´s going to work. Somehow I still feel that there´s a baby in the future for us, but not this time around. After this FET I still have another fresh round free in Spain (they give each patient 3 chances).

I feel that all this progesterone and hormones in general, are turning me into a psycho. Will I ever recover? will I ever stop this TTC crap?

I do not want to start progesterone again on sat. And I do not want to get that Lu.pron De.pot shot on the 20th...my daughter´s first day of school....

The back up p.lan

2010-07-28T20:06:00.000-07:00

BULL&$%·.

I´m watching this stupid movie and I´m so pissed off...sooooo mad. So JLo here hets inseminated and pregnant the 1st try, AND she gets twins. (Which i´m sure it´s what happened in real life for her). Anyways, when does that happen??

Why can´t things happen like that for us. We try so hard..so hard...we go through so much...I just finished Pro.metrium and I´m so emotional. I´ve cried 3 times today already. The worst part is that I have no doubt that it won´t work. I just can´t imagine doing another fresh cycle, and spending another 2+ months away from my husband, and surgery, and pain, and OHSS, and hell.

I want this over with. I want it away from my head. and my heart. Please, go away!!

OF COURSE.she gets pregnant again, without trying at the end...nice ending...sorry for spoiling a crappy movie...

Life

2010-07-23T17:48:00.000-07:00

Lately, I´ve been thinking a lot about what infertility means to us. I think all of us have after reading the article on SELF magazine. I think the article was fantastic. It really portrayed a variety of examples of infertility and exhorted ALL to DO something to change the status quo.

I have sent the article to a couple of friends. One of them is an IFer herself, a quiet one, no one knows about it...and the other was a surrogate twice for a couple that couldn´t carry their own babies. The second knows a bit about IVF since she had to go trhough some of it. The first just knows.

I don´t know what else to do. Whenever I am asked THE question: "So, when are you guys going to have a second child??"..huh???...I always answer truthfully..."We can´t have any more kids...right now. We just did an IVF cycle and it failed. We will do it again in September". Whoever asks feels aweful, I guess. I try to make it less ackward, saying stuff like "At least we have gordi..she´s a handful! ha ha". I just can´t lie without tearing up or feeling aweful myself.

Sould I post the article on my facebook page? Most people know what we are going through...I think. I don´t want any more pity...I guess that´s what it is..everybody feels bad for us. It´s pityful. What else can I do? I don´t know anybody infuential or that´s is going to go the extra mile to help the cause..

Anyways...We IFers are sure different creatures. We see our children or other children in a different light. We are always kept "beyond joy" little cowgirl says. There´s always something IF-related in our minds..constantly.

Do we ever recover? When? When we have children? What if we never have children, or more children (as it is in my case...I´m one of the lucky ones)?? Will I feel this way in 10 years, 20?

For now, I am loving Pro.metrium because I´m so busy that I haven´t felt many side-effects lately, AND it means I´m very close to my next FET.
Wish me luck!

I hate Pro.metrium...

2010-07-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

I´m now on day 2 of Pro.metrium. I´ve had nausea, emotional bursts, hot flashes, and exhaustion. It usually takes me a few more days to feel sick...This time I´m using the US type of Progesterone instead of Spain´s.
I have a few concerns this time around. I´m finally pretty much normal...yes..I said normal. Not many signs of PCOS lately. I actually Ovulated this month! I know..I´m so proud of my ovaries. I´ve been thinking that maybe I shouldn´t drink any soy milk anymore (I changed to almond milk a month ago or so). So, I don´t know how, but after taking that Dian.e 35 for 1 month, my body is back to normal. No more acne, a little hair loss, and ovulation!!

I talked to Dr.Moron and told him that I was ovulating, and he said that Pro.metrium wouldn´t hurt a baby, if I conceived naturally. I hope not. I´m also trying to follow the rules after IVF transfers...almost all at least. We´ve been having crazy sex lately.

So my plan now is to wait for my next period, and start Pro.metrium again on CD 16 until CD 26 and on CD 22 get the lu.pron de.pot shot. On CD day 2 start the estrogen and transfer on CD 18 of the next cycle.

I haven´t ovulated on my own in so long, that I don´t want to start more hormone treatments and get back on the crazy PCOS mode again...I guess BCP will be my friend again after the FET if it doesn´t work.

Also, Gordi is on her 2nd week of swimming lessons. The first week, she cried the whole time and now she loves it! Finally. i almost cried yesterday when she started crying...thanks pro.metrium...ugh....

HELP! I need drugs!

2010-07-16T19:47:00.000-07:00

I can stay home a little longer, and away a little less if I can get some Lupron Depot 3.75 mg.
The Dr. here won´t prescribe it because he doesn´t want to be responsible. My doctor in Spain could care less and he says that I can get the shot here and get to Spain 10 days before the transfer so I can get the lining checked, and get things ready for the FET. So instead of leaving August 17th, I can leave September 1st and spend my and my husband´s birthdays together.

Does anybody have Lupron Depot 3.75 mg? I will pay for it. I can find it online for $165 or so. If anyone needs to get rid of it, contact me. I really need Decapeptyl, or triptorelin 3.75mg, but Lupron Depot is used more here in the US.

Thanks!

Frustration

2010-07-13T10:31:00.000-07:00

I can´t belive it but I am so frustrated right right now, that I am eating a PB&J sandwich. I am trying to get rid of all the sugary snacks in the house, and when I get like this, I just NEED something sweet...I never eat PB&J´s...I didn´t grow up with them, and sorry, that mix is weird! but yummy...

The reason is this whole process between countries...My Doctor in Spain faxed me the protocol for the FET YESTERDAY and he wants me to start on progesterone on SATURDAY. I don´t have progesterone pills! How am I suppossed to get them! So I called my RE here, he can get that for me, hopefully on time. Then, my Dr in Spain also wants me to start Lupron depot next month...how am I going to get that! After a million calls and messages, the RE called me back and told me he can´t prescribe it because he can´t be responsible for it..understandable..but sucks!

After a bit of thinking, I came to the conclusion that it´s ok if Gordi misses the first 2-3 weeks of school and we go to Spain in August. I will get the lupron depot shot, then wait, get the transfer done and leave. I´ll do the Beta here. No biggy. Some thing gotta give I guess. I need to get it done in September, I can´t wait anymore. DH is coming a few days after us so we can go to my dad´s beach house in Marbella (Woo Hoo!!) and then take my daughter with him so I can get the transfer done on my own. Hopefull my MIL will help him out a bit.

Plan B??? I guess we can go back to Spain and do it again around X-mas or next summer...i just hope this is it. I don´t know how much more I can take. It has been very very difficult to overcome the last failed IVF cycle. We put so much into it...so hard. When do we stop all this madness?? We IFers are really crazy to do cycles over and over..

Wish me luck!! Meds start again on Friday!!

September it is

2010-07-09T05:24:00.000-07:00

That is when the FET will take place. I am waiting for a fax with all the instructions from Dr Moron. I called him last week and he said I could get the meds sent to me and the cycle started here so I don´t have to be there for so long. This time around I won´t have any shots to do (!!!) and it shoud be fairly easy.
So I will get the day to day schedule by fax today. He mentioned progesterone pills for 10 day to bring about AF and then some kind of antagonist meds...so I will be in good shape for the begining of September to do the Frozen transfer.

Now, I need 2 miracles.
1) The embies thaw well, and I can transfer at least one. I´m hoping for 3...
2)I get pregnant (duh!!)

I´m going to call around and find a cheap acupuncturist. The one I went to was $85. That´s way too much for me...Is that price normal?? My SIL says no, but...this is a different area...

I´m nervous again! That means I´m ready, right?

Fingers crossed!!

2 posts in one day

2010-06-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

I was so upset this morning, that my husband started to look into the whole clinical trial world. We found a lot of trials going on in our area. Not many dealing with PCOS, but with IVF in general.

What do you all think of it? Is is worth it?

Help!!

This is the website: http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/home

I need some star.bucks!

2010-06-22T07:16:00.001-07:00

The Dr. emailed me back this morning and they´re not enrolling anybody for any trial at this point. I can´t really beg anymore for that and ask if maybe in the future..I just can´t. I´m so...sad. It plainly sucks. Nothing is working on this crap!. I´m already overly stressed with my master´s and I just want to go back to Spain to get the FET out of the way.

I can´t even sit and watch Sesame street with Gordi now..I can´t stop cleaning and prepping for more family this weekend. I´m also tired of all them coming every weekend. I clean all the time now. I feel like their maid. I´m tired and I have no energy or strength to do anything...and Dh leaves tomorrow for 2 days for work...I need some star.bucks!!

Clinical Trial FOR ME!

2010-06-17T10:11:00.000-07:00

I went to see the RE yesterday. It was almost like a WTF visit, even though I didn't do the cycle at his clinic. He was great, as always. He explained to me that I have the 2 most important factors going for me: Age and number/quality of eggs. Since I produced so many and 5 made it to day 5, he thinks we didn't get pregnant because of chance (40/60). But he's very hopeful for the FET in September. He even said that I should try another fresh cycle if the FEt doesn't work, because he thinks we are THAT close.
It definitely was a relief....after all the negativity from my RE in Spain.

E2 levels: He's guessing that since I had so many follies, a lot of them were immature, so my E2 levels didn't go as high as they should have. BUT, since my embryos made it to day 5, the quality is not compromised. So, no worries there.

Back to the title: FREE TRIAL! I (jokingly) asked him if they were doing any trials and that I would volunteer just so that I don't have to go back to Spain for 3 months to do another fresh cycle...and he said "well, actually, we are running a trial for women with PCOS. You are actually the perfect candidate". WHAAAAAT!!!!!
I know, I know. I AM FREAKING OUT! I don't want to get my hopes up though. He was going to meet with the colleague that will run the trial and mention me. I have to email him next week. He also said that they don't have any patients in line (I would be the 1st one) and that I am the perfect candidate. Also, that it would cost me as much as a plane ticket to Spain..about $1,000. WOW. I still can't believe it. We'll see what happens.
The trial consists on preventing women with PCOS from hyperstimulating. They retrieve the eggs a few days earlier than usual and then grow them in the lab a little longer than they would in a normal person. (Yes, I am not normal). Also, the do a very gentle a slow stimulation. It has a name..ivsomething. Not IVF, obviously,...Does anybody know about this procedure?? The nurse knew when I told her.

We also discussed dealing with PCOS without BCP, and he said no way. Maybe acupuncture, maybe met.formin...but the best would be BCP. I told him that Diane-35 made me sick and he said that I should try it again because it is the best one for PCOS, and that it's not sold in the US...really?? that makes me uncomfortable. If it's not sold, it's because it's dangerous, right? oh well.
I'm not taking anything now because of the FET in September or the Trial soon. I might have to postpone the FET if I get accepted in the trial.

AND, I just started my Masters degree!!! YEY!! I'm so excited. I really needed a break from all the TTC crap.

Now, on to finishing off my homework...

I'm still here

2010-06-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

I am sorry for not writing more often, but it has been really hard. I'm grateful for mi mind to stay sane though...I think I have evolved somehow instead of staying insane. First, it was impossible to even look at the blog and all of your updates...then, I started looking to one or two blogs' updates (just the titles), after that I started reading a few...I still can't comment...I have nothing to say, because it's all negativity and I don't want to be negative when the person on the other side is all excited and happy.
For now, I can read and surprisingly, write.
Not much had changed in the IVF front. Still infertile, still mad at the world for it, and with nothing to look forward to...well, almost nothing. DH (FINALLY) came to the conclusion that (wait for it....wait for it...) it would be great if gordi could have a sibling that was close in age to her...FINALLY! that's what I've been telling him for about a year or more. So, instead of forgetting about our 3 frozen embies, he concluded that we should do the FET in September when the clinics are open after their (2 month) summer vacation. So, now that he agrees with me, we can move on with it. After 8 years of marriage (August 16th), I understand how his mind works, and that I need patience because we are on the same boat and he will come around.
So, now that we are almost broke (NO $$), we need to plan a vacation to Spain in September so Dh can come with gordi and me and use some of this time to spend at my dad's beach house. The whole IF sucks! we are wasting so much money! of course, if it worked...it wouldn't be a waste at all.
Anyways...I just found out that a RL friend has unexplained IF. She's very religious so I expected her to have 4 or 5 kids by now, but only has one, so I just confronted her (via FB, of course, not in person) and she explained. At least I'm not the only one..I'm sorry for her, but I feel that I have a RL buddy now. She's using a proge.sterone cream...never heard of that...I hope it works for her.
I just ordered saw palmetto and beta-sitosterol and a multivitamin. I stopped the BCP, because even though it was working miracles with my skin (acne) and hair, it was giving me the worst headaches (probably migranes) and I was so tired and moody...so I'm going natural now...we'll see how long I last.
We're heading to the pool or pump it up..either one...I'm waiting for gordi to make a decision. I'll writo more soon, because i have some other issues to bring up.
I promise I will write soon. And good luck to those starting new cycles!!!!
La LOCA

Evil PCOS

2010-05-13T16:31:00.000-07:00

I'm baaack! Ha!
It has been really hard to check Lost and Found with all the updates, and follow my blog-friends lately...I'm happy for the mamma's to-be, but I hate reading all the stories and think of the what-if's..

Our plan, for now, is to chill. Easier said than done, right? DH doesn't want any more IVF's done for now. Reasons? many, but mainly $$. He doesn't want me to go back to Spain to do the FET just yet. He missed us too much...so maybe, next year, while we vacation at my dad's house in Marbella (beach).
We can't afford a cycle here. BUT. DH is looking for another job. We have some prospects lined up. One of them in Argentina, YES!, how cool would that be?? Also, $1,500 a cycle...

It is hard to chill when I can't get it off my stupid head.

On another note, I finished my last menstrual cycle using 1 pill of progesterone at nigh for the last 10 days to make sure that I had a period on day 28. I did. Now, I'm on BCP, one that targets PCOS problems, mainly andorgen-related, like mine. It's been hell. Headaches, dizziness, heart racing, and nausea, and I think I can include moodiness. I'm better today at CD 7. Finally.
I hate all these hormones in my body, and what they do to me, so I called my good friend. She's RAW, green, vegan, mother-nature-like woman. She suggested Chinese herbs and acupuncture. I found this site. I called. I'm waiting for a call back. My question is: Should I quit the BCP and fully trust the natural approach to help with PCOS? Should I do the FET while I'm on the pill for the next 2-3 months and then, try the natural approach? Has anybody with PCOS tried this approach? Does it work?

I wish things were easier.

Oh! and my SIL is TTC...great! another pregnancy announcement soon...

What's new..

2010-04-20T19:02:00.000-07:00

I'm back in Florida. FINALLY!. I am over doing the "sun exposure obsession" lately, but it feels sooo good. I think it's giving me strengh to get back to my life, and be happy at the same time.

We have been at the beach and the pool once and to the park 5 times in less than a week. And it rained almost all weekend!. Gordi is loving her house, her toys (she treats them as new toys!), ans her new playgroung that daddy put together for her. The first thing she said was "mi parque??" (translation: My park??). It was really cute.

On the IF front...nothing new..almost. I just spoke with the embriologyst and he said that I can wait as long as I need to transfer the 3 frozen embies. He says that the whole Estrogen issue that Dr. Moron was referring to is BS. He says that if they made it to day 5 is because they're great. Now, I'm growing a bit of hope for those 3 embies, AND I know that I can survive as a family of 3. I truly love my little family. I've done everything in my power to make it bigger, so I'm at peace with the failed IVF cycle.

What now? Dr. Moron told me to start Progesterone pills vaginally from day 15 to 25 of my cycle and then, when AF arrives, start on the BCP until I do the transfer. Hopefully, that will help with the unwanted hair, the wanted hair and the acne. I using massive amounts of Retin-A for that too...I love it!.

Let the HOPE grow for me and my fellow bloggie friends! We need it!

lots of things to say..don´t really know how...

2010-04-08T11:47:00.000-07:00

So I went to the Dr. Right before, in the morning I took a HPT and negative again. So I told him. He said it was still early but still sent me downstairs to get a urine test and a beta...don´t ask me why..
After that I came back upstairs and talked to him. He went on and on and on about the HUGE favor he´s doing us (no favors here..he OWED my dad, so he felt obligated..). And that everybody was a bit uncomfortable because of me being so special that he had to supervise every u/s and all that, and that I just couldn´t keep pushing him because of my flights. I have my returning flight on wednesday, which gives us enough time to test and know and leave. BUT he wants me to hang around because...then the HELL started. He went on to fully explain every single thing that could go wrong (he even made some up)...severe OHSS (really? at this point?), severe bleeding, abortion (miscarriage)...then he said: your E2 levels were really off. Your estrogen is messed up because of your PCOS so your egg quality is very poor. I´m 100% sure that this will be an early miscarriage..you´ll get your period but the embryos will have implanted already...and you´ll loose them.
Who says that to somebody who´s waiting on Beta results??? He´s the biggest ASS in the world.
He went on to say because of my Estradiol (Estrogen) levels he told us to transfer 2 embies...because a person like me CAN get pregnant and he would have recommended only 1 if it wasn´t for my E2 levels...so he knew at the time of transfer that this was not going to end in a pregnancy.

what else...

I don´t know..

In conclusion: I´m left with the question: Are my frozen embies poor quality too? Should I listen to what he´s saying? because I think he's trying to cover his behind and make sure he blames me enough that we can't blame him at all.
Should I feel responsible for having the worst ovaries in the world? I know I shouldn't, but I kinda do..
Can I really, ever, do this again..even if it's a FET?
How can I leave happy knowing that my daughter is going to be an only child and that I won't be able to grow a baby, and nurse, a baby and care and love somebody so much it hurts??
I feel almost as hurt as when I lost baby#2..I have that hole in my heart again...and I have no hope whatsoever.
How could I ever get pregnant 3 years ago? Can my ovaries ever work normal again?

On the outside, I'm left with a pouch-like belly, lots of acne, hair in my chin (Yikes, I know..)and no baby.
On the inside, a big black hole.

Will I ever stop crying when I go to the park and I see pregnant ladies and babies? (which happens every day, sometimes twice a day)

Dr. Moron tomorrow

2010-04-07T11:36:00.000-07:00

We called him and told him that I have my flight next wednesday, and he said to go and see him tomorrow morning. We´ll see what he´s got to say...he´ll probably yell at me some more about leaving without and u/s or something. Whatever, I´m outta here. I need to be home ASAP.
My hubby is looking into moving the flight even earlier.

I hope he tells me to get Beta done soon. I´ve been reading and there are a lot of articles about testing 14 days after the transfer for a HPT, and false positives and negatives with all the IVF hormones. My hormones are always messed up, so it´s giving me a bit of hope. BUT, I´ve already written down (in an email to my husband) my plans for next year. I´m going to start working as soon as gordi starts school. I´ll sub for a year, then I´ll get back to teaching full time. Hopefully I can get my M.A somewhere in between so I can teach in Community colleges or Universities. I really hate the public system (high school)..that´s why gordi is going to private school now, and forever it seems, since she´s going to be an only child..

I´ll keep you all posted.

Are we out of luck?

2010-04-06T14:41:00.000-07:00

Or maybe, this is the worst quarter of the year to conceive/stay pregnant???

I´ve been intensely following Stirrup Queens since october of 2009 or so. They way I choose who I read or don´t read is based on our commonalities. If we have PCOS or MF, I´ve probably read your story. I feel closer to people that are more like me, or have similar issues. For a while I thought I had endometriosis, so I read lots of blogs dealing with that as well.

Lately, I´ve been following a few fellow bloggers pretty close. I was exstatic to find out about Krista and Claire´s pregancies. Only to find out that both lost their babies. Claire just found out, so please go give her support now. I remember what that was like and I don´t wish it to my worst enemy.

Also, a few of us were going through our first IVF cycle and were supporting each other through the 2ww. Amy and Amanda just found out that their cycle was negative. I don´t think mine worked either. I know I tested way too early for the HPT I have, but I just don´t feel it anymore...

What the heck!! Are we out of luck or what?? All this hell for nothing? AND I just saw an ad on my facebook page that announces: "Have a baby, get $10,000". WHAT!. A scholarship or some crap like that. Some people actually will get pregnant to get the cash and go to school. So many people get pregnant and have abortions..and we have to pay thousdands of dollars to do IVF or adopt. What is going on? Where is our fairytale ending??

Negative

2010-04-06T01:31:00.000-07:00

It was negative. All this for nothing.

What am I thinking right now? Well...I´m looking for excuses. I used a very crapy HPT that I brough from the US. I didn´t bring the box, but now that I think about it, it probably won´t read early. I´m testing about 4-5 days early. I´m goign to get a good one that reads early results at the pharmacy and check again tomorrow. If that one is negative, then I´m done.

I really thought it was going to be positive.

I need to get ready for the worst. I need a Plan. I will talk with the RE to see what we can do now, and then my husband. He doesn´t want to be without us for another month, and I don´t know if I can take this again for nothing. I´ll probably do it, but it´s going to suck again.

I have to do it before school starts in the US because Gordi starts in August and I don´t want her to miss a month because of me being LOCA.

sigh..

I just can´t wait..

2010-04-05T15:18:00.000-07:00

It will happen tomorrow morning. I need to sleep at night!!

Wish me luck!

4dp5dt

2010-04-04T14:51:00.000-07:00

I´m going to test on tuesday, NO NO NO, wednesday (7dp5dt)...so hard to wait!!

You go Amy!!

OMG- I have the worst nausea-feeling ever! (I really don´t want to call it the other possible name)...Whenever I get a bit hungry, I get super Bitchy and I get nauseated if I don´t eat (just like in my 2nd pregnancy). I did have nausea and dizziness from OHSS after retrieval, but now I have it every time I have to eat (every 2-3hrs)...weird!! I´m having a very hard time not believing in this...CRAP!
Could I be having symptoms already??Or are these the tricky hormones from IVF, playing their mind games?

FYI, my OHSS is showing up as a big belly. I swear, I look like I did when I was 4 months pregnant with gordi. It doesn´t hurt much anymore, only some twitches here and there and when I try to sleep on my side. It´s bearable and I can walk arould and go out just fine now.

Toddlers and IVF

2010-04-03T02:41:00.000-07:00

It cannot be done. They don´t match. At least not mine.

I think the main reason is that she´s not at home, and she sees me sick on the couch all day. I´ve been at home pretty sick until yesterday afternoon - that´s 7 or 8 days. I never thought that I would be this sick from IVF . I realize that OHSS is not that common, and the fact that my husband is not around is not that common either...I´m starting to resent that. He should be here with me through this. Not just the procedures, but the recovery and to help with gordi.

In conclusion, she´s driving me crazy...and I can´t pick her up or even discipline her bc my ovaries hurt when I do it. I´m better today, but I still ended up putting her in time out. I hope she learns or she´ll be in time out a lot today. I can´t deal with her complaining and yelling and misbehaving. I just don´t have energy to have patiente.

The lack of sleep doesn´t help either. Aren´t we supposed to have a restful time during the 2ww? I have to put the Progesterone suppositories in every 8 hrs. And she doesn´t take naps and I also pee every 3 hrs because of OHSS...that gives me 6 to 8 hrs a night in 3 stretches...lucky me. All this is going to make it so that I don´t get pregnant after all this hell...

I started to think about that. What if it doesn´t work after all...I have a new feeling of accomplishment in me. I feel like I´ve achieved so much, when I was sooo afraid of all this (first needles, then surgery, then OHSS and the ER...). I´ve done all I can...even if it doesn´t work. I don´t know how I could do a FET cycle now. I´ve already been away from my husband 2.25 months out of 3 this year. If we do a FET, I´ll have to be here another month somewhere before the summer. Another 2 flights, $2000, another move for my daughter. Another month away from her dad and with a very impatient mom...not fair for anybody.

Well, I think I´m done. We are at 3dp5dt. A few more days and I´ll be done. 10 more days and we go back home to FL. To daddy.

1dp5dt

2010-04-01T13:38:00.000-07:00

haha...I´ve wanted to write that for a while now..

Well, transfer day went fine. They told me that the embies divided again that same morning, and were beautiful blasts. They never mentioned the size/grade...I should´ve asked. We were able to freeze 3 not so big ones. So they transfered the biggest and better ones. That should give us a pretty good chance at a pregnancy, right? I hope so.

The whole situation was pretty funny. My dad has been ¨the husband¨ figure at all major (and most) appointments. He was there at retrieval, ER visit, transfer...He felt ackward sometimes... I even had a nurse almost take him to the sperm bank section to do ¨the husband´s¨ job on retrieval day...haha. On transfer day, we met up with a couple that did retrieval the same day...and my dad HAD to explain the fact that he wasn´t a pedophile...just my dad...very ackward...

So, I´m still bloated and pretty unconfortable, but I can move around better. I haven´t left the house since transfer at 1 pm yesterday. I can´t wait to go watch that dragon movie with my daughter and my mom tomorrow...just to get out.

My daughter is learning so much during these weeks here. She´s at her age´s level of Spanish now. She has friends at school and loves going there now. She even got a goddie bag from a birthday girl the other day. WOW! the first one.

I will POAS on tuesday before I go nuts. Thanks for the tip!!

what should I do?

2010-03-30T13:41:00.000-07:00

How long should I stay in bed after the transfer? I´m aiming for a day, but the next day I´ll have to be out and about I think...
What have u done?

Transfer

2010-03-30T11:04:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the day.

We are celebrating Holy Week here, so I told my friends that are going to the parades, to pray to all the virgins and Saints for us. So we get lucky tomorrow and we have a baby in 9 months...
Wish me luck!

Day 3 fert report

2010-03-29T02:56:00.000-07:00

We still have 9 growing!!!

We could transfer today but the embryologist has decided to wait because they´re growing so well, and we still have so many.

Meds I´ve taken so far: Anti-nausea, sleep aid, tylenol, progesterone and another one to prevent Hyperstimulation, which indeed I have. Mild OHSS. Not much liquid, but a little bit in the lower abdomen. My ovaries are 10 cm each (normally they would be 2cm each)..that´s why I´m feeling all the bloating and pain. PLUS, the Dr. said that the fallopian tubes have moved upwards...so I feel pressure even when I breathe...

I feel better today though. Hopefully, by wednesday I´m almost back to normal.

BIG NOTE: I applaude all of you that have done this more than once. I don´t think I could do it again. It´s too much, to invasive, and too dangerous.

ANOTHER NOTE: How early can I POAS after a 5 day transfer? I´m thinking next wednesday...

Thank You all for your words of support!

ER trip

2010-03-28T06:49:00.000-07:00

I´m on my way to the ER...great. I hate this. I will never do it again. I just hope it works the first try.
I guess Infertility is not real infertility until you have to go to the ER...

OHSS and embies report

2010-03-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

What do you want first, good or bad news??

GOOD: We still have 9 dividing in the lab. They´re still aiming for a 5 day transfer.

BAD: OHSS. One evil evil thing...My mom thinks it´s gas because my belly has grown to a 5 month old preggo belly...but I keep telling her it´s OHSS..I have nausea, shortness of breath, pain and swelling of the belly...I´m tired all the time and it hurts so bad...We called Dr. Moron but his phone was off. So we left a message. Hopefully he´ll call us soon. I don´t know the degree of it, but I feel like I´m dying. How can I possibly carry a baby like this!

OHSS go away!!

Fert report so far

2010-03-27T14:26:00.000-07:00

Retrieval went as exoected. Scary, as all surgeries, but pretty successful. They took 25 follies. 15 were mature to fertilize. The embriologist said that 10 were great and 5 had some think corpus something, but he did ICSI to all of them anyways. He called me this morning (24 hrs later) and said that 11 are still going strong, and that he believes we´ll be able to do a 5 day transfer on wednesday.

I feel like crap. Really bloated and in pain. I´m taking tylenol and resting. Surprisingly, my daughter did great without me for almost 2 days. I´m just so tired and hurting...They gave me progesterone pills (that i will use vaginally after the transfer) and something to prevent OHSS.

I can´t wait for this to be over. I feel so sick..

Fingers crossed!

2010-03-25T17:08:00.000-07:00

I´m ready for tomorrow ( as ready as I can be). I already did the enema they asked for (HELL). Now I just felt like posting ¨Off to be. I hope tomorrow I am a size smaller and a step closer¨on FB, so I did. I haven´t told many people about our IVF ride. Only people that I see frequently. I just feel soooo like crap. This really is hard. The enema took me for a ride...holy cow...that was one of the worst experiences. Almost as bad as the miscariage. Really bad cramps.

And I´m on for 8:30 am. Keep your fingers crossed. I´m aiming for 6 mature good looking eggs retrieved tomorrow.

Here we go!

2010-03-24T05:13:00.000-07:00

Retrieval is scheduled for friday. My E2 was at a little over 1,000. Not much. The Dr. said that it didn´t match with what he saw in the u/s...Still, I will trigger tonight and surgery on friday.

I feel much better today. I was so miserable yesterday. I had the worst pain I´ve ever had in my lower abdomen. Thankfully, it went away at 5 pm, right before my daughter decided to wash my Ipod touch and break it forever, and then hit her eye with the corner on a wood table and start bleeding...what a day!! I´m gald it´s over and I feel better today.

Can I take Ibupro.fen now? My Dr said that I can take whatever I want, but my aunt (who´s been cycling for 2 years) said that they don´t let her. Only Tylenol. ??? help???

I know I´m relying way too much on the blogosphere...but I have no choice. I can´t really contact my doctors unless I´m dying and I don´t know many people in my same situation. (My aunt is 40 and with a totally different protocol, plus, she is really jealous that I get to do this when I already have a child).
I hope I can get some answers from you all...
THANKS!

Dolorida

2010-03-23T01:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am dolorida (in pain).

I just got back from the u/s and HOLY COW, it hurt. My ovaries are going nuts. I guess, due to my PCOS, my right ovary is producing 25+ follies. Only about 5 are over 16 mm. The rest are too small. The Dr. told me that they only categorize 18mm follies as mature. BUT my ovaries are too full, too big. The left side is quite behind. It has lots of small ones and 3 or 4 at 16mm and more. They want me to come back in 3 hrs to see what we do when they get the E2 levels.

So all my joy just went down the drain. I thought I was in great shape...it´s not looking so great because not many are maturing. If my E2 levels are too high, we have to trigger soon and that means that the smaller follicles won´t have enough time to grow to maturity...awesome! So, it looks like Dr. Moron was right and this protocol is not going to give us a lot to work with.

We only need ONE good one. One embie, one baby. Only one. Please, only one....and maybe two more to freeze so I don´t have to do this again. Please.

Questions...

2010-03-22T02:11:00.000-07:00

I have a few quesstions that some of you may be able to help me with:
1. How can I make the bloating more comfortable? I feel like a balloon!
2. Any ideas to make the bedrest after retrieval and transfer easier (healthwise). I have read about gatorade after surgery...Should I stay away from my toddler for more than a day? She´s really attached to me...
3. How long do I need to be resting after retrieval and transfer? I´m having a hard time finding people to take my daughter for 4 days...Do I need 2 full days after each one?
4.Can they fertilize 10mm follies? I´ve been told that they won´t even retrieve them if they´re not 10 mm. Has anybody heard of 10-15 mm follies make it to baby??

SO FAR I have TONS of follies. As of yesterday I have about 18 in each side (that´s counting some that were 10mm). The right ovary is carrying the biggest load. The follies are more mature there. Some 18 mm, 16 mm,15 mm...and 5 or 6 that are at 10mm. The left ovary has one that´s 15mm and some more that were between 10 and 12 mm. and another 5 or 6 that were 10mm.
I left the hospital feeling very optimistic. Now, thinking back (and trying to convince myself that it´s not going to work), I´m a little worried about those that were 12 and 10 mm. Dr. Moron said that we were going to get less follies with this protocol...I don´t think that I can handle more bloating!...I look like I´m 5 months pregnant!! I´ve only gained 1.5 kgs...I guess that´s good. How many more follies can a woman make? Really? what´s the max? My E2 was at 570 on thursday. They´ll check it again tomorrow. Lining at 10. Is that good??

I know I said that I wasn´t going to research anything, or analize the results or drugs, and that I was going to trust them....but....I just need to know!! Are these good results or not?

On another note, my husband did AWESOME!. His first SA, he had 5-10 million! with 70% mobility! We´ve never gotten results that high...never in 5 years!. We were all so proud. The second and 3rd were his usual few non motile. The embriologyst said that with we have enough with the first sample. By the way, they froze all 3 samples. I´m trying not to stay positive, but I think all these are good news.

I´ll know for sure tomorrow, but most likely, retrieval will be on friday. I guess we´ll trigger thursday night? We´ll see.
I can´t wait to get the show on the road!!

Good things

2010-03-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been thinking that my blog is very negative. I just vent about things that I don´t like, or things that go wrong. Obviously, in the IVF world, we find most things going wrong, but still...My life is great.

I love my husband so much. He´s been here, in Spain, for a week. We have done lots of fun things..including a mini vacay to Santander that was just perfect. I have no stress thanks to him right now. He leaves on monday though, and retrieval should be around wednesday. He´s not going to be here to help out with my bedrest, which means that gordi will have to stay with her uncle and my cousin (who she loves). I hope she doesn´t go crazy when I´m not there.

They told me to start another hormone shot on thursday. It´s called Cetrotide. Not a lot of fun. The needle is longer and I have to give the shot at a 45 degree angle...I´m not good at math, ok?? DH kept laughing at me for not being able to figure it out...whatever. It hurts, and I have to push too hard, and I´m afraid that I´m going to push too too hard and it´s going to hurt even more. I´ve decided that I´m going to do all my shots because I can´t rely on anybody being here at 8 pm. everyday. I´m almost running out of space in my belly!! Can I give them in my thigh??

I have another u/s tomorrow (sunday) at 9:30 am to check the follies. On thursday I had many (around 20 on right side and 12 on left) but most were under 10. The right has the worst PCOS presentation, so I have tons of follies around the ovary that are too small. They saw 4 or 5 that were between 12 and 14. The left only had one that was 12. So they added the 2nd shot. We´ll see tomorrow. I feel a lot more bloated and uncomfortable, and I´m getting sharp pain on my right side..like bad cramps. I am guessing it´s normal. They didn´t tell me my E2 over the phone. I´ll ask tomorrow.

One question: Does my lifestyle NOW affect my future embryos? I mean, can I drink and have coffee now? or will it affect my embryos a week from now. I´m growing the eggs right now, so it should affect them...but my Dr. said that I could do whatever I wanted until transfer day. I also have a cold. I want to start antibiotics now, so I don´t feel like crap afterwards, when I can´t take anything...should I? I´ll ask the Dr that one too, again...

I will try to be more positive from now on. AND I will post a pic soon..well, as soon as this crappy computer decides to read my SD card!

Gross

2010-03-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

This is just gross...first I was really excited to get started with hormones, and to overcome my fear of needles, but after the first and second shots, I just hate it even more. I can´t wait to be done. I´m really thankfull that I don´t have to do PIO shots...

I´m starting to realize that all of this, all that we´re doing to have ONE MORE baby is just not proportional. The first time around, I had gone through a lot of hard moments, but none of them included physical pain (or whatever you want to call it). I guess it was easy..even though I never thought of it as easy, not at all. But this time around...I hate the doctors, I hate the nurses..they treat me like crap. The swing their wonderful u/s wand like my daughter does with her magic wand, and they don´t care if it hurts or it bothers me like crazy. I hate the needles. I hate the unknown. I hate that I have to go through general anesthesia for this. It´s scary to think about.
Oh well.

First shot!

2010-03-12T14:18:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow I start. Today I went to the first real appointment where they measure everything. I wasn´t able to write it down, and they use different measurements here anyways...it would be way too complicated to translate it all and then, compare it to other people´s experiences. I think I´m just going to trust them.

Dr. Moron yelled at me for getting that lady Dr to move things up so I don´t have to change my flight...I guess he wanted to do one protocol, and now we are doing the opposite. He says that I´ll probably end up with less eggs retrieved...oh well. It´s done now. He also mentioned that since I´ve been pregnant before and I´m young, that they might be able to do a 5 day transfer. Does anybody know where I can find info on 3 day transfer versus a 5 day transfer? He also said that he doesn´t agree on the whole eSET (elective single embryo transfer), unless we have a perfect embryo on day 5. So we most likely transfer 2 embryos. The do freeze them also ( I didn´t know before today). So, if we have enough, we might be able to do a FET in the future.

Well, tomorrow is the day. I watched videos and all. It doesn´t seem too hard. I think I´ll do it to myself. I´m a bit crazy and I think it will be done better if I do it on my own. My husband will be here for the 1st shot. I´m really happy about that. I´m starting with something like Gonal F called Puregon. 150 UI. For 6 days until thursday when I get another ultrasound and b/w to check my estradiol...whatever that is...

Wish me luck with the needle!!

We start on Friday!

2010-03-09T13:22:00.000-08:00

Yes, we do!!

I´m beyond excited. I got back to Spain on th 2nd and met with a new Dr. on the 4th. She was nice enough to move things up a bit, since I was told (by Dr. Moron) to start the pill this cycle, when I wasn´t supposed to ( according to my program). So, she gave me my prescriptions and my pen (to put medication in, and inject me). I had to get the prescriptions signed somewhere else, and when I went to the pharmacy to get them, they charged me.......drums......ARE YOU ALL READY??

9.50 Euros ! ! ! ! ! ! (=$14)

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

So, I´m happy. I really don´t know what they ordered for me, and at this point, I know what to expect from the hormones and I´m as ready as anybody can be. I don´t want to dwell on what medication is better or worse for some people and all that. I´m going to trust them...yes, I wrote THAT, I´m going to let it go, and trust them. I don´t think I have a choice in the matter.

Everything seems to be pretty similar to US standards. I will post more when I find out more.

DH is coming on friday also, and leaving on the 22nd. It´s going to be GREAT. we both miss him.

I will come back on April 14th. I should know if I´m pregnant or not and what the next step is by then.
TTL!

Babies, babies everywhere...

2010-02-24T17:42:00.001-08:00

What was I thinking?!

I've been staying at my in-laws house since last saturday. My brother in law and girlfriend just had a baby so I wanted to see her, and my brother in law and husband just adopted their first and came in yesterday from LA. It just seemed perfect because I'm leaving from Miami airport in a few days and now I'm 45 mins away. My husband is working like crazy this week so I wasn't going to see him much at all anyways, so it seemed like a good idea for me to come and see the new babies...

Well, it's been 5 days now and I just want to DIE!. They handed me the baby this morning so they could catch up on their sleep a few more hours...HARD. And the girlfriend has been with me every day now. TOO HARD.

I just want to cry sometimes...I'm so happy for them and to be able to help out (my MIL and FIL are not at the house till monday), but It's just cruel. All they talk about is baby stuff...

Listen to this: my MIL is insane and the last thing she said to me (yesterday) was: "You should just take a pregnancy test because I know you are pregnant right now". WTF WOMAN! ARE YOU INSANE?!

She knows, because I've told her a million times, that I'm taking the pill just now to get ready for IVF in a week. My husband has told her too. We changed ALL our plans because I JUST got my period early and I can start the pill and IVF soon.

I just get in these sad moods...like a cloud hovering around me. I can't enjoy anything around me...not even play with my daughter...who's just adorable! I can't believe how lucky I am to at least have her...

I can't wait for my husband to come here tomorrow and be next to me. He's the only one that fully understands me. I feel so vulnerable without him next to me. The lasts months have definitely brought us closer. Thank God.

I can't wait to be done.

I bought my ticket. I'll be gone from March 1st until April 14th. It should be enough.

I'll keep you all posted!

La loca

Update

2010-02-16T17:45:00.000-08:00

For once in a looong time, AF came early, which means that I can get started and organize my trip to Spain in 15 days! Yipee!!

Dr. Moron said that they need me there between CD 15 and 17 and that they'll start things on CD 20. I guess they won't wait for my next period..interesting. I've never read of anybody starting their IVF cycle after 20 days on the BCP. Whatever. Maybe he meant other things, like tests...he talked to my dad, not me. So I'm not sure. All I know is that we're one step closer.

On monday I went to get my bloodwork done and I heard the nurse ask the Dr. if he was ready for the IUI (one lady had just gone in a room...)I was so excited for her and so sad for me...It is a huge step to go to the start of a cycle...then to retrieval (or IUI) and then transfer...buff..

That's all!!

P.S: I'm so excited for the latest good news from Christa and Clare! Congrats ladies!

Depression

2010-02-10T07:40:00.000-08:00

I've always been against medication of any kind. I try not to take anything until I'm dying sick...but I think I'm depressed. This is dragging for way too long now.
I'm 100% that it's not going to work and very anxious of what I have ahead of me.
I can't even get on the bike in the mornings anymore...my daughter is getting to be so hard to convince now. Before she would be happy to come with me anywhere but now she always says NO...to everything I suggest we do. So I end up sitting and watching her play. I can't go and play with her like I used to.
I'm not here anymore...I feel like I'm not myself...Is this depression? Should I just go to the Doctor and get some meds for it?
We'll see.
Can my hormones have anything to do with this? I've been cheking and I haven't ovulated (again) this cycle. I feel cramping going on and other symptoms but there's nothing going on but my emotional rollercoaster.

Waiting...

2010-02-04T10:15:00.000-08:00

I got back home (US, FL, Tampa) a couple of weeks ago. The 25th. I had my CD 4 day b/w the next day. I just got the results and they're all normal, which doesn't make sense because I'm a mess. I'm loosing TONS of hair and my acne is completely out of control...but whatever. I keep telling myself that the BCP will help and then we'll be doing our first IVF.
I don't think I mentioned before that I was coming back to the US. The airline wouldn't let me change my tickets for the usual price (about $200)..they wanted $600 each ticket so I told my dad and he told Dr. Moron. Surprisingly, Dr. Moron said that we could get my b/w done here no problem...NO PROBLEM?!?!?!!!. After 3 miserable weeks thinking that I had to be away from my husband for a few months!!? well, it all turned out ok. I'll be here until the end of the BCP cycle which should be the 3rd week of March.
Gordi (my 2.5 year old daughter) was having a really difficult time at the end. She just wanted to be home and missed her dad too much. She kept throwing the BIGGEST tantrums I ever seen...everywhere, all the time. I was miserable too. I'm happy to be home. Now we just wait.
I've been reading lots of blogs and feeling a little numb. I feel for other people and I get really happy when they finally have good news...but all those sad news are getting to me. What if I have another m/c? or IVF doesn't work? All my life is on hold until I know for sure whether I'm going to have another baby or not...this sucks...just in case none of you knew...
I'm trying to eat healthy and force it down my husband too..I really want to have some good little ones for the cycle soon. He's taking Fertil Aid (or saying he is...) and lowering Diet coke intake...he's an addict...what else can we do? He puts a pillow between the laptop and his legs now..too funny...no biking (which we love)...I don't know.

Thanks for your support. This is really hard sometimes...

If the Red Hot Chili Peppers say it I can say it too..

2010-01-15T12:53:00.000-08:00

CABRON!!
Dr. Moron has decided against starting right away. So we are back to square one. He wants it to work so that nobody can blame him if it doesn´t. I guess he owes my dad more than I thought.
This sucks. I should have know. All of us IFers should know to expect the worst outcome possible at all times. It´s always better to be pleasantly surprised.
Anyways. I cried already this morning and got all depressed with my husband on skype. I took a nap and my friends came over. That cheered me up and I´m back to normal (almost).
It´s so nice to have your childhood friends and ALL your family walking distance. I really missed it living in the US for so long. Almost 9 years now (that I left Spain to live in the US)..
That´s all.

Change of Plans!!

2010-01-12T15:52:00.000-08:00

We´ve got some good news!
I have to admit that I didn´t want to blog about it until I had some kind of confirmation...
We spoke to the embriologyst (my mom´s friend) and asked him if there was any way for me to fly back home while I had to take the BCP and come back before I finished it, and he asked us why...why?? well, ¨my daughter doesn´t want to be away from her husband that long¨...obvious, right?? well, not for everybody.
Well, he´s such a nice guy that he started asking around the other OBs in the department and they all agree that they don´t really need any b/w or BCP cycle since they know that I have a good ovarian reserve because I´ve gotten pregnant twice already...soooooo....drums.....I can start IVF#1 in less than a week when I get my period!!
In a way I´m very excited because all this means that I can see my husband in 10 days or so, that I can finally start in a week!!
On the other side, I´m a little worried about OHSS, and also using a PCOS egg that turns out into another m/c (like last time)...any ideas?? would any of you be worried about this too??

My mom just said something about them doing b/w on day 2 or 3 anyways and start the agonist face right after that. I guess the embriologyst told her that when I wasn´t there. We had a few drinks with him and his wife. At 3 pm. Can any of you believe that?? That would never happen in the US...drinks with your embriologyst that early in the afternoon. It is very common here though.
Now I´m all freaked out watching all the tutorials posted on stirrup queens on injections...and making lists on what I need to buy (pre natal vitamins) and stop taking (coffee and wine..) lol.. I don´t mind that at all!!
I´l l keep you all posted!

Coming to terms..

2010-01-08T14:14:00.000-08:00

I´ve done a lot of thinking. I have to come to terms with what I want and what I can get.
What do I want? I want another baby.
Options: 1. IVF 2. Adoption
2 is out of the question for now. DH doesn´t feel like he can do it, or needs to do it because we already have one child.
1 we can consider. We cannot afford to do it at the rates the U.S is charging us. Our only option is here, in Spain.
What can I get? I can get my baby in Spain. I have to go through with this if I want it. I´ve been looking at the calendar.
I am so bored right now, that I´m going to break it down for my 2 or 3 readers:
AF will be here in approx.10 days. DH has to come here at around those days to get 3 Sperm ¨donations¨ in a row (one every 2 days). They can get my 1st b/w (CD 2).We´ll all leave in a plane together direct to Miami so we can meet my new niece and see my in-laws.
After that, I can get my CD 22 b/w and start the BCP in the U.S. I will travel back to Spain right before AF comes back. Then, I´ll have to be in Spain for 1 or 2 IVF cycles depending on what I need. It should be a minimum of 3 weeks to a max of 7 or 8.
Total time away from my husband: 3 weeks in January. 3-8 weeks in March/April.
My daughter will be in school 1 month in January and another to two in March/April.
I can do this. I will be bored and anxious, but I can do it because I can try for my baby...
I don´t even want to think about the "what if´s"...I just read Jo´s blog (MoJo Working) and it´s just heartbreaking...
Well, and that is it for now.

2010-01-07T15:41:00.000-08:00

Wow. I made to Lost and Found! I guess I have to thank Elizabeth for that...
Well, nothing has changed so far. We have been visiting with LOTS of family and friends. Gordi has gotten way too many presents. She started preschool today. I was really nervous about it, but it went great. She didn´t even cry. When I picked her up her teacher said that she hit quite a bit - La mano muy larga, as we say here. Also, gordi asked her teacher if she spoke Spanish...lol. Too cute.
At least I don´t have to worry about that.
I hope we can talk to a doctor soon (like tomorrow).
I talked to DH and he said that there´s no way we can come up with $20K+. Nobody knows how many cycles I´m going to need...therefore how much money...
This is waaaay too frustrating.
I have 3 people having kids in the next couple of weeks, and my only hope to get through it was that I would be working on MY BABY. Here I am. Working on ¨how to not get bored while you wait for your F..period¨ FOR 3 MORE MONTHS! (the kids are my niece, nephew and best friend´s daughter)
How am I going to get through this??
How can I stay positive? I´m bored, away from my husband, my house...I don´t even have a plan anymore!
.....
....
....

Dr´s Visit - Update

2010-01-05T00:40:00.000-08:00

So we are here! We made to Spain safe and sound. I´m quite sick with the worst cold I´ve ever had, but at least we made it.
I went to the Dr. with my dad yesterday. The visit was 1 hr and a half. He started filling out my history. Yes, I had to tell him how many times a week we have sex, in front of my dad...almost died on that one...so embarrasing. He sent me to another room to get an u/s and a physical. Yes, he confirmed my PCOS. He didn´t see any cysts but a very clear picture of PCOS.
THE PLAN OF ACTION:
1. This cycle (I´m on CD15 today) is a waste, so we´ll just wait for my period to come.
2. Bloodwork on days 2 and 22 of next cycle, which should start at the end of this month beggining of next because my cycles range between 28-41 days long.
3. BCP on the following cycle (MARCH)
4. Start IVF after BCP cycle.
BIGGEST BS ever!!
I knew this would happen...I´m supposed to be here until April-May...yeah right!
DH is scheduled to come in a couple of weeks (or 3) to give them Sperm to freeze one way or another (biopsy).
The Moron Dr (as I´m going to reffer to him from now on) is the typical Spaniard...old fashioned..very stuck in the past, and very hateful of US culture. He told me that he didn´t trust US tests because they (US ) destroyed Latino culture and values. Some of it is true, I can´t deny it, but that´s part of life, globalization, modernization!! come on!! What does medicine have to do with it!! and I´m pretty sure the US is ahead of us little Spain in all medical fields YOU MORON!!
I could have gotten my bloodwork done back home and taken the BCP at home too, and then I could have come here. MORON!.
THE MORON won´t induce my period now...so I can get going on, instead of waiting some 20+ days for my period to get here...

All this is just not going to happen. I refuse to stay away for my husband for 4 months to have another baby. It just doesn´t feel right.

I already have the daycare set up (another favor we had to ask because they were full), Gordi is finally adjusting to the time change/food change/crazy weather and family...just to have to leave again and come back in 2 months...to start over again..
The MORON kept saying that I should just be thankful that HE let me in so quickly when the waiting list for somebody like me is 2 years...and that I could go back home in between...like that´s so easy...to fly back and forth with a 2 yr old 16+ hrs each way....

After I talked to my mom, my dad and some friends, we came to the conclusion that it might be better if I leave soon, get the stupid bloodwork done in the US, as well as the BCP cycle and then come back. If Dr. MORON says it´s OK. We´ll see...

All this is extremely frustarting...extremely. I´m so tired of all of it. I´m going to look into paying the $20K by ourselves in the US. Is it crazy to let this oportunity to get it for free go away??
THIS BLOWS!!

Happy New Year! the journey begins...

2009-12-31T07:37:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to the 2 or 3 that read my blog!!
I've been thinking and I need to make it more about me, not just my IF journey. We'll do for the next year.
My daughter and I leave tomorrow to Spain. We get there on the 2nd and I have my 1st appointment on the 4th. I'm really nervous, but excited at the same time. I can't wait to get all this started finally. I hate hate hate that my husband is going to miss all the doctor's appointments and shots and pain and meltdowns...I wish he could be there with me. All in all, I'm in a great situation. It's Free, my mom is there jobless, and gordi is going to be in preschool every morning.
I'll post as soon as I talk to the doctor.
Oh! and our trip to UT was great, besides the ear infection that gordi has and the colds we all came back with. We went skiing, swimming in a crater, sleding...and we went to watch AVATAR, which was amazing.
See ya soon!!
Adios!

Chart

2009-12-21T12:08:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to leave a clean and organized house before I go to Spain. Not so much for my husband, but for my own sake...so I don't find it even worse when I get back...As I was organizing the files, I found a manila envelope stamped from our fertility clinic #1 (back in 2006). There, I found their data from the summer 2006. 2 SA's and my info and a genetic test (negative for cystic fybrosis) they did for me.
so I made a chart:
Date---------------- Sperm/ml ---Morphology---- Motility
6/09/2006 ---------2.4 mill --------9% --------------12%
6/30/06 ------------1.2 mill--------- 4%-------------- 9%
3/2009-------------- 0.2 mill---------- 0% -------------0%
10/2009 --------------0.3 mill ----------3% -----------4%

Any thoughts??........WOW...........

So many things going on..

2009-12-15T09:54:00.001-08:00

Well...I guess it's normal that around Christmas all of us OCD's get stressed out, right?
1. Trip to Utah for a week - in one week
2. Trip to Spain for 2+ months - in 17 days

I just spotted. I'm at CD21. It happened last time. I spotted on day 21 and found out I was pregnant on day 28. 6 weeks after that I had a D&C.
I was so looking forward to a month with no tracking, no sticks, no programmed sex...and now this. I'm going to have dreams/nightmares about babies all week now. And then, I'm going to be depressed when I leave to Utah.

On the IVF front, I spoke to my dad a few days ago. He met with his cousin (who runs the IVF program at the University) and he said that Baby#1 (gordi, now 2.5) is a complete miracle. He says that I have something else that's not PCOS that makes it impossible for me to get pregnant. My dad couldn't remember the illness, or desease or whatever this really BAD thing that I have is called. HE COULDN'T REMEMBER!!! BUT, the Dr. is ready to meet with me on Jan.4th (2 days after I get there) to talk biz and get the cycle started. I'm excited about that.

Lately I have been thinking about my own personal "miracle" and how I just love her to death. I would do anything for her, and how lucky I am to be able to stay at home and spoil her rotten with my kisses and laughs. She loves me. She's healthy and we are a happy family. Even if we couldn't have more babies, we have our miracle and we're both enjoying every second of her. I'm mad that I got so stressed out when she was a baby and didn't stop crying for 8 months (she had "colic", and acid reflux). I'm mad that I left her at the bebysitter's for 9 months so I could go back to teaching part time. But now it's all good. She's fluent in Spanish, and understands all English. She just started speaking English again. And She loves me as much as I love her. We are so happy together. I'm so blessed. I can't be mad at God anymore, because he gave me my miracle.

I hope all you bloggers out there can get a miracle like mine.

quick one

2009-12-03T18:10:00.000-08:00

We have all the results back and it's all GOOD.
Genetic tests = normal (AND our insurance covered it(!) even though they said they didn't..)
SA = better than last time in March. Which means that his little ones are not dissapearing like my RE said they might be, therefore there's not going to be any poking at anybody's parts to get spermis out. Thank god. That sounded really awful when my RE in Spain said that they might have to do that.
I really hope that this means we can get pregnant with 2 cycles of IVF. Hopefully in one, and hopefully with twins. I know the controversy, but I don't care. I want to do this once and be done with it. And I want 3 kids.
Woo Hoo!
Less than a month to go. Can't wait.
Oh! and I just made a new friend, and it just so happens that she works for a plastic surgeon and she's going to help me get my face back...so I don't look like a little teenager going through puberty...lol. No botox or injections or anything like that...all lotions and potions.

The craziness is starting

2009-11-16T16:50:00.000-08:00

I can't really focus much right now, but I'll try to make sense of what I'm thinking/feeling..
I just talked to my mom. She had a very informal meeting (aren't they all in Spain..?) with the embriologist about my case. She gave him all the records and he read them ALL right there with her. He was very impressed with the detailed summaries of all my tests and all the pics. BUT, he was very...how should I say this...taken back by my husband's results. Since there were 0 moving, he's also assuming they were dead. He says that they can revive them somehow (i don't know the right terms), and if they couldn't, he could refer us to a great Urologist to get them out alive via surgery (my husband doesn't know that part). Anyways, we might be able to work with what we've got. He also agreed with my RE here in that the sperm problem worsens FAST. REALLY FAST. so we need to do this now.
Now, the real problem here (he thinks) is that there may be a genetic problem with his sperm. He wants us to do genetic testing right away. His reason is the m/c I had last year. The abortion wasn't natural. We had to perform a D&C because they couldn't find a heartbeat. He says that the fetus might have had...well, you know, something wrong with it.
I had a feeling that genetics might have been the cause, but my RE here said no. Who knows.
He says that we can't go through the IVF process to have a baby with some genetic disorderfar worse than down syndrome. (his words).
So I'm going to email my RE's nurse and ask for the test ASAP. We have to do it now because all the paperwork in Spain has to start soon in order for me to start my cycle when I get there on January 2nd.
My mom also asked about their protocol, and he didn't mention the pill. Only that they would force my body to ovulate and bla bla bla...My RE uses the pill for the first 10 days or something like that. He said that my PCOS was fine. Totally controllable. He said that they have a 30% rate of success, and that they're at the US level. I really hope so. I hope they don't over-stimulate me and I end up with a million cysts...
Also, I was reading up on PCOS last night and on webmd it says that it causes repeated miscarriages...is that normal? I can't even contemplate another one. It was too devastating.
And that's all. If anybody has any info for me, please HELP!

One last thing. This PCOS is driving me crazy! I'm breaking out like crazy and I'm greasy and loosing HAIR!. Yes. I read it's normal. Does anyone have an alternative way to aleviate these symptoms other that the BCP??

some news..

2009-11-13T11:32:00.000-08:00

Well, we got some news. I found out that I've been ovulating at CD 28. For the first time, and because I wasn't getting my period on time, I decided to get an OPK this month. I started checking on CD 9. I wasn't getting a positive so I stopped testing. Yesterday (CD 28) I started getting cramps so I checked and I got a positive. I was sooo excited! For the first time in 2 years, I got a positive on the stupid stick!!. SO I called my husband and we've had some fun..
I checked last night and this morning and it was still positive.
We just got a copy of all of our results from the RE so that my mom (who's been here for 2 weeks) could take them to Spain and show the RE there. I looked at my husband's SA and it was really bad. Only 200.000 and none motile. Which most likely means that were dead.
I really don't know why I'm so excited about these positives, because it really is imposible for us to conceive but...I can't help it.
The RE here said that Dh's results have worsened so we should freeze them if we want more kids in the future. It's kind of depressing to know that this is it for us. I really hope it works in Spain.
We'll see what happens. We found out that we were pregnant right after thanksgiving with my daughter. Wouldn't it be incredible if it happen TWICE??!!
I'm going to stop dreaming now...or it'll hurt too much when I find out that I'm not pregnant and we have 10 people in my house celebrating thanksgiving...

Last visit before IVF

2009-11-04T16:34:00.000-08:00

Today was our last visit with the RE here in the US. I had my doubts going in because I just feel like such a huge hipocondriac!! Thankfully, my mom is home for 2 weeks and came with me. The dr. spoke Spanish for her...he´s such a nice guy. I told him that I just wanted to be ready before I get to Spain. I don´t want to get there and have them tell me that I have a huge something and that all the planning is out the window...plus, I think I have Endo.
So we went in...my mom reminding me that it was ok to ask him a few questions...
And he was GREAT yet again.
He explained every single detail for us (2nd time for me) and said that protocols are different but that he was willing to work as a ¨satellite¨office and help out. He offered calling my dr. in Spain!
He said that I could just go for 4 days if I didn´t mind paying for the drugs here..How much are drugs only anyways? Anybody knows?
Not many people are following my blog yet...but I hope I can get some answers..
I asked about Endo and he said that I have PCOS. That after all the ¨very comfortable, easy, and wonderful¨test he did on me, that there's nothing that suggests Endo. I guess there's some scar tissue around my tubes, but he said that it wasn't endometriosis.
Something NEW: Varicoccele alone is not the reason why my husband's SA are so bad. The fact that he had undescented testicles did it. At least we know something new...

I feel better overall. I am ready for the cycle to start. I am SO ready to be pregnant again.
I just too dinner over to a friend that just had a baby...so hard...I've already forgotten what newborns look like! She was one of the 5 friends that had a baby in the last week. I still have...let's see...6 more to go in the next 3-4 months..ISn't that crazy! 2 of them in my family.
Oh well. I need to realize that I'm very blessed to have my gordi. At least I have one. and a good one.
Chao!

Dreams...

2009-11-04T03:49:00.000-08:00

I've been dreaming all night that I was a few weeks pregnant and with a huge belly! That I was hanging out with my good friend and we were sharing pregnancy concerns (she's prego now) and all that..
I think it's because my trip tp Spain is getting closer and also because I'm going to see the RE today. Finally! It's taken me 1 month to see him. I have a few concerns about Endo. Could I have that? I do have lots of cramping all month long, some are sharp pains...And very irregular cycle ( i haven't ovulated and I'm at CD 21 - last month I had a 40 day cycle..)
What else should I tell him? My last HSG showed quite a bit of scar tissue on one of my ovaries/ tubes, but he never mentioned ENDO. Do they stay away from diagnosing it unless is very painful?
So now, besides my husband's terrible SA's, I have to add my horrible cycles.
I'm a bit scared that I have something bad. (Hypocondriac, anyone?). It's just strange that I haven't ovulated when I'm supposed to be in good shape now.

Change of subject:
how was halloween, people?!?!
My daughter was the cutest EVER. She was a bumble bee. We did all kinds of fun stuff. And she got lots of cnady. Our neighborhood was great. Many kids and many nice adults giving out candy. Gordi (my daughter) just wanted to hang out with all those kids and share her candy. Soooo adorable.

Husbands

2009-10-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

There should be a guide to understand husbands...Just like "what to expect where you are expecting" but for husbands..."what to expect when your spouse doesn't talk much"
We had a talk yesterday. I think we both got a lot off our chests...I did!. He said that he's ok with having more kids, He wants more. I think he realizes that I'm more messed up than before and IVF really is our only route here..
He said that he doesn't want to use his vacation time on this...freezing in Spain instead that warm in Florida (or somewhere else on REAL vacation). He hates his job now, so he really looks forward vacation time to have fun. I just don't want him to blame me for wasting his vacation if nothing happens, if I don't get pregnant.
SO I totally misread him.
He also said that I'm a total PSYCHO. And that I'm a rollercoaster and a mess. He can't keep up with my mood swings anymore. So I'm going to try and relax. I guess Spain is back on.
Buff...

IVF is so scary..

2009-10-19T19:51:00.000-07:00

I just went to Lost and Found and read http://lastamericangirlstanding.blogspot.com/2009/10/how-did-you-feel.html.
Kim here, has had many surgeries and is totally afraid of IVF. I am too. I hate doctors and all the stuff the do to us. I showed it to my husband because she expresses herself so well...Her words are a rollercoaster.
He said that hers was a totally different situation, because I would just need 1 round of IVF (yeah, right) and because she had to get more things done that I won't need.
He didn't get the point at all...
I'm I the only one that feels like their husband doesn't give a crap??!. Then we started the same as always argument and he ended up saying that he was OK with just having 1 kid.
I guess I just need to let go.
Well, going on with the title of this post, I'm really scared to do it period. Even if its free in Spain. I just don't want to do it alone. I think I rather pay for it and know that my husband is there for me. So I told him that I wanted to do it here; and he laughed and turned up the volume on the TV.
I guess I won't have to go through IVF after all...

I figured it out!

2009-10-14T19:28:00.000-07:00

Every time I get my period, the day before I have a HUGE meltdown. That was yesterday. And that's when I decided it was over.

I think I'm starting to have moments of clarividencia! SOY BRUJA! maybe that's not the word, but it's like I can understand myself better and work through my issues at the moment and make decisions that last.

Last time, major meltdown time I should say, it was about me growing up and being OK staying at home with my daughter. And now, it's about cancelling our plans (my plans) to do IVF after Christmas.

Today, I have realized that my DH doesn't want to have a baby through doctors. He just wants it natural. I just don't know if I can wait for that. It's been 13 months since my miscarriage. I'm exhausted. I can't try too much longer. So I give up now. It's official

And tomorrow we're going to SEA WORLD! Love Florida!

It's over

2009-10-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

I had been so excited for the last month..I started the blog, my loquero (psychologist) told me I was "cured" due to our decision to move up IVF to January, my family is visiting, we got a cabin in UT for Christmas...all seemed great! I was in great spirits again.
Well...I called my husband to tell him that my mom wasn't going to be able to help me with my daughter because she found a job. As I was starting to explain to him that we might have to put her in daycare (in Spain, while I do IVF ALONE)...he started calling me all kinds of things (stupid among them) because he thought I wanted to go tomorrow to Spain to do it before my mom started this new job. I would never take away all these vacations we have planned for Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family!! But I really couldn't talk anymore so I hung up the phone.
As I was talking to my brother in law, I realized that my DH doesn't want to do it. He doesn't want to have more kids. At least not through any assisted way. He really thinks that after his last SA (result= 0- NADA) we can get pregnant naturally.
It happened once, i know...but it was before his variccoccele surgery. This last SA was HORRIBLE. It has gotten worse...
Even two nights ago, he was telling me that instead of coming for 2 weeks to visit us in Spain (while we are there for 2+ months) and dropping off his sample, maybe he could come for only 1 week because he wants to have more vacation to spend with his family next year.
WHAT?!
Most people know that a cycle of IVF is hell, right?? We are pros at this. We know every detail, and he expects me to go through it all alone, and only see him for a week!!
Its over. I'm not doing it alone.
I guess, I have to make peace with the fact that it's not going to happen for a while. I guess I can get a job or something to distract me from thinking about it ALL THE TIME.
I haven't been able to sleep much...I feel like I lost a part of me.
Why can't he just do it right?? just because he loves me??
I guess it's too much to ask.

Appointment done

2009-10-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

Well, today I scheduled an appointment with my RE. I haven't had my period yet. I'm a week late. I took 2 pregnancy tests and BFN on both. I think I'm imagining pregnancy symptoms...I make this sooo much harder on myself than it should be. I should just relax. BUT I CAN'T. I wish I could.

The RE I used last spring was great. He knows about my country and the health system. He was really excited about me doing IVF in Spain. That gives me some comfort. Here, in the US, we are used to the thought that health care is so great here, that other countries suck. Or maybe it's my perception only. I don't know. When I had my M/C and D&C done there I felt I was in a third world country. It was weird. Very efficient and well done, but the facilities and the access that patiens have to doctors is totally different.

Anyways, I haven't had a period and I'm freaking out because, what if I have a medical problem before I get to Spain and they can't start with IVF until they fix it and I'm stuck there for longer than the predicted 2 months???I love my family and my mom, and I love the fact that I'm going to have help EVERYWHERE. But I'm going to miss my husband like crazy.

Just because we can't make a baby by ourselves, doesn't mean that I can/ want to get pregnant without him. He will be there for 2 weeks...it just doesn't seem enough!

I have the appointment in 3 weeks. Nov. 4th. We'll see.

This sucks!

What am I doing?

2009-10-12T20:02:00.000-07:00

Yes, What am I doing?

I am a fellow Ifer besides many other things. I have a two year old daughter. The cutest toddler in the world, who is bilingual and also, very smart. I am a H.S. teacher on a break. I used to teach Spanish. I am Spanish, from Spain. I guess I should add that you will find many misspelled words, things that don't make sense and very very bad writing.

I don't care at this point.

I will remain anonymous, just because I want to feel comfortable saying ( or writing) my feelings and opinions.

I started reading blogs like mine when I realized that I needed help dealing with infertility AGAIN. My husband cannot put up with another conversation about the matter and I NEED to vent.

I found http://www.stirrup-queens.com/. It scared me to death, but at the same time it gave me comfort because I knew that there were many of us going through the same CRAP. I should clarify...It scared me because I found out what real people go through, instead of what my doctors had told me...it's scary!! it sucks!

So here I am. Using my blog as a therapeutic way to fix me. Just like we use sex as a therapeutic way to fix our relationship with our husbands/partners, right??

I hope it works. I see that there is a lot of support from one to another...that's just what I need.

Why is it that nobody understands THIS!. I can't talk to my girlfriends about it because none of them is married...and if they are, they seem to have problems avoiding pregnancies. I can't talk to my mother...she's bored of it already. I already mentioned my husband...even a psychologist I just started to visit told me that all I needed was relaxation techniques...WTH

Whatever.

Here I am.