Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year! the journey begins...

Happy New Year to the 2 or 3 that read my blog!!
I've been thinking and I need to make it more about me, not just my IF journey. We'll do for the next year.
My daughter and I leave tomorrow to Spain. We get there on the 2nd and I have my 1st appointment on the 4th. I'm really nervous, but excited at the same time. I can't wait to get all this started finally. I hate hate hate that my husband is going to miss all the doctor's appointments and shots and pain and meltdowns...I wish he could be there with me. All in all, I'm in a great situation. It's Free, my mom is there jobless, and gordi is going to be in preschool every morning.
I'll post as soon as I talk to the doctor.
Oh! and our trip to UT was great, besides the ear infection that gordi has and the colds we all came back with. We went skiing, swimming in a crater, sleding...and we went to watch AVATAR, which was amazing.
See ya soon!!

Monday, December 21, 2009


I'm trying to leave a clean and organized house before I go to Spain. Not so much for my husband, but for my own I don't find it even worse when I get back...As I was organizing the files, I found a manila envelope stamped from our fertility clinic #1 (back in 2006). There, I found their data from the summer 2006. 2 SA's and my info and a genetic test (negative for cystic fybrosis) they did for me.
so I made a chart:
Date---------------- Sperm/ml ---Morphology---- Motility
6/09/2006 ---------2.4 mill --------9% --------------12%
6/30/06 ------------1.2 mill--------- 4%-------------- 9%
3/2009-------------- 0.2 mill---------- 0% -------------0%
10/2009 --------------0.3 mill ----------3% -----------4%

Any thoughts??........WOW...........

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

So many things going on..

Well...I guess it's normal that around Christmas all of us OCD's get stressed out, right?
1. Trip to Utah for a week - in one week
2. Trip to Spain for 2+ months - in 17 days

I just spotted. I'm at CD21. It happened last time. I spotted on day 21 and found out I was pregnant on day 28. 6 weeks after that I had a D&C.
I was so looking forward to a month with no tracking, no sticks, no programmed sex...and now this. I'm going to have dreams/nightmares about babies all week now. And then, I'm going to be depressed when I leave to Utah.

On the IVF front, I spoke to my dad a few days ago. He met with his cousin (who runs the IVF program at the University) and he said that Baby#1 (gordi, now 2.5) is a complete miracle. He says that I have something else that's not PCOS that makes it impossible for me to get pregnant. My dad couldn't remember the illness, or desease or whatever this really BAD thing that I have is called. HE COULDN'T REMEMBER!!! BUT, the Dr. is ready to meet with me on Jan.4th (2 days after I get there) to talk biz and get the cycle started. I'm excited about that.

Lately I have been thinking about my own personal "miracle" and how I just love her to death. I would do anything for her, and how lucky I am to be able to stay at home and spoil her rotten with my kisses and laughs. She loves me. She's healthy and we are a happy family. Even if we couldn't have more babies, we have our miracle and we're both enjoying every second of her. I'm mad that I got so stressed out when she was a baby and didn't stop crying for 8 months (she had "colic", and acid reflux). I'm mad that I left her at the bebysitter's for 9 months so I could go back to teaching part time. But now it's all good. She's fluent in Spanish, and understands all English. She just started speaking English again. And She loves me as much as I love her. We are so happy together. I'm so blessed. I can't be mad at God anymore, because he gave me my miracle.

I hope all you bloggers out there can get a miracle like mine.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

quick one

We have all the results back and it's all GOOD.
Genetic tests = normal (AND our insurance covered it(!) even though they said they didn't..)
SA = better than last time in March. Which means that his little ones are not dissapearing like my RE said they might be, therefore there's not going to be any poking at anybody's parts to get spermis out. Thank god. That sounded really awful when my RE in Spain said that they might have to do that.
I really hope that this means we can get pregnant with 2 cycles of IVF. Hopefully in one, and hopefully with twins. I know the controversy, but I don't care. I want to do this once and be done with it. And I want 3 kids.
Woo Hoo!
Less than a month to go. Can't wait.
Oh! and I just made a new friend, and it just so happens that she works for a plastic surgeon and she's going to help me get my face I don't look like a little teenager going through No botox or injections or anything like that...all lotions and potions.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The craziness is starting

I can't really focus much right now, but I'll try to make sense of what I'm thinking/feeling..
I just talked to my mom. She had a very informal meeting (aren't they all in Spain..?) with the embriologist about my case. She gave him all the records and he read them ALL right there with her. He was very impressed with the detailed summaries of all my tests and all the pics. BUT, he was should I say this...taken back by my husband's results. Since there were 0 moving, he's also assuming they were dead. He says that they can revive them somehow (i don't know the right terms), and if they couldn't, he could refer us to a great Urologist to get them out alive via surgery (my husband doesn't know that part). Anyways, we might be able to work with what we've got. He also agreed with my RE here in that the sperm problem worsens FAST. REALLY FAST. so we need to do this now.
Now, the real problem here (he thinks) is that there may be a genetic problem with his sperm. He wants us to do genetic testing right away. His reason is the m/c I had last year. The abortion wasn't natural. We had to perform a D&C because they couldn't find a heartbeat. He says that the fetus might have had...well, you know, something wrong with it.
I had a feeling that genetics might have been the cause, but my RE here said no. Who knows.
He says that we can't go through the IVF process to have a baby with some genetic disorderfar worse than down syndrome. (his words).
So I'm going to email my RE's nurse and ask for the test ASAP. We have to do it now because all the paperwork in Spain has to start soon in order for me to start my cycle when I get there on January 2nd.
My mom also asked about their protocol, and he didn't mention the pill. Only that they would force my body to ovulate and bla bla bla...My RE uses the pill for the first 10 days or something like that. He said that my PCOS was fine. Totally controllable. He said that they have a 30% rate of success, and that they're at the US level. I really hope so. I hope they don't over-stimulate me and I end up with a million cysts...
Also, I was reading up on PCOS last night and on webmd it says that it causes repeated that normal? I can't even contemplate another one. It was too devastating.
And that's all. If anybody has any info for me, please HELP!

One last thing. This PCOS is driving me crazy! I'm breaking out like crazy and I'm greasy and loosing HAIR!. Yes. I read it's normal. Does anyone have an alternative way to aleviate these symptoms other that the BCP??

Friday, November 13, 2009

some news..

Well, we got some news. I found out that I've been ovulating at CD 28. For the first time, and because I wasn't getting my period on time, I decided to get an OPK this month. I started checking on CD 9. I wasn't getting a positive so I stopped testing. Yesterday (CD 28) I started getting cramps so I checked and I got a positive. I was sooo excited! For the first time in 2 years, I got a positive on the stupid stick!!. SO I called my husband and we've had some fun..
I checked last night and this morning and it was still positive.
We just got a copy of all of our results from the RE so that my mom (who's been here for 2 weeks) could take them to Spain and show the RE there. I looked at my husband's SA and it was really bad. Only 200.000 and none motile. Which most likely means that were dead.
I really don't know why I'm so excited about these positives, because it really is imposible for us to conceive but...I can't help it.
The RE here said that Dh's results have worsened so we should freeze them if we want more kids in the future. It's kind of depressing to know that this is it for us. I really hope it works in Spain.
We'll see what happens. We found out that we were pregnant right after thanksgiving with my daughter. Wouldn't it be incredible if it happen TWICE??!!
I'm going to stop dreaming now...or it'll hurt too much when I find out that I'm not pregnant and we have 10 people in my house celebrating thanksgiving...

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Last visit before IVF

Today was our last visit with the RE here in the US. I had my doubts going in because I just feel like such a huge hipocondriac!! Thankfully, my mom is home for 2 weeks and came with me. The dr. spoke Spanish for her...he´s such a nice guy. I told him that I just wanted to be ready before I get to Spain. I don´t want to get there and have them tell me that I have a huge something and that all the planning is out the, I think I have Endo.
So we went mom reminding me that it was ok to ask him a few questions...
And he was GREAT yet again.
He explained every single detail for us (2nd time for me) and said that protocols are different but that he was willing to work as a ¨satellite¨office and help out. He offered calling my dr. in Spain!
He said that I could just go for 4 days if I didn´t mind paying for the drugs here..How much are drugs only anyways? Anybody knows?
Not many people are following my blog yet...but I hope I can get some answers..
I asked about Endo and he said that I have PCOS. That after all the ¨very comfortable, easy, and wonderful¨test he did on me, that there's nothing that suggests Endo. I guess there's some scar tissue around my tubes, but he said that it wasn't endometriosis.
Something NEW: Varicoccele alone is not the reason why my husband's SA are so bad. The fact that he had undescented testicles did it. At least we know something new...

I feel better overall. I am ready for the cycle to start. I am SO ready to be pregnant again.
I just too dinner over to a friend that just had a hard...I've already forgotten what newborns look like! She was one of the 5 friends that had a baby in the last week. I still have...let's see...6 more to go in the next 3-4 months..ISn't that crazy! 2 of them in my family.
Oh well. I need to realize that I'm very blessed to have my gordi. At least I have one. and a good one.


I've been dreaming all night that I was a few weeks pregnant and with a huge belly! That I was hanging out with my good friend and we were sharing pregnancy concerns (she's prego now) and all that..
I think it's because my trip tp Spain is getting closer and also because I'm going to see the RE today. Finally! It's taken me 1 month to see him. I have a few concerns about Endo. Could I have that? I do have lots of cramping all month long, some are sharp pains...And very irregular cycle ( i haven't ovulated and I'm at CD 21 - last month I had a 40 day cycle..)
What else should I tell him? My last HSG showed quite a bit of scar tissue on one of my ovaries/ tubes, but he never mentioned ENDO. Do they stay away from diagnosing it unless is very painful?
So now, besides my husband's terrible SA's, I have to add my horrible cycles.
I'm a bit scared that I have something bad. (Hypocondriac, anyone?). It's just strange that I haven't ovulated when I'm supposed to be in good shape now.

Change of subject:
how was halloween, people?!?!
My daughter was the cutest EVER. She was a bumble bee. We did all kinds of fun stuff. And she got lots of cnady. Our neighborhood was great. Many kids and many nice adults giving out candy. Gordi (my daughter) just wanted to hang out with all those kids and share her candy. Soooo adorable.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


There should be a guide to understand husbands...Just like "what to expect where you are expecting" but for husbands..."what to expect when your spouse doesn't talk much"
We had a talk yesterday. I think we both got a lot off our chests...I did!. He said that he's ok with having more kids, He wants more. I think he realizes that I'm more messed up than before and IVF really is our only route here..
He said that he doesn't want to use his vacation time on this...freezing in Spain instead that warm in Florida (or somewhere else on REAL vacation). He hates his job now, so he really looks forward vacation time to have fun. I just don't want him to blame me for wasting his vacation if nothing happens, if I don't get pregnant.
SO I totally misread him.
He also said that I'm a total PSYCHO. And that I'm a rollercoaster and a mess. He can't keep up with my mood swings anymore. So I'm going to try and relax. I guess Spain is back on.

Monday, October 19, 2009

IVF is so scary..

I just went to Lost and Found and read
Kim here, has had many surgeries and is totally afraid of IVF. I am too. I hate doctors and all the stuff the do to us. I showed it to my husband because she expresses herself so well...Her words are a rollercoaster.
He said that hers was a totally different situation, because I would just need 1 round of IVF (yeah, right) and because she had to get more things done that I won't need.
He didn't get the point at all...
I'm I the only one that feels like their husband doesn't give a crap??!. Then we started the same as always argument and he ended up saying that he was OK with just having 1 kid.
I guess I just need to let go.
Well, going on with the title of this post, I'm really scared to do it period. Even if its free in Spain. I just don't want to do it alone. I think I rather pay for it and know that my husband is there for me. So I told him that I wanted to do it here; and he laughed and turned up the volume on the TV.
I guess I won't have to go through IVF after all...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I figured it out!

Every time I get my period, the day before I have a HUGE meltdown. That was yesterday. And that's when I decided it was over.
I think I'm starting to have moments of clarividencia! SOY BRUJA! maybe that's not the word, but it's like I can understand myself better and work through my issues at the moment and make decisions that last.
Last time, major meltdown time I should say, it was about me growing up and being OK staying at home with my daughter. And now, it's about cancelling our plans (my plans) to do IVF after Christmas.
Today, I have realized that my DH doesn't want to have a baby through doctors. He just wants it natural. I just don't know if I can wait for that. It's been 13 months since my miscarriage. I'm exhausted. I can't try too much longer. So I give up now. It's official
And tomorrow we're going to SEA WORLD! Love Florida!

It's over

I had been so excited for the last month..I started the blog, my loquero (psychologist) told me I was "cured" due to our decision to move up IVF to January, my family is visiting, we got a cabin in UT for Christmas...all seemed great! I was in great spirits again.
Well...I called my husband to tell him that my mom wasn't going to be able to help me with my daughter because she found a job. As I was starting to explain to him that we might have to put her in daycare (in Spain, while I do IVF ALONE)...he started calling me all kinds of things (stupid among them) because he thought I wanted to go tomorrow to Spain to do it before my mom started this new job. I would never take away all these vacations we have planned for Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family!! But I really couldn't talk anymore so I hung up the phone.
As I was talking to my brother in law, I realized that my DH doesn't want to do it. He doesn't want to have more kids. At least not through any assisted way. He really thinks that after his last SA (result= 0- NADA) we can get pregnant naturally.
It happened once, i know...but it was before his variccoccele surgery. This last SA was HORRIBLE. It has gotten worse...
Even two nights ago, he was telling me that instead of coming for 2 weeks to visit us in Spain (while we are there for 2+ months) and dropping off his sample, maybe he could come for only 1 week because he wants to have more vacation to spend with his family next year.
Most people know that a cycle of IVF is hell, right?? We are pros at this. We know every detail, and he expects me to go through it all alone, and only see him for a week!!
Its over. I'm not doing it alone.
I guess, I have to make peace with the fact that it's not going to happen for a while. I guess I can get a job or something to distract me from thinking about it ALL THE TIME.
I haven't been able to sleep much...I feel like I lost a part of me.
Why can't he just do it right?? just because he loves me??
I guess it's too much to ask.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Appointment done

Well, today I scheduled an appointment with my RE. I haven't had my period yet. I'm a week late. I took 2 pregnancy tests and BFN on both. I think I'm imagining pregnancy symptoms...I make this sooo much harder on myself than it should be. I should just relax. BUT I CAN'T. I wish I could.

The RE I used last spring was great. He knows about my country and the health system. He was really excited about me doing IVF in Spain. That gives me some comfort. Here, in the US, we are used to the thought that health care is so great here, that other countries suck. Or maybe it's my perception only. I don't know. When I had my M/C and D&C done there I felt I was in a third world country. It was weird. Very efficient and well done, but the facilities and the access that patiens have to doctors is totally different.

Anyways, I haven't had a period and I'm freaking out because, what if I have a medical problem before I get to Spain and they can't start with IVF until they fix it and I'm stuck there for longer than the predicted 2 months???I love my family and my mom, and I love the fact that I'm going to have help EVERYWHERE. But I'm going to miss my husband like crazy.

Just because we can't make a baby by ourselves, doesn't mean that I can/ want to get pregnant without him. He will be there for 2 just doesn't seem enough!

I have the appointment in 3 weeks. Nov. 4th. We'll see.

This sucks!

What am I doing?

Yes, What am I doing?

I am a fellow Ifer besides many other things. I have a two year old daughter. The cutest toddler in the world, who is bilingual and also, very smart. I am a H.S. teacher on a break. I used to teach Spanish. I am Spanish, from Spain. I guess I should add that you will find many misspelled words, things that don't make sense and very very bad writing.

I don't care at this point.

I will remain anonymous, just because I want to feel comfortable saying ( or writing) my feelings and opinions.

I started reading blogs like mine when I realized that I needed help dealing with infertility AGAIN. My husband cannot put up with another conversation about the matter and I NEED to vent.

I found It scared me to death, but at the same time it gave me comfort because I knew that there were many of us going through the same CRAP. I should clarify...It scared me because I found out what real people go through, instead of what my doctors had told's scary!! it sucks!

So here I am. Using my blog as a therapeutic way to fix me. Just like we use sex as a therapeutic way to fix our relationship with our husbands/partners, right??

I hope it works. I see that there is a lot of support from one to another...that's just what I need.

Why is it that nobody understands THIS!. I can't talk to my girlfriends about it because none of them is married...and if they are, they seem to have problems avoiding pregnancies. I can't talk to my mother...she's bored of it already. I already mentioned my husband...even a psychologist I just started to visit told me that all I needed was relaxation techniques...WTH


Here I am.