Updates

Everything has gone to heck. Yes, or hell, whatever you find acceptable... Why do I feel like it´s always this way?? I make plans, and none of them work... Last thursday, after a very stressful day with a job interview at Fl.orida V.irtual Sc.hool, I finally got my period. It was day CD30. Yes, pretty regular, huh? And better yet, no acne to show for it. Really weird and exciting. I am a normal woman...kind of...no weight/hair/acne/irregular period issues anymore. Weird. I am happy about it...if only I could get my DH to start a healthy diet and some exercise...I wish I could magically get his numbers up.. So, I called the iv.f trial clinic to make my initial visit appointment. They told me they were full for 6 to 8 weeks. To call then. WTF?! What am I supposed to do now?? Last time I talked to them, there was plenty of room for me. That was 2 weeks ago! So, my guess is that the trial will never happen for me. I still call almost daily. I never speak to anybody.... Now, plan #2 is plan #1. Spain. I know its free. I know it´s really my only option at the moment...but I am scared to death of doing it again. If you refer back to my posts, I really went through hell and back. They treated me horribly, they offended me constantly...I felt like an animal. I don´t need to go through that again!! Because of money?? My mom was in the US last week. I cried to her and she listened. She´s amazing. She said that maybe I can ask my dad for the money as a loan. I can repay him when I get a job...should I? My dad is very complicated and proud. I don´t think he´ll lend me the money. What if he says he won´t...I´ll never speak to him again. DH said that we could do it on our own next year, by March. (Didn´t I say this last year???). Well, DH is 100% on board now. He really wants another baby, and a sister or brother for gordi. REALLY wants one. Finally. So I am back to square one. No options untill 1 full year. I still go back and forth..maybe I should just ask my dad....maybe I should get a job and make money, use my master´s degree, build up my resume and try again in 2 years...so hard...I am going to Mo.ffit in April to get the report my local clinic needs to make me an egg donor. Maybe that will work. I am going to keep trying a lot of different things and we´ll see what happens. I am exhausted. I want to get this over with. Sigh..

Positives and Negatives

I´ve got a positive on a OPK. Finally. I guess, between all the hormones they´ve given me and the BCP I self-prescribe every once in a while haven´t allowed me to ovulate on my own. I tested this month and I ovulated on CD 21. Crazy, right? I need to research that. So my period will come in about 12 days from now. Then I will have to go to NYC to visit the clinic and get the official acceptance for the trial after the physical exam and u/s.

Negatives...well, I am becoming SO negative. Everything will be awful if you listen to my thoughts. It turns out to be better than what I think, most of the times, but I always have a feeling that whatever can go wrong, will. Not just in IF issues...all issues. Today, well, tonight I feel blue...so sad. One of those days, where the only thing that would fix me is my very own baby in my arms not letting me sleep. I crave it SO BAD sometimes. It hurts. Most days I am fine. Most days I am convinced, sure, that we will be fine just the 3 of us. Then another pregnancy announcement ruins everything. Or belly pic on face.book. Or a trip to the children´s museum. Evil Evil place.

I am ready to start the trial, or IVF in Spain. Whichever. I am not ready to be crushed again. Even this cycle. We had very timed sex. I almost forced my DH to stay in the morning yesterday for a quickie, in a very specific position...bla bla bla...Today I felt something around my uterus...I went directly into preggo symptoms mode. It has to be it...I am so nuts. I will be crashed again. I almost rather be on BCP to avoid all this. I am so done.

I am scared

I have an opportunity to possibly be a part of a clinical trial in NYC. They´ve sent me the letter accepting me if the physical and 1st u/s goes well. Which it should.

I should be happy, right? I am happy. I can´t stop thinking about this...
BUT I am doing so great right now. I love my hubby like never before. I love my daughter. I feel like I have by life back...another IVF cycle could make me loose it again. Could it?? Hopefully I have learned from the past cycle, and past experiences, and I can deal with all the dissapointments, stress, loneliness, anxiety, pain...can I?? Should I go ahead and move forward? Throw away another $4K?? In the scheme of things, $4K is not much. It could be $12 K...

I can´t let this opportunity pass...I will try it, then I know that I have another 2 tries in Spain..if I have the energy to try 3 more times. My IF road is coming to an end, regardless of the outcome. I am done with it. It feels really good to know that I am done. I am happy where I´m at. I don´t NEED another baby to be happy. I love my life and all the blessings that I have. I never thought I could to this place, this happy place. I am so proud of myself. Of course it still hurts...but I can handle it!