Thursday, October 28, 2010

Random thoughts

Lately I´ve been full of very random, yet important thoughts / feelings in my head...mainly because of my decision to donate eggs and do another IVF round next year and all that implies, AND my visit with THE BEST infertility counselor (psychologist) ever.

The counselor was awesome. My DH came along, per her request. She wants to see where we are both at. She gave us tips and exercises to get closer...she says that he´s distanced himself from me because he can´t fix it, AND I´ve become a psycho...obsessed with all things IF. Thigs are better now between us, and I have great expectations for the future.

On the other hand, I am going through all the donor process...a pain, if you ask me. It is $6K in paperwork and extra things to do, if you ask me.
A lot of questions have aroused from this decision. Moral questions, financial questions, my mom´s questions, my friend´s´s´s a lot!. I will give MY baby away. It will be one of mine. If I didn´t want one so bad, I probably wouldn´t care so much...but I do. Is it worth $6K? Could I sell them for more? Is it fair to sell them for more to a couple who´s struggling just like us? I do need the money...I probably won´t have enough embryos to freeze because of it, and one less chance at this... I could just wait 2 years and pay full prize when I start working again. Can I really wait 6 months for this?? I need it now?! BUT what if I could get preggo on my own again??

And, worst of all, my BIL just posted " Today is a great day!" on his FB status...and my MIL agreed, and his MIL agreed, and his wife too...without explaining...SHE´s SO PREGNANT!!!....I am having a hard time keeping the tears as a type this...they´ve been trying for a day or two...

Why does this have to be this hard?? Why can´t I shake it off and leave it behind me?

I guess I just answered one, I can´t wait 2 years to have enough money for this. I guess egg donor is the route we will take.

By the way, I am so happy for Amy and this gal. So happy you guys got pregnant!!

Oh!! NEWS! My brother in law just called me..YES, she´s pregnant. I just want to die...please, take me out of my misery! And my husband thinks I´m sick for not being happy for them...I am happy for them, just very SAD for me.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Blogosphere, help me!!

I have a question.

Like I mentioned before, I am considering donating half of the eggs produced in my next IVF to lower the cost and help somebody. The IVF clinic lowered my cost to 50% (=$6,000). I was happy with that, UNTIL my brother in law, who´s gay and has considered pursuing surrogacy with his partner, told me that he has been asked to pay $6K for a regular donor, but that price would have gone up to $10K because I have had a baby already and she´s healthy and we don´t have any genetic issues...Is $6K off a standard amount? Should I "shop" around for a better "deal"? Is there any way that we can find recipients through the blogosphere??

Another question: Should we pay for all the psychologic and genetic counseling involved in a split program? (donor program). The clinic called today and said they want me to go to gen.zyme and have a genetic counselor write a report on my genetics...Is that a standard step that donors have to pay?

I would love to hear from peolpe that know about the subject, or have gone through it themselves.


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Moving forward!!

In a few months...
We went to the Reproduc.tive Me.dicine Gr.oup here in Tampa and we discussed our options yesterday. Even DH came along!! how awesome!. Well, before we miracuously got pregnant with gordi, we met with them and they offered the option of dinating eggs. To me, back then, 4 years ago, that was the worst thing anyone could ask me. It wasn´t worth $6,000....Well, now, if I want another try at IVF, I need to convince my husband that we are getting an amazing that we can actually afford. The Dr. said that I am a perfect candidate because we don´t have any herediatry illnesses and I had a beautiful baby. I am capable, young and healthy. So, instead of $12K we are going to pay $6K.
Cons: Minimal chance at getting any frozen embrios.

Pros: I help somebody have a baby.
Reduced fee for us

The $12 K includes meds. I know, pretty good deal. DH mentioned that we might use a canadian pharmacy to get them because it´s cheaper...Also, the Dr said that since I tend to overstimulate, we probably use less drugs anyways. We are going to use our flex spending acct. It makes sense. But we have to wait until next year´s insurance...March, I guess.

So, what does this mean? I have ONE more chance at this. I need it. I am nowhere near done. I am 28 years old. I have 4 bedrooms to fill in my house. I can´t wait to have more kids.
Dh and I talked last night and he said that after this try we are done. He doesn´t want to "waste" any more money on this. He doesn´t want IF around anymore. He wants to be free of it.
For me, I need more chances. This try can be this year, maybe we can try again after I work for a year and we have more money. For now, I´ll stay home with my daughter and enjoy our time together. She´s growing so fast, and so smart...I have a blast with her..She´s playing soccer (of course!) and she´s a natural...It makes me so proud. I have volunteered in her classroom and I almost cry everytime she sings or proud to be her mami.

I feel better now.
Thanks guys!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I can´t..

I can´t say goodbye to my infertility or my longing for another child, only makes sense that I can´t say goodbye to my blog and all of your blogs to get me through the day. Since I am reading and writing on your blogs, I thought I could give it a try a start over with my own blog.

First off, I´m sorry that I left so abruptly. I was SO mad. So mad. I can´t even describe it. I was even mad at my husband...for not being there when I got the call, for never being with me when I go through IVF and all IVF related procedures.

What now? Well, I can´t stop obsessing over IVF. I´ve looked at a million clinical trials, called..nothing. The best deal I can find (well, not the best, the only one I can try to afford) is a local RE that gives 50% off if you donate some eggs. So, here I am. I have an appointment on tuesday to see if they still offer it. It would be $6,000 instead of $12,000. Not bad. $6K seems easier to get to. I just don´t know how to finance $´s SO much money.

Obviously, I could work and make money and pay for it, right? But my husband argues that I will neglect my daughter (maybe the only child I will ever have) so that I can throw money down the drain??? because it probably won´t work??? Neglect is too strong of a word, but I would have to leave her in school all day if I went back to work. I´ve found a tutoring job that pays around $30/hr, but Dh doesn´t want me to leave my daughter with a friend or in school for 6hrs a week. He makes me feel so guilty for wanting to make some cash!. I don´t know if I can, or should confront him and just do it. I could make $6k in 10 months for sure...the rest I could pay from our checking.

He´s done. I´m not. I believe that if we tried one or 2 more times I would get pregnant. I´ve already been pregnant!!! twice!! Our chances are great!. I can´t just let it go because of money...

Any thoughts? advice? shoot!