how else is she going to learn!?

I am home alone (well, with the gordi) and my husband got me Se.x and the city 2 so i wouldn´t be bored...Samanthat said "how else is she going to learn?" and made a very ackward situation even worse when her age came up. Well, same here, we´ve got to make our point and teach all those people that keep asking the stupidest questions like: "When are you going to have a baby?, or you should get started soon! or, when are you going to give your daughter a little brother or sister??" I wil always tell the truth and make a very ackward scene, but that way, they will learn, and never take pregnancies for granted. so help me God.

Also, Gordi turned 3 on the 26th. So sad for me...she finally gave up her pacis and got a big girl bed. So sad. I was on the verge of tears the entire day.
We celebrated our 8th anniversary yesterday
I turn 28 on the 26th
Gordi starts school tomorrow
My DH turns 32 on the 24th
I leave for Spain in 17 days
I get my decapept.yl shot on friday
I am on day 4 of pro.gesterone and is kicking my butt again! Worse.thing.ever.

Not that I´m counting...

Alejandro, Alejandro...ale ale jandroooo....

Have you heard that song?? I think is lady Ga.ga´s...
Well, that is the name I want for my son. If I ever have one. It makes me tear up every time I hear it...and I hear it often....
Also, I absolutely LOVE my daughter. She´s getting cuter and cuter by the second. Talking like an adult almost. I just want a million of her around the house to fill us up with love, pride and joy. She makes me incredibly happy. to the point that I tear up as well...all the time.

I can guess I´m very emotional. I don´t know why because I won´t start on hormones till saturday.

I got my Lupr.on De.pot today. It took 4 days from India. We got it through a Canadian Pharmacy, but it came from India. Very efficient, I must say.

I´m all set. 3 and half weeks and I´ll be in Spain getting monitored for the FET. can´t wait!

One more question: The shot. It says that I can inject it Intramuscularly or subcutaneously...I rather subq, in the belly, but I thought it was an IM shot...what should I do? I can do the belly, I might need somebody to give me the shot in the butt...
The name is Deca.peptyl de.pot, not L D.

Can´t trust myself anymore..

Today I was talking with a friend, and I realized how crazy I am.
This friend has 3 children of her own, and has been pregnant and delivered 5 times. She was a surrogate twice, for the same couple.
We were talking about the outrageous amounts of money that we IFers have to pay to go through hell during our IVF cycles. I feel like she understands more of it because she had to do 3 cycles with this couple, and shots and all that jazz.
She told me that they spent around $100,000. Her fees were $25,000 each time.
......
.....

So I started thinking...I could be a surrogate...I could make $25K and use it towards my own cycle...

Am I crazy or what?!?!.

Also, I read the trial info on LFCA and I went crazy...I looked for it, checked to see if they offered it in Florida (nope)...I remembered that a friend from college suffering from secondary infertility as well, lives in PA. So I emailed her the info. Then, I called the clinic here that has most trails for IVF and PCOS and nothing, no trials now or in the near future.
...
....
Then, I went on day dreaming about it...maybe I can move in with my friend for a month and do the trial with her...we could be IVF buddies...help each other w the kiddos....YEAH RIGHT!
....
Completely NUTS. I AM NUTS!!

AND this is a month before I do my FET. I have ZERO confidence that it´s going to work. Somehow I still feel that there´s a baby in the future for us, but not this time around. After this FET I still have another fresh round free in Spain (they give each patient 3 chances).

I feel that all this progesterone and hormones in general, are turning me into a psycho. Will I ever recover? will I ever stop this TTC crap?

I do not want to start progesterone again on sat. And I do not want to get that Lu.pron De.pot shot on the 20th...my daughter´s first day of school....

The back up p.lan

BULL&$%·.

I´m watching this stupid movie and I´m so pissed off...sooooo mad. So JLo here hets inseminated and pregnant the 1st try, AND she gets twins. (Which i´m sure it´s what happened in real life for her). Anyways, when does that happen??

Why can´t things happen like that for us. We try so hard..so hard...we go through so much...I just finished Pro.metrium and I´m so emotional. I´ve cried 3 times today already. The worst part is that I have no doubt that it won´t work. I just can´t imagine doing another fresh cycle, and spending another 2+ months away from my husband, and surgery, and pain, and OHSS, and hell.

I want this over with. I want it away from my head. and my heart. Please, go away!!

OF COURSE.she gets pregnant again, without trying at the end...nice ending...sorry for spoiling a crappy movie...

Life

Lately, I´ve been thinking a lot about what infertility means to us. I think all of us have after reading the article on SELF magazine. I think the article was fantastic. It really portrayed a variety of examples of infertility and exhorted ALL to DO something to change the status quo.

I have sent the article to a couple of friends. One of them is an IFer herself, a quiet one, no one knows about it...and the other was a surrogate twice for a couple that couldn´t carry their own babies. The second knows a bit about IVF since she had to go trhough some of it. The first just knows.

I don´t know what else to do. Whenever I am asked THE question: "So, when are you guys going to have a second child??"..huh???...I always answer truthfully..."We can´t have any more kids...right now. We just did an IVF cycle and it failed. We will do it again in September". Whoever asks feels aweful, I guess. I try to make it less ackward, saying stuff like "At least we have gordi..she´s a handful! ha ha". I just can´t lie without tearing up or feeling aweful myself.

Sould I post the article on my facebook page? Most people know what we are going through...I think. I don´t want any more pity...I guess that´s what it is..everybody feels bad for us. It´s pityful. What else can I do? I don´t know anybody infuential or that´s is going to go the extra mile to help the cause..

Anyways...We IFers are sure different creatures. We see our children or other children in a different light. We are always kept "beyond joy" little cowgirl says. There´s always something IF-related in our minds..constantly.

Do we ever recover? When? When we have children? What if we never have children, or more children (as it is in my case...I´m one of the lucky ones)?? Will I feel this way in 10 years, 20?

For now, I am loving Pro.metrium because I´m so busy that I haven´t felt many side-effects lately, AND it means I´m very close to my next FET.
Wish me luck!

I hate Pro.metrium...

I´m now on day 2 of Pro.metrium. I´ve had nausea, emotional bursts, hot flashes, and exhaustion. It usually takes me a few more days to feel sick...This time I´m using the US type of Progesterone instead of Spain´s.
I have a few concerns this time around. I´m finally pretty much normal...yes..I said normal. Not many signs of PCOS lately. I actually Ovulated this month! I know..I´m so proud of my ovaries. I´ve been thinking that maybe I shouldn´t drink any soy milk anymore (I changed to almond milk a month ago or so). So, I don´t know how, but after taking that Dian.e 35 for 1 month, my body is back to normal. No more acne, a little hair loss, and ovulation!!

I talked to Dr.Moron and told him that I was ovulating, and he said that Pro.metrium wouldn´t hurt a baby, if I conceived naturally. I hope not. I´m also trying to follow the rules after IVF transfers...almost all at least. We´ve been having crazy sex lately.

So my plan now is to wait for my next period, and start Pro.metrium again on CD 16 until CD 26 and on CD 22 get the lu.pron de.pot shot. On CD day 2 start the estrogen and transfer on CD 18 of the next cycle.

I haven´t ovulated on my own in so long, that I don´t want to start more hormone treatments and get back on the crazy PCOS mode again...I guess BCP will be my friend again after the FET if it doesn´t work.

Also, Gordi is on her 2nd week of swimming lessons. The first week, she cried the whole time and now she loves it! Finally. i almost cried yesterday when she started crying...thanks pro.metrium...ugh....

HELP! I need drugs!

I can stay home a little longer, and away a little less if I can get some Lupron Depot 3.75 mg.
The Dr. here won´t prescribe it because he doesn´t want to be responsible. My doctor in Spain could care less and he says that I can get the shot here and get to Spain 10 days before the transfer so I can get the lining checked, and get things ready for the FET. So instead of leaving August 17th, I can leave September 1st and spend my and my husband´s birthdays together.

Does anybody have Lupron Depot 3.75 mg? I will pay for it. I can find it online for $165 or so. If anyone needs to get rid of it, contact me. I really need Decapeptyl, or triptorelin 3.75mg, but Lupron Depot is used more here in the US.

Thanks!