Wednesday, December 29, 2010

hard times

I just gave 2 huge bags of 18 month to 3T clothes to a friend. All of the clothes I had, to be precise.
This is a very hard decision. It´s complicated. On one hand I don´t want to see them anymore. I have boxes and boxes of clothes than remind me that I won´t have more kids...that there is no future in action happening...nothing. A deep hole of nothing that fills my heart...
On another side, I want to keep them. I want to feel triumphant when I do get pregnant and I get to use them again...but that hasn´t happened in 3 years now, so I should just let it go and move on. Get more room in my garage, give the clothes to people that need them and are going to use them.

I have a friend, L. She´s very particular in many aspects, but my friend nonetheless. She has a 2 year old and I have given her many clothes. Now, another friend needs my 2T clothes and L won´t give them back to me. L has already sold one of our common friends´ tricile in her yard sale, without asking permission, or even giving the money made back.... I fear that L has sold all my gymb.oree clothes on a yard sale and pocketed the money...It pisses me off so bad. but WHY? I gave her the clothes, asking her to return them if I had another girl. It has been over a year and nothing has happened, I am not having any more kids. I should be ok with this. She might have used them too much and they just need to go to the trash now.
These clothes are loaded. The carry HOPE. My hope of having another child. If I loose track of them...maybe I will loose track of my hope. My life.

Today has been one of those days where I can´t smile inside. I might have smiled outside, but I am so sad inside.
I have no plans to do IVF again. I had to start BCP this month because my cycles are 45 days long, and I need to bleed...I need to try and regulate myself. I am preventing a pregnancy EVEN MORE...
I am mad that my brother in law won´t give us money to do a cycle when he makes a million $ a year...and is buying a house with a $1.4M tag. It´s just not fair. It´s not their problem, either. I shouldn´t be mad because they don´t offer to help me.

I am on the verge of a meltdown. I can feel it. I am tired of IF...

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I need action!

IVM is out the window.
The clinic that gives me free IVF will let me move forward, but they won´t allow it to it might take a little longer to get matched. No action there..

IVF in Spain is also at a stall. My dad said he wanted to talk to Dr. Moron in person. Until that happens, no action. If the Dr. says ok, I won´t be able to move forward until the end of June anyways. 6 months long....

What do I do in the mean time? What a pain...I wish I could just start already...

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

self inflicted pain

I guess I do that right now. I am resting from cleaning the house before DH´s family arrives tomorrow, and there´s nothing on TV. I thought I could watch "16 and p.regnant" show on MTV. It should be prohibited for IFers to watch that show.

Right now, I would go straight to the adoption route in a heartbeat! But my husband does not want me to even mention it. He doesn´t want to persue it. I think it sounds like the easier way out this hell. I know I am capable of loving a child, regardless where it comes from...

The FREE IVF clinic gave me a little trouble. According to them, the FDA doesn´t let them use me as an anonymous donor because I lived in Spain during the Mad Cow time. It is weird because no other clinic has ever even mentioned it. So I will be presented as a donor but the prospective receipients will have to meet me. No biggie, I guess. They declined me for a week, during which I broke down (obviously) and DH agreed that doing another cycle in Spain was the best way to do it. He doesn´t want to spend 6 or 12 thousand dollars. So I asked my dad if I could go back and do it again and he said he would have a talk with Dr. Moron. GREAT...
So things keep moving forward...

Thursday, December 9, 2010


I have been in contact with an RN in charge of a study in NJ. They need women with PC.OS. I just sent all my results to them. The trial is In Vi.tro M.aturation for PCO.S.
I would have to cover diagnostic testing, anesthesia, and meds. Good thing is that meds should just be the Hcg shot prior to retreival.
I have friends in bff here has an apartment with a sofa bed and a guess I would have to pay for a sublet for a month, car rental for a month, 4 plane tickets, maybe 5...Is it worth it?I would have to take my daughter with me...

I am keeping all my options open. The clinic here that charges me $6K for a share cycle, the clinic in Margate that charges me about $1,500 for a share cycle and the study in NJ. We´ll see what happens in the end.
I need to keep moving. I need to start cycling soon...I´m sure you guys understand me.

I.V.M is actually a pretty good deal. After going through OHSS once, I can say that IVM and everything that helps me avoid it, is fantastic. I would love to try it. It doesn´t require any stims therefore lowering the risk of cancer (I know it´s not proven, but I just cannot believe it..)

On a positive note, my aunt, who is 42 married to my uncle who is 55 just got pregnant! They have gone through 5 cycle, one m/c and she´s finally 11 weeks. I am so happy for them. Also, my husband came home today with a promotion! I guess we could do a cycle on our own now, but I just can´t take this extra money away from him. We need to go on a good vacation and relax. It has been really stressful for him lately. Have you noticed how husbands turn to be awful communicators under stress?? Mine is terrible. It makes things very hard. I know I have to give him time, and things will be better. Hopefully Xmas will do the trick.

Also, I POASed today. I´m 8 days late. Which is normal, but I have had cramps for 3 weeks, and AF just doesn´t get here!! It´s driving me crazy. I do not recommen Lu.pron De.pot to anyone on earth! Evil evil thing. Now that we are in the 50´s (yes, 50´s in Tampa!), my hot flashes have dissapeared...thank god!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Free IVF

Well, as free as it gets.
I have been calling every clinic that I am accessible to in the state of Florida and I found one in Margate that doesn´t charge for a cycle if I split it or share it with another couple. So I can share half of my eggs and get a cycle free. FREE!. I think I will have to pay a little over $1,000 in paperwork fees, and maybe some more because we need to use ICSI. hopefully I will need to pay more to freeze some embrios. That would be ideal.
So, my DH agreed and we are doing it! I have my 1st visit on monday the 13th. DH´s parents live about 15 mins away. How awesome is that! I have childcare included.
I am really excited. Now, we just have to get the OK from the Dr to be a share donor and proceed.

Wish me luck!
If anybody has had experiences either sharing or receiving their eggs (in a shared cycle), please let me know the details!!

Friday, December 3, 2010

I´ve lost some weight!

I really thought that I was "aging" and was gaining weight and just couldn´t loose it anymore...stoopid lupron depot. Now that it´s almost out of my system, I have lost 5lbs in 2 weeks, and that´s including thanksgiving food. All the weight was concentrated around the waist and thighs. Now I am back at 120lbs. Hopefully I can stay this way.

I was reading the blog of an egg donor and noticed how she blamed lupron for the weight gain. I guess I can do it too.

On another note, I loooove my therapist. She´s a fertility psychologist. She fixes all my emotions...including the lack of understanding from my husband. She gave me a summary of "men are from,wom.en are from" hahaha. She gets me. It makes things easier. All IFers should get a Kathy like mine.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Passing time..

As time passes, I feel stronger because I haven´t lost it..YET...I have managed to stay sane so far. I am actually doing pretty good. My therapist is helping mefind ways to deal with stress and control my IF talk, which means, not drive my DH insane with all the IF talk. I think I can manage it better now.
So November is almost over and I have no plans for IVF so far...
I know: that I can only come up with about $6K for next year´s IVF, therefore, I know that I need to donate half to even attempt a cycle, OR, donate a full cycle, pocket $6K from it and then, pay for my own cycle.
I don´t know: If I´ll be able to donate at all. Let me explain. 2 of my aunts have had breast cancer. The one that had it the worst and 2 different times tested negative on the genetic test ( i can´t remember the name of it). So, her cancer wasn´t genetic. My other aunt, lives in the US and doesn´t want to test because if she tests positive, her daughter´s insurance will either drop her or raise the premium. She won´t test. The genetic counselor I went to, wrote up a report stating that the receipients of my eggs needed to be notified..blah, blah, blah...So, now we have to wait for my RE to say if we are ok to proceed and find a receipient or not.
We should be ok, according to the donor coordinator, but it makes me nervous.
I am trying to find ways to save money and make some extra money as well. I don´t think we would be able to do it for another year though...I kinda feel like our families should help...but they shouldn´t really...why would they??anyways, they won´t.
DH might get a little raise next month...
So many questions and changes and time passing...
My baby is huge now. 3 years and 4 months. She´s so tall and smart that she seems even older...I always said I didn´t want to have kids as far apart as my brother and me, but as of this month, my kids will be farther apart than me and my brother. 4 years apart. And I don´t even have a date in the near future to try again. It may be 6 months, it may be 2 years, it may never happen.

The holiday brake was nice. We drove to D.C. to see my BIL, husband and baby. Being around a baby for 5 days is hard....also, when the extended family avoids asking US when we are going to have another baby, after asking all the young couples...that´s when you know it´s BAD. I couldn´t even look up for a couple of minutes I was trying to keep the tears in so hard. I did good. I did not cry. Not once during the whole trip. I was sad for a day. Being sad doesn´t get me anywhere so I stopped. I finally understand what my husband tries to explain every time: why do I get sad, if nothing good is going come out of it, and I am going to be in pain??

Today I told my husband at the new Chi.ldrens mu.seum here in I hate seeing pregnant women...i think...maybe I said I hate women who are pregnant. It´s late, I can´t see the difference now. BUT, I did say that. Am I nuts? maybe...I just hate going to the zoo or Ga.rdens or ANYWHERE and see all these women pregnant!!! I hate it.

Well, time passes, flies by....I need to focus more on the now, and how amazing my husband and daughter are, and less on the age difference and the possibility that we will be a family of 3 forever...

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Hot flashes! GO AWAY!

That´s all...
PLease, go away!!!

It´s been 3 months since my lupr.on dep.ot shot and I still get miserable...

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Ideas, Ideas..

I have researching a LOT lately. Nonstop almost. I still take care of my daughter and get good grades on my master´s classes, but I am truly obsessed with IVF.
I joined a few websites that work as classifieds for donors and intended parents. I´ve made a g.mail address ( if anyone is interested. 2 people contacted me, but it seems all false, or not really interested.
Last night, while I was trying to fall asleep, I had an IDEA. What if I donated eggs first in January or so. One clinic here gives $4K for that. With that money and maxing out our FSA, I could pay for a cycle, and actually not have to share my eggs. That way, I get $$, I get a chance at freezing some embies and affording it all! even the possible FETs.

I have to "pass" the donor paperwork first. I have an appointment with a genetic counselor next week, and after that I shouldn´t have any problems.

What do you guys think?? I know myself now, and all the midnight ideas end up being crazy thoughts that take me nowhere.

Any other ideas are welcome!!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

what a day! week...year!..

Today I had a baby shower.. I did not want to got, but gordi wouldn´t take a nap and I hate staying home (don´t ask me why) so I said I would take her with me, so she could play with her best friends. It was HARD. andI didn´t even stay for the presents...but I had to get one. I went to hard.
Then I had dinner with friends, who have a 1 year old...HARD
When is it going to get easier?? I am so tired of it...WHat a year!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Random thoughts

Lately I´ve been full of very random, yet important thoughts / feelings in my head...mainly because of my decision to donate eggs and do another IVF round next year and all that implies, AND my visit with THE BEST infertility counselor (psychologist) ever.

The counselor was awesome. My DH came along, per her request. She wants to see where we are both at. She gave us tips and exercises to get closer...she says that he´s distanced himself from me because he can´t fix it, AND I´ve become a psycho...obsessed with all things IF. Thigs are better now between us, and I have great expectations for the future.

On the other hand, I am going through all the donor process...a pain, if you ask me. It is $6K in paperwork and extra things to do, if you ask me.
A lot of questions have aroused from this decision. Moral questions, financial questions, my mom´s questions, my friend´s´s´s a lot!. I will give MY baby away. It will be one of mine. If I didn´t want one so bad, I probably wouldn´t care so much...but I do. Is it worth $6K? Could I sell them for more? Is it fair to sell them for more to a couple who´s struggling just like us? I do need the money...I probably won´t have enough embryos to freeze because of it, and one less chance at this... I could just wait 2 years and pay full prize when I start working again. Can I really wait 6 months for this?? I need it now?! BUT what if I could get preggo on my own again??

And, worst of all, my BIL just posted " Today is a great day!" on his FB status...and my MIL agreed, and his MIL agreed, and his wife too...without explaining...SHE´s SO PREGNANT!!!....I am having a hard time keeping the tears as a type this...they´ve been trying for a day or two...

Why does this have to be this hard?? Why can´t I shake it off and leave it behind me?

I guess I just answered one, I can´t wait 2 years to have enough money for this. I guess egg donor is the route we will take.

By the way, I am so happy for Amy and this gal. So happy you guys got pregnant!!

Oh!! NEWS! My brother in law just called me..YES, she´s pregnant. I just want to die...please, take me out of my misery! And my husband thinks I´m sick for not being happy for them...I am happy for them, just very SAD for me.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Blogosphere, help me!!

I have a question.

Like I mentioned before, I am considering donating half of the eggs produced in my next IVF to lower the cost and help somebody. The IVF clinic lowered my cost to 50% (=$6,000). I was happy with that, UNTIL my brother in law, who´s gay and has considered pursuing surrogacy with his partner, told me that he has been asked to pay $6K for a regular donor, but that price would have gone up to $10K because I have had a baby already and she´s healthy and we don´t have any genetic issues...Is $6K off a standard amount? Should I "shop" around for a better "deal"? Is there any way that we can find recipients through the blogosphere??

Another question: Should we pay for all the psychologic and genetic counseling involved in a split program? (donor program). The clinic called today and said they want me to go to gen.zyme and have a genetic counselor write a report on my genetics...Is that a standard step that donors have to pay?

I would love to hear from peolpe that know about the subject, or have gone through it themselves.


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Moving forward!!

In a few months...
We went to the Reproduc.tive Me.dicine Gr.oup here in Tampa and we discussed our options yesterday. Even DH came along!! how awesome!. Well, before we miracuously got pregnant with gordi, we met with them and they offered the option of dinating eggs. To me, back then, 4 years ago, that was the worst thing anyone could ask me. It wasn´t worth $6,000....Well, now, if I want another try at IVF, I need to convince my husband that we are getting an amazing that we can actually afford. The Dr. said that I am a perfect candidate because we don´t have any herediatry illnesses and I had a beautiful baby. I am capable, young and healthy. So, instead of $12K we are going to pay $6K.
Cons: Minimal chance at getting any frozen embrios.

Pros: I help somebody have a baby.
Reduced fee for us

The $12 K includes meds. I know, pretty good deal. DH mentioned that we might use a canadian pharmacy to get them because it´s cheaper...Also, the Dr said that since I tend to overstimulate, we probably use less drugs anyways. We are going to use our flex spending acct. It makes sense. But we have to wait until next year´s insurance...March, I guess.

So, what does this mean? I have ONE more chance at this. I need it. I am nowhere near done. I am 28 years old. I have 4 bedrooms to fill in my house. I can´t wait to have more kids.
Dh and I talked last night and he said that after this try we are done. He doesn´t want to "waste" any more money on this. He doesn´t want IF around anymore. He wants to be free of it.
For me, I need more chances. This try can be this year, maybe we can try again after I work for a year and we have more money. For now, I´ll stay home with my daughter and enjoy our time together. She´s growing so fast, and so smart...I have a blast with her..She´s playing soccer (of course!) and she´s a natural...It makes me so proud. I have volunteered in her classroom and I almost cry everytime she sings or proud to be her mami.

I feel better now.
Thanks guys!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I can´t..

I can´t say goodbye to my infertility or my longing for another child, only makes sense that I can´t say goodbye to my blog and all of your blogs to get me through the day. Since I am reading and writing on your blogs, I thought I could give it a try a start over with my own blog.

First off, I´m sorry that I left so abruptly. I was SO mad. So mad. I can´t even describe it. I was even mad at my husband...for not being there when I got the call, for never being with me when I go through IVF and all IVF related procedures.

What now? Well, I can´t stop obsessing over IVF. I´ve looked at a million clinical trials, called..nothing. The best deal I can find (well, not the best, the only one I can try to afford) is a local RE that gives 50% off if you donate some eggs. So, here I am. I have an appointment on tuesday to see if they still offer it. It would be $6,000 instead of $12,000. Not bad. $6K seems easier to get to. I just don´t know how to finance $´s SO much money.

Obviously, I could work and make money and pay for it, right? But my husband argues that I will neglect my daughter (maybe the only child I will ever have) so that I can throw money down the drain??? because it probably won´t work??? Neglect is too strong of a word, but I would have to leave her in school all day if I went back to work. I´ve found a tutoring job that pays around $30/hr, but Dh doesn´t want me to leave my daughter with a friend or in school for 6hrs a week. He makes me feel so guilty for wanting to make some cash!. I don´t know if I can, or should confront him and just do it. I could make $6k in 10 months for sure...the rest I could pay from our checking.

He´s done. I´m not. I believe that if we tried one or 2 more times I would get pregnant. I´ve already been pregnant!!! twice!! Our chances are great!. I can´t just let it go because of money...

Any thoughts? advice? shoot!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

bad news and goodbye

None survived the thaw, and since nobody is following, I´m saying goodbye. Good luck to you all!

Monday, September 13, 2010

So nervous...

I am freaking out people...I called my friend the embryologist and he said that Dr. Moron never told him that I was doing my FET tomorrow. OK. Well, I´m telling you NOW. Yes, he had seen my name on the weekly to-do list and knew it already....also, said that he was going to check with the girls at the lab and let me know. I am, still waiting next to the phone and it is midnight. I´m guessing he´s not calling tonight.

I am also guessing they will call tomorrow with bad news..I really don´t know how a FET works and all the thawing process (I´ll prob go check Dr. in a sec), but he probably knows whether there has been any progress or not with my embies. right?? They got them out of the tank today...then again, this is Spain...maybe nobody was working there this afternoon. Anyways, I can´t wait to know the status of my babies. I feel like they are babies already. I might loose 3 more!! I´ve already lost 3...

I´ll let you (or nobody, cause nobody is following) know tomorrow...

Sunday, September 12, 2010

FET in 1 day!

I have been enjoying myself this time around. I haven´t obsessed over anything related to the transfer. Finally. I feel my body very relaxed lately. Maybe it has to do with the fiestas here and all the partying I'm doing...It's been fun.
Transfer is on tuesday. I'm going to stay home this time around. Gordi will stay at school for a bit longer than usual, my bro will take her to my dad's for lunch and will bring her back for siesta. I'll just lay on the couch all day. In the afternoon my mom will take her to the playground next to us.
The fact that I don't have to be monitored at all has helped tremendously. I hate that place, and I'm glad I don't have to be there at all.
Wish me luck!!

PS: I am a little concerned about the fact that I'm not getting any comments to my posts...I started the blog in order to deal with my emotions, not to get reactions...but it was nice to look forward to a comment or two...

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


I made it to Spain on sunday. Good flight.
Visit with Dr went great. Both my ovaries have stopped their normal activities, and my lining is 8mm. So, the transfer of my frozen embies is next tuesday, the 14th, that is, if they survive the thaw. I have to start pro.gesterone on thursday 3xday orally and 3xday vaginally on the 14th. I have to keep the es.trogen 3xday until after my 3rd month of pregnancy, if everything goes well.
I feel better now. Not so sick. Sometimes I just want to puke, and I´m exhausted. Jet lag is kicking my butt, and Gordi´s too.
Gordi started at the preschool here on monday so I could go to the Dr. She loves it.
We are actually having fun, the town´s fiestas started this weekend, so everybody is out and there´s lots to do. I´m going to a bullfight tomorrow. My mom organized it for me. I used to like it because it was more of a prestigious thing to do, but now I hate it...I just feel bad that she spent the money for me...I don´t know how I´m going to make it through the whole 2 hrs...
I am happy that my daughter gets to enjoy the fiesta like I did when I was her age...I told my mom today that if this FET doesn´t give me a baby, I´m going to go back to work next year, and I´m going to spend all my extra money in trips to Spain and taking care of us. I want my daughter to grow up like I did, with fiestas and family all around.
I have 0 hope for this FET. I´m afraid that Dr.Moron was right and all my embies sucked.
DH and I have been talking, and "we" are done after this time. For a few years at least. I don´t want any more drugs, any more waiting, any more feeling sick, and nuts, and putting everything else on hold for a baby that doesn´t come. I´m selling all of our baby stuff and moving on with our lives.
I´ll probably start pushing for another IVF in a couple of years or so, when we can afford it in the US, locally. DH is done. He´s scared of all the drugs and cancer...and done with my crazy emotions.
So, I will be liberated in a about 2 and a half weeks. Wish me luck!

Monday, August 30, 2010

5 more days!

My drug regimen is going as planned...almost...I was supposed to get my period 2 days after I finished my 10 days of and it took 6. It freaked me out, but it´s here. Done freaking out.
I stared Es.trogen to thicken my lining today. One a day till CD 5 when I go to 2 a day, and on CD 8 I start 3 a day till the FET. I have done 2 10-day cycles of pro.gesterne (=HELL), one Decapep.tyl dep.ot shot in the butt (administered by my self, to my self, to my butt), and 2 periods, and 2 ovulatory cycles and now es.trogen. I am very impressed. I can do it all.
On the other side, I am suffering...I don´t know if this suffering is comparable with OHSS that I had is just taking so darn long!! I have THE WORST hot flashes ever, worse than when I took clo.mid. Really bad cramps, constantly. Horrible mood swings...I can´t believe that my hubby is still here, next to me, instead of divorcing me!!.
I am very anxious. Right now, Im worried that I will be too stressed out at the time of the FET, and loose the babie(s). I cannot control my all. Any suggestions? the one or two that still read my blog??
The other day, I went out with a friend and we watched EA.t, Pr.ay, It was a good movie. It helped me focus a bit on the possibility of a BFN. I have to be ok if I get a BFN. I have a lot in my life as it is. I am so happy, and so ready to finish this hormonal chapter of my life. I will sell of the baby stuff that I have, make room in the garage and have more money to ourselves.
Other times though, I fantasize of twin boys. I don´t know why they have to be boys, but they always are. I want my life to be a disaster because I have twins, I want to cry in fustration because I have twins. I do I do I do. Then, I think of ALL the things that have to go right to get there and I stop the fantasy.
In the bottom of my heart I know it won´t work. How could it? This is too hard. Maybe in a few years we can try again. I am done now. Its taking a huge toll on our lives, it´s not fair to my husband or my daughter. She still says that she doesn´t want me to go to the doctor anymore.
So sad.
There it is. 5 days till I go to Spain, and 7 till net monday when I start my love-hate relationship with the stirrups and the ultrasound machine. Give me a baby, but I hate you!!
Wish me luck!!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

how else is she going to learn!?

I am home alone (well, with the gordi) and my husband got me Se.x and the city 2 so i wouldn´t be bored...Samanthat said "how else is she going to learn?" and made a very ackward situation even worse when her age came up. Well, same here, we´ve got to make our point and teach all those people that keep asking the stupidest questions like: "When are you going to have a baby?, or you should get started soon! or, when are you going to give your daughter a little brother or sister??" I wil always tell the truth and make a very ackward scene, but that way, they will learn, and never take pregnancies for granted. so help me God.

Also, Gordi turned 3 on the 26th. So sad for me...she finally gave up her pacis and got a big girl bed. So sad. I was on the verge of tears the entire day.
We celebrated our 8th anniversary yesterday
I turn 28 on the 26th
Gordi starts school tomorrow
My DH turns 32 on the 24th
I leave for Spain in 17 days
I get my decapept.yl shot on friday
I am on day 4 of pro.gesterone and is kicking my butt again! Worse.thing.ever.

Not that I´m counting...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Alejandro, Alejandro...ale ale jandroooo....

Have you heard that song?? I think is lady´s...
Well, that is the name I want for my son. If I ever have one. It makes me tear up every time I hear it...and I hear it often....
Also, I absolutely LOVE my daughter. She´s getting cuter and cuter by the second. Talking like an adult almost. I just want a million of her around the house to fill us up with love, pride and joy. She makes me incredibly happy. to the point that I tear up as well...all the time.

I can guess I´m very emotional. I don´t know why because I won´t start on hormones till saturday.

I got my Lupr.on De.pot today. It took 4 days from India. We got it through a Canadian Pharmacy, but it came from India. Very efficient, I must say.

I´m all set. 3 and half weeks and I´ll be in Spain getting monitored for the FET. can´t wait!

One more question: The shot. It says that I can inject it Intramuscularly or subcutaneously...I rather subq, in the belly, but I thought it was an IM shot...what should I do? I can do the belly, I might need somebody to give me the shot in the butt...
The name is Deca.peptyl de.pot, not L D.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Can´t trust myself anymore..

Today I was talking with a friend, and I realized how crazy I am.
This friend has 3 children of her own, and has been pregnant and delivered 5 times. She was a surrogate twice, for the same couple.
We were talking about the outrageous amounts of money that we IFers have to pay to go through hell during our IVF cycles. I feel like she understands more of it because she had to do 3 cycles with this couple, and shots and all that jazz.
She told me that they spent around $100,000. Her fees were $25,000 each time.

So I started thinking...I could be a surrogate...I could make $25K and use it towards my own cycle...

Am I crazy or what?!?!.

Also, I read the trial info on LFCA and I went crazy...I looked for it, checked to see if they offered it in Florida (nope)...I remembered that a friend from college suffering from secondary infertility as well, lives in PA. So I emailed her the info. Then, I called the clinic here that has most trails for IVF and PCOS and nothing, no trials now or in the near future.
Then, I went on day dreaming about it...maybe I can move in with my friend for a month and do the trial with her...we could be IVF each other w the kiddos....YEAH RIGHT!
Completely NUTS. I AM NUTS!!

AND this is a month before I do my FET. I have ZERO confidence that it´s going to work. Somehow I still feel that there´s a baby in the future for us, but not this time around. After this FET I still have another fresh round free in Spain (they give each patient 3 chances).

I feel that all this progesterone and hormones in general, are turning me into a psycho. Will I ever recover? will I ever stop this TTC crap?

I do not want to start progesterone again on sat. And I do not want to get that Lu.pron De.pot shot on the daughter´s first day of school....

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The back up p.lan


I´m watching this stupid movie and I´m so pissed off...sooooo mad. So JLo here hets inseminated and pregnant the 1st try, AND she gets twins. (Which i´m sure it´s what happened in real life for her). Anyways, when does that happen??

Why can´t things happen like that for us. We try so hard...we go through so much...I just finished Pro.metrium and I´m so emotional. I´ve cried 3 times today already. The worst part is that I have no doubt that it won´t work. I just can´t imagine doing another fresh cycle, and spending another 2+ months away from my husband, and surgery, and pain, and OHSS, and hell.

I want this over with. I want it away from my head. and my heart. Please, go away!!

OF COURSE.she gets pregnant again, without trying at the end...nice ending...sorry for spoiling a crappy movie...

Friday, July 23, 2010


Lately, I´ve been thinking a lot about what infertility means to us. I think all of us have after reading the article on SELF magazine. I think the article was fantastic. It really portrayed a variety of examples of infertility and exhorted ALL to DO something to change the status quo.

I have sent the article to a couple of friends. One of them is an IFer herself, a quiet one, no one knows about it...and the other was a surrogate twice for a couple that couldn´t carry their own babies. The second knows a bit about IVF since she had to go trhough some of it. The first just knows.

I don´t know what else to do. Whenever I am asked THE question: "So, when are you guys going to have a second child??"..huh???...I always answer truthfully..."We can´t have any more kids...right now. We just did an IVF cycle and it failed. We will do it again in September". Whoever asks feels aweful, I guess. I try to make it less ackward, saying stuff like "At least we have gordi..she´s a handful! ha ha". I just can´t lie without tearing up or feeling aweful myself.

Sould I post the article on my facebook page? Most people know what we are going through...I think. I don´t want any more pity...I guess that´s what it is..everybody feels bad for us. It´s pityful. What else can I do? I don´t know anybody infuential or that´s is going to go the extra mile to help the cause..

Anyways...We IFers are sure different creatures. We see our children or other children in a different light. We are always kept "beyond joy" little cowgirl says. There´s always something IF-related in our minds..constantly.

Do we ever recover? When? When we have children? What if we never have children, or more children (as it is in my case...I´m one of the lucky ones)?? Will I feel this way in 10 years, 20?

For now, I am loving Pro.metrium because I´m so busy that I haven´t felt many side-effects lately, AND it means I´m very close to my next FET.
Wish me luck!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I hate Pro.metrium...

I´m now on day 2 of Pro.metrium. I´ve had nausea, emotional bursts, hot flashes, and exhaustion. It usually takes me a few more days to feel sick...This time I´m using the US type of Progesterone instead of Spain´s.
I have a few concerns this time around. I´m finally pretty much normal...yes..I said normal. Not many signs of PCOS lately. I actually Ovulated this month! I know..I´m so proud of my ovaries. I´ve been thinking that maybe I shouldn´t drink any soy milk anymore (I changed to almond milk a month ago or so). So, I don´t know how, but after taking that Dian.e 35 for 1 month, my body is back to normal. No more acne, a little hair loss, and ovulation!!

I talked to Dr.Moron and told him that I was ovulating, and he said that Pro.metrium wouldn´t hurt a baby, if I conceived naturally. I hope not. I´m also trying to follow the rules after IVF transfers...almost all at least. We´ve been having crazy sex lately.

So my plan now is to wait for my next period, and start Pro.metrium again on CD 16 until CD 26 and on CD 22 get the lu.pron de.pot shot. On CD day 2 start the estrogen and transfer on CD 18 of the next cycle.

I haven´t ovulated on my own in so long, that I don´t want to start more hormone treatments and get back on the crazy PCOS mode again...I guess BCP will be my friend again after the FET if it doesn´t work.

Also, Gordi is on her 2nd week of swimming lessons. The first week, she cried the whole time and now she loves it! Finally. i almost cried yesterday when she started crying...thanks pro.metrium...ugh....

Friday, July 16, 2010

HELP! I need drugs!

I can stay home a little longer, and away a little less if I can get some Lupron Depot 3.75 mg.
The Dr. here won´t prescribe it because he doesn´t want to be responsible. My doctor in Spain could care less and he says that I can get the shot here and get to Spain 10 days before the transfer so I can get the lining checked, and get things ready for the FET. So instead of leaving August 17th, I can leave September 1st and spend my and my husband´s birthdays together.

Does anybody have Lupron Depot 3.75 mg? I will pay for it. I can find it online for $165 or so. If anyone needs to get rid of it, contact me. I really need Decapeptyl, or triptorelin 3.75mg, but Lupron Depot is used more here in the US.


Tuesday, July 13, 2010


I can´t belive it but I am so frustrated right right now, that I am eating a PB&J sandwich. I am trying to get rid of all the sugary snacks in the house, and when I get like this, I just NEED something sweet...I never eat PB&J´s...I didn´t grow up with them, and sorry, that mix is weird! but yummy...

The reason is this whole process between countries...My Doctor in Spain faxed me the protocol for the FET YESTERDAY and he wants me to start on progesterone on SATURDAY. I don´t have progesterone pills! How am I suppossed to get them! So I called my RE here, he can get that for me, hopefully on time. Then, my Dr in Spain also wants me to start Lupron depot next am I going to get that! After a million calls and messages, the RE called me back and told me he can´t prescribe it because he can´t be responsible for it..understandable..but sucks!

After a bit of thinking, I came to the conclusion that it´s ok if Gordi misses the first 2-3 weeks of school and we go to Spain in August. I will get the lupron depot shot, then wait, get the transfer done and leave. I´ll do the Beta here. No biggy. Some thing gotta give I guess. I need to get it done in September, I can´t wait anymore. DH is coming a few days after us so we can go to my dad´s beach house in Marbella (Woo Hoo!!) and then take my daughter with him so I can get the transfer done on my own. Hopefull my MIL will help him out a bit.

Plan B??? I guess we can go back to Spain and do it again around X-mas or next summer...i just hope this is it. I don´t know how much more I can take. It has been very very difficult to overcome the last failed IVF cycle. We put so much into hard. When do we stop all this madness?? We IFers are really crazy to do cycles over and over..

Wish me luck!! Meds start again on Friday!!

Friday, July 9, 2010

September it is

That is when the FET will take place. I am waiting for a fax with all the instructions from Dr Moron. I called him last week and he said I could get the meds sent to me and the cycle started here so I don´t have to be there for so long. This time around I won´t have any shots to do (!!!) and it shoud be fairly easy.
So I will get the day to day schedule by fax today. He mentioned progesterone pills for 10 day to bring about AF and then some kind of antagonist I will be in good shape for the begining of September to do the Frozen transfer.

Now, I need 2 miracles.
1) The embies thaw well, and I can transfer at least one. I´m hoping for 3...
2)I get pregnant (duh!!)

I´m going to call around and find a cheap acupuncturist. The one I went to was $85. That´s way too much for me...Is that price normal?? My SIL says no, but...this is a different area...

I´m nervous again! That means I´m ready, right?

Fingers crossed!!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

2 posts in one day

I was so upset this morning, that my husband started to look into the whole clinical trial world. We found a lot of trials going on in our area. Not many dealing with PCOS, but with IVF in general.

What do you all think of it? Is is worth it?


This is the website:

I need some star.bucks!

The Dr. emailed me back this morning and they´re not enrolling anybody for any trial at this point. I can´t really beg anymore for that and ask if maybe in the future..I just can´t. I´m so...sad. It plainly sucks. Nothing is working on this crap!. I´m already overly stressed with my master´s and I just want to go back to Spain to get the FET out of the way.

I can´t even sit and watch Sesame street with Gordi now..I can´t stop cleaning and prepping for more family this weekend. I´m also tired of all them coming every weekend. I clean all the time now. I feel like their maid. I´m tired and I have no energy or strength to do anything...and Dh leaves tomorrow for 2 days for work...I need some star.bucks!!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Clinical Trial FOR ME!

I went to see the RE yesterday. It was almost like a WTF visit, even though I didn't do the cycle at his clinic. He was great, as always. He explained to me that I have the 2 most important factors going for me: Age and number/quality of eggs. Since I produced so many and 5 made it to day 5, he thinks we didn't get pregnant because of chance (40/60). But he's very hopeful for the FET in September. He even said that I should try another fresh cycle if the FEt doesn't work, because he thinks we are THAT close.
It definitely was a relief....after all the negativity from my RE in Spain.

E2 levels: He's guessing that since I had so many follies, a lot of them were immature, so my E2 levels didn't go as high as they should have. BUT, since my embryos made it to day 5, the quality is not compromised. So, no worries there.

Back to the title: FREE TRIAL! I (jokingly) asked him if they were doing any trials and that I would volunteer just so that I don't have to go back to Spain for 3 months to do another fresh cycle...and he said "well, actually, we are running a trial for women with PCOS. You are actually the perfect candidate". WHAAAAAT!!!!!
I know, I know. I AM FREAKING OUT! I don't want to get my hopes up though. He was going to meet with the colleague that will run the trial and mention me. I have to email him next week. He also said that they don't have any patients in line (I would be the 1st one) and that I am the perfect candidate. Also, that it would cost me as much as a plane ticket to Spain..about $1,000. WOW. I still can't believe it. We'll see what happens.
The trial consists on preventing women with PCOS from hyperstimulating. They retrieve the eggs a few days earlier than usual and then grow them in the lab a little longer than they would in a normal person. (Yes, I am not normal). Also, the do a very gentle a slow stimulation. It has a name..ivsomething. Not IVF, obviously,...Does anybody know about this procedure?? The nurse knew when I told her.

We also discussed dealing with PCOS without BCP, and he said no way. Maybe acupuncture, maybe met.formin...but the best would be BCP. I told him that Diane-35 made me sick and he said that I should try it again because it is the best one for PCOS, and that it's not sold in the US...really?? that makes me uncomfortable. If it's not sold, it's because it's dangerous, right? oh well.
I'm not taking anything now because of the FET in September or the Trial soon. I might have to postpone the FET if I get accepted in the trial.

AND, I just started my Masters degree!!! YEY!! I'm so excited. I really needed a break from all the TTC crap.

Now, on to finishing off my homework...

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I'm still here

I am sorry for not writing more often, but it has been really hard. I'm grateful for mi mind to stay sane though...I think I have evolved somehow instead of staying insane. First, it was impossible to even look at the blog and all of your updates...then, I started looking to one or two blogs' updates (just the titles), after that I started reading a few...I still can't comment...I have nothing to say, because it's all negativity and I don't want to be negative when the person on the other side is all excited and happy.
For now, I can read and surprisingly, write.
Not much had changed in the IVF front. Still infertile, still mad at the world for it, and with nothing to look forward to...well, almost nothing. DH (FINALLY) came to the conclusion that (wait for it....wait for it...) it would be great if gordi could have a sibling that was close in age to her...FINALLY! that's what I've been telling him for about a year or more. So, instead of forgetting about our 3 frozen embies, he concluded that we should do the FET in September when the clinics are open after their (2 month) summer vacation. So, now that he agrees with me, we can move on with it. After 8 years of marriage (August 16th), I understand how his mind works, and that I need patience because we are on the same boat and he will come around.
So, now that we are almost broke (NO $$), we need to plan a vacation to Spain in September so Dh can come with gordi and me and use some of this time to spend at my dad's beach house. The whole IF sucks! we are wasting so much money! of course, if it wouldn't be a waste at all.
Anyways...I just found out that a RL friend has unexplained IF. She's very religious so I expected her to have 4 or 5 kids by now, but only has one, so I just confronted her (via FB, of course, not in person) and she explained. At least I'm not the only one..I'm sorry for her, but I feel that I have a RL buddy now. She's using a proge.sterone cream...never heard of that...I hope it works for her.
I just ordered saw palmetto and beta-sitosterol and a multivitamin. I stopped the BCP, because even though it was working miracles with my skin (acne) and hair, it was giving me the worst headaches (probably migranes) and I was so tired and I'm going natural now...we'll see how long I last.
We're heading to the pool or pump it up..either one...I'm waiting for gordi to make a decision. I'll writo more soon, because i have some other issues to bring up.
I promise I will write soon. And good luck to those starting new cycles!!!!

Thursday, May 13, 2010


I'm baaack! Ha!
It has been really hard to check Lost and Found with all the updates, and follow my blog-friends lately...I'm happy for the mamma's to-be, but I hate reading all the stories and think of the what-if's..

Our plan, for now, is to chill. Easier said than done, right? DH doesn't want any more IVF's done for now. Reasons? many, but mainly $$. He doesn't want me to go back to Spain to do the FET just yet. He missed us too maybe, next year, while we vacation at my dad's house in Marbella (beach).
We can't afford a cycle here. BUT. DH is looking for another job. We have some prospects lined up. One of them in Argentina, YES!, how cool would that be?? Also, $1,500 a cycle...

It is hard to chill when I can't get it off my stupid head.

On another note, I finished my last menstrual cycle using 1 pill of progesterone at nigh for the last 10 days to make sure that I had a period on day 28. I did. Now, I'm on BCP, one that targets PCOS problems, mainly andorgen-related, like mine. It's been hell. Headaches, dizziness, heart racing, and nausea, and I think I can include moodiness. I'm better today at CD 7. Finally.
I hate all these hormones in my body, and what they do to me, so I called my good friend. She's RAW, green, vegan, mother-nature-like woman. She suggested Chinese herbs and acupuncture. I found this site. I called. I'm waiting for a call back. My question is: Should I quit the BCP and fully trust the natural approach to help with PCOS? Should I do the FET while I'm on the pill for the next 2-3 months and then, try the natural approach? Has anybody with PCOS tried this approach? Does it work?

I wish things were easier.

Oh! and my SIL is TTC...great! another pregnancy announcement soon...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

What's new..

I'm back in Florida. FINALLY!. I am over doing the "sun exposure obsession" lately, but it feels sooo good. I think it's giving me strengh to get back to my life, and be happy at the same time.

We have been at the beach and the pool once and to the park 5 times in less than a week. And it rained almost all weekend!. Gordi is loving her house, her toys (she treats them as new toys!), ans her new playgroung that daddy put together for her. The first thing she said was "mi parque??" (translation: My park??). It was really cute.

On the IF front...nothing new..almost. I just spoke with the embriologyst and he said that I can wait as long as I need to transfer the 3 frozen embies. He says that the whole Estrogen issue that Dr. Moron was referring to is BS. He says that if they made it to day 5 is because they're great. Now, I'm growing a bit of hope for those 3 embies, AND I know that I can survive as a family of 3. I truly love my little family. I've done everything in my power to make it bigger, so I'm at peace with the failed IVF cycle.

What now? Dr. Moron told me to start Progesterone pills vaginally from day 15 to 25 of my cycle and then, when AF arrives, start on the BCP until I do the transfer. Hopefully, that will help with the unwanted hair, the wanted hair and the acne. I using massive amounts of Retin-A for that too...I love it!.

Let the HOPE grow for me and my fellow bloggie friends! We need it!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

lots of things to say..don´t really know how...

So I went to the Dr. Right before, in the morning I took a HPT and negative again. So I told him. He said it was still early but still sent me downstairs to get a urine test and a beta...don´t ask me why..
After that I came back upstairs and talked to him. He went on and on and on about the HUGE favor he´s doing us (no favors here..he OWED my dad, so he felt obligated..). And that everybody was a bit uncomfortable because of me being so special that he had to supervise every u/s and all that, and that I just couldn´t keep pushing him because of my flights. I have my returning flight on wednesday, which gives us enough time to test and know and leave. BUT he wants me to hang around because...then the HELL started. He went on to fully explain every single thing that could go wrong (he even made some up)...severe OHSS (really? at this point?), severe bleeding, abortion (miscarriage)...then he said: your E2 levels were really off. Your estrogen is messed up because of your PCOS so your egg quality is very poor. I´m 100% sure that this will be an early´ll get your period but the embryos will have implanted already...and you´ll loose them.
Who says that to somebody who´s waiting on Beta results??? He´s the biggest ASS in the world.
He went on to say because of my Estradiol (Estrogen) levels he told us to transfer 2 embies...because a person like me CAN get pregnant and he would have recommended only 1 if it wasn´t for my E2 he knew at the time of transfer that this was not going to end in a pregnancy.

what else...

I don´t know..

In conclusion: I´m left with the question: Are my frozen embies poor quality too? Should I listen to what he´s saying? because I think he's trying to cover his behind and make sure he blames me enough that we can't blame him at all.
Should I feel responsible for having the worst ovaries in the world? I know I shouldn't, but I kinda do..
Can I really, ever, do this again..even if it's a FET?
How can I leave happy knowing that my daughter is going to be an only child and that I won't be able to grow a baby, and nurse, a baby and care and love somebody so much it hurts??
I feel almost as hurt as when I lost baby#2..I have that hole in my heart again...and I have no hope whatsoever.
How could I ever get pregnant 3 years ago? Can my ovaries ever work normal again?

On the outside, I'm left with a pouch-like belly, lots of acne, hair in my chin (Yikes, I know..)and no baby.
On the inside, a big black hole.

Will I ever stop crying when I go to the park and I see pregnant ladies and babies? (which happens every day, sometimes twice a day)

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Dr. Moron tomorrow

We called him and told him that I have my flight next wednesday, and he said to go and see him tomorrow morning. We´ll see what he´s got to say...he´ll probably yell at me some more about leaving without and u/s or something. Whatever, I´m outta here. I need to be home ASAP.
My hubby is looking into moving the flight even earlier.

I hope he tells me to get Beta done soon. I´ve been reading and there are a lot of articles about testing 14 days after the transfer for a HPT, and false positives and negatives with all the IVF hormones. My hormones are always messed up, so it´s giving me a bit of hope. BUT, I´ve already written down (in an email to my husband) my plans for next year. I´m going to start working as soon as gordi starts school. I´ll sub for a year, then I´ll get back to teaching full time. Hopefully I can get my M.A somewhere in between so I can teach in Community colleges or Universities. I really hate the public system (high school)..that´s why gordi is going to private school now, and forever it seems, since she´s going to be an only child..

I´ll keep you all posted.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Are we out of luck?

Or maybe, this is the worst quarter of the year to conceive/stay pregnant???

I´ve been intensely following Stirrup Queens since october of 2009 or so. They way I choose who I read or don´t read is based on our commonalities. If we have PCOS or MF, I´ve probably read your story. I feel closer to people that are more like me, or have similar issues. For a while I thought I had endometriosis, so I read lots of blogs dealing with that as well.

Lately, I´ve been following a few fellow bloggers pretty close. I was exstatic to find out about Krista and Claire´s pregancies. Only to find out that both lost their babies. Claire just found out, so please go give her support now. I remember what that was like and I don´t wish it to my worst enemy.

Also, a few of us were going through our first IVF cycle and were supporting each other through the 2ww. Amy and Amanda just found out that their cycle was negative. I don´t think mine worked either. I know I tested way too early for the HPT I have, but I just don´t feel it anymore...

What the heck!! Are we out of luck or what?? All this hell for nothing? AND I just saw an ad on my facebook page that announces: "Have a baby, get $10,000". WHAT!. A scholarship or some crap like that. Some people actually will get pregnant to get the cash and go to school. So many people get pregnant and have abortions..and we have to pay thousdands of dollars to do IVF or adopt. What is going on? Where is our fairytale ending??


It was negative. All this for nothing.

What am I thinking right now? Well...I´m looking for excuses. I used a very crapy HPT that I brough from the US. I didn´t bring the box, but now that I think about it, it probably won´t read early. I´m testing about 4-5 days early. I´m goign to get a good one that reads early results at the pharmacy and check again tomorrow. If that one is negative, then I´m done.

I really thought it was going to be positive.

I need to get ready for the worst. I need a Plan. I will talk with the RE to see what we can do now, and then my husband. He doesn´t want to be without us for another month, and I don´t know if I can take this again for nothing. I´ll probably do it, but it´s going to suck again.

I have to do it before school starts in the US because Gordi starts in August and I don´t want her to miss a month because of me being LOCA.


Monday, April 5, 2010

I just can´t wait..

It will happen tomorrow morning. I need to sleep at night!!

Wish me luck!

Sunday, April 4, 2010


I´m going to test on tuesday, NO NO NO, wednesday (7dp5dt) hard to wait!!

You go Amy!!

OMG- I have the worst nausea-feeling ever! (I really don´t want to call it the other possible name)...Whenever I get a bit hungry, I get super Bitchy and I get nauseated if I don´t eat (just like in my 2nd pregnancy). I did have nausea and dizziness from OHSS after retrieval, but now I have it every time I have to eat (every 2-3hrs)...weird!! I´m having a very hard time not believing in this...CRAP!
Could I be having symptoms already??Or are these the tricky hormones from IVF, playing their mind games?

FYI, my OHSS is showing up as a big belly. I swear, I look like I did when I was 4 months pregnant with gordi. It doesn´t hurt much anymore, only some twitches here and there and when I try to sleep on my side. It´s bearable and I can walk arould and go out just fine now.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Toddlers and IVF

It cannot be done. They don´t match. At least not mine.

I think the main reason is that she´s not at home, and she sees me sick on the couch all day. I´ve been at home pretty sick until yesterday afternoon - that´s 7 or 8 days. I never thought that I would be this sick from IVF . I realize that OHSS is not that common, and the fact that my husband is not around is not that common either...I´m starting to resent that. He should be here with me through this. Not just the procedures, but the recovery and to help with gordi.

In conclusion, she´s driving me crazy...and I can´t pick her up or even discipline her bc my ovaries hurt when I do it. I´m better today, but I still ended up putting her in time out. I hope she learns or she´ll be in time out a lot today. I can´t deal with her complaining and yelling and misbehaving. I just don´t have energy to have patiente.

The lack of sleep doesn´t help either. Aren´t we supposed to have a restful time during the 2ww? I have to put the Progesterone suppositories in every 8 hrs. And she doesn´t take naps and I also pee every 3 hrs because of OHSS...that gives me 6 to 8 hrs a night in 3 stretches...lucky me. All this is going to make it so that I don´t get pregnant after all this hell...

I started to think about that. What if it doesn´t work after all...I have a new feeling of accomplishment in me. I feel like I´ve achieved so much, when I was sooo afraid of all this (first needles, then surgery, then OHSS and the ER...). I´ve done all I can...even if it doesn´t work. I don´t know how I could do a FET cycle now. I´ve already been away from my husband 2.25 months out of 3 this year. If we do a FET, I´ll have to be here another month somewhere before the summer. Another 2 flights, $2000, another move for my daughter. Another month away from her dad and with a very impatient mom...not fair for anybody.

Well, I think I´m done. We are at 3dp5dt. A few more days and I´ll be done. 10 more days and we go back home to FL. To daddy.

Thursday, April 1, 2010


haha...I´ve wanted to write that for a while now..

Well, transfer day went fine. They told me that the embies divided again that same morning, and were beautiful blasts. They never mentioned the size/grade...I should´ve asked. We were able to freeze 3 not so big ones. So they transfered the biggest and better ones. That should give us a pretty good chance at a pregnancy, right? I hope so.

The whole situation was pretty funny. My dad has been ¨the husband¨ figure at all major (and most) appointments. He was there at retrieval, ER visit, transfer...He felt ackward sometimes... I even had a nurse almost take him to the sperm bank section to do ¨the husband´s¨ job on retrieval day...haha. On transfer day, we met up with a couple that did retrieval the same day...and my dad HAD to explain the fact that he wasn´t a pedophile...just my dad...very ackward...

So, I´m still bloated and pretty unconfortable, but I can move around better. I haven´t left the house since transfer at 1 pm yesterday. I can´t wait to go watch that dragon movie with my daughter and my mom tomorrow...just to get out.

My daughter is learning so much during these weeks here. She´s at her age´s level of Spanish now. She has friends at school and loves going there now. She even got a goddie bag from a birthday girl the other day. WOW! the first one.

I will POAS on tuesday before I go nuts. Thanks for the tip!!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

what should I do?

How long should I stay in bed after the transfer? I´m aiming for a day, but the next day I´ll have to be out and about I think...
What have u done?


Tomorrow is the day.

We are celebrating Holy Week here, so I told my friends that are going to the parades, to pray to all the virgins and Saints for us. So we get lucky tomorrow and we have a baby in 9 months...
Wish me luck!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Day 3 fert report

We still have 9 growing!!!

We could transfer today but the embryologist has decided to wait because they´re growing so well, and we still have so many.

Meds I´ve taken so far: Anti-nausea, sleep aid, tylenol, progesterone and another one to prevent Hyperstimulation, which indeed I have. Mild OHSS. Not much liquid, but a little bit in the lower abdomen. My ovaries are 10 cm each (normally they would be 2cm each)..that´s why I´m feeling all the bloating and pain. PLUS, the Dr. said that the fallopian tubes have moved I feel pressure even when I breathe...

I feel better today though. Hopefully, by wednesday I´m almost back to normal.

BIG NOTE: I applaude all of you that have done this more than once. I don´t think I could do it again. It´s too much, to invasive, and too dangerous.

ANOTHER NOTE: How early can I POAS after a 5 day transfer? I´m thinking next wednesday...

Thank You all for your words of support!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

ER trip

I´m on my way to the ER...great. I hate this. I will never do it again. I just hope it works the first try.
I guess Infertility is not real infertility until you have to go to the ER...

OHSS and embies report

What do you want first, good or bad news??

GOOD: We still have 9 dividing in the lab. They´re still aiming for a 5 day transfer.

BAD: OHSS. One evil evil thing...My mom thinks it´s gas because my belly has grown to a 5 month old preggo belly...but I keep telling her it´s OHSS..I have nausea, shortness of breath, pain and swelling of the belly...I´m tired all the time and it hurts so bad...We called Dr. Moron but his phone was off. So we left a message. Hopefully he´ll call us soon. I don´t know the degree of it, but I feel like I´m dying. How can I possibly carry a baby like this!

OHSS go away!!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Fert report so far

Retrieval went as exoected. Scary, as all surgeries, but pretty successful. They took 25 follies. 15 were mature to fertilize. The embriologist said that 10 were great and 5 had some think corpus something, but he did ICSI to all of them anyways. He called me this morning (24 hrs later) and said that 11 are still going strong, and that he believes we´ll be able to do a 5 day transfer on wednesday.

I feel like crap. Really bloated and in pain. I´m taking tylenol and resting. Surprisingly, my daughter did great without me for almost 2 days. I´m just so tired and hurting...They gave me progesterone pills (that i will use vaginally after the transfer) and something to prevent OHSS.

I can´t wait for this to be over. I feel so sick..

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Fingers crossed!

I´m ready for tomorrow ( as ready as I can be). I already did the enema they asked for (HELL). Now I just felt like posting ¨Off to be. I hope tomorrow I am a size smaller and a step closer¨on FB, so I did. I haven´t told many people about our IVF ride. Only people that I see frequently. I just feel soooo like crap. This really is hard. The enema took me for a ride...holy cow...that was one of the worst experiences. Almost as bad as the miscariage. Really bad cramps.

And I´m on for 8:30 am. Keep your fingers crossed. I´m aiming for 6 mature good looking eggs retrieved tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Here we go!

Retrieval is scheduled for friday. My E2 was at a little over 1,000. Not much. The Dr. said that it didn´t match with what he saw in the u/s...Still, I will trigger tonight and surgery on friday.

I feel much better today. I was so miserable yesterday. I had the worst pain I´ve ever had in my lower abdomen. Thankfully, it went away at 5 pm, right before my daughter decided to wash my Ipod touch and break it forever, and then hit her eye with the corner on a wood table and start bleeding...what a day!! I´m gald it´s over and I feel better today.

Can I take Ibupro.fen now? My Dr said that I can take whatever I want, but my aunt (who´s been cycling for 2 years) said that they don´t let her. Only Tylenol. ??? help???

I know I´m relying way too much on the blogosphere...but I have no choice. I can´t really contact my doctors unless I´m dying and I don´t know many people in my same situation. (My aunt is 40 and with a totally different protocol, plus, she is really jealous that I get to do this when I already have a child).
I hope I can get some answers from you all...

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


Yes, I am dolorida (in pain).

I just got back from the u/s and HOLY COW, it hurt. My ovaries are going nuts. I guess, due to my PCOS, my right ovary is producing 25+ follies. Only about 5 are over 16 mm. The rest are too small. The Dr. told me that they only categorize 18mm follies as mature. BUT my ovaries are too full, too big. The left side is quite behind. It has lots of small ones and 3 or 4 at 16mm and more. They want me to come back in 3 hrs to see what we do when they get the E2 levels.

So all my joy just went down the drain. I thought I was in great´s not looking so great because not many are maturing. If my E2 levels are too high, we have to trigger soon and that means that the smaller follicles won´t have enough time to grow to maturity...awesome! So, it looks like Dr. Moron was right and this protocol is not going to give us a lot to work with.

We only need ONE good one. One embie, one baby. Only one. Please, only one....and maybe two more to freeze so I don´t have to do this again. Please.

Monday, March 22, 2010


I have a few quesstions that some of you may be able to help me with:
1. How can I make the bloating more comfortable? I feel like a balloon!
2. Any ideas to make the bedrest after retrieval and transfer easier (healthwise). I have read about gatorade after surgery...Should I stay away from my toddler for more than a day? She´s really attached to me...
3. How long do I need to be resting after retrieval and transfer? I´m having a hard time finding people to take my daughter for 4 days...Do I need 2 full days after each one?
4.Can they fertilize 10mm follies? I´ve been told that they won´t even retrieve them if they´re not 10 mm. Has anybody heard of 10-15 mm follies make it to baby??

SO FAR I have TONS of follies. As of yesterday I have about 18 in each side (that´s counting some that were 10mm). The right ovary is carrying the biggest load. The follies are more mature there. Some 18 mm, 16 mm,15 mm...and 5 or 6 that are at 10mm. The left ovary has one that´s 15mm and some more that were between 10 and 12 mm. and another 5 or 6 that were 10mm.
I left the hospital feeling very optimistic. Now, thinking back (and trying to convince myself that it´s not going to work), I´m a little worried about those that were 12 and 10 mm. Dr. Moron said that we were going to get less follies with this protocol...I don´t think that I can handle more bloating!...I look like I´m 5 months pregnant!! I´ve only gained 1.5 kgs...I guess that´s good. How many more follies can a woman make? Really? what´s the max? My E2 was at 570 on thursday. They´ll check it again tomorrow. Lining at 10. Is that good??

I know I said that I wasn´t going to research anything, or analize the results or drugs, and that I was going to trust them....but....I just need to know!! Are these good results or not?

On another note, my husband did AWESOME!. His first SA, he had 5-10 million! with 70% mobility! We´ve never gotten results that high...never in 5 years!. We were all so proud. The second and 3rd were his usual few non motile. The embriologyst said that with we have enough with the first sample. By the way, they froze all 3 samples. I´m trying not to stay positive, but I think all these are good news.

I´ll know for sure tomorrow, but most likely, retrieval will be on friday. I guess we´ll trigger thursday night? We´ll see.
I can´t wait to get the show on the road!!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Good things

Lately, I have been thinking that my blog is very negative. I just vent about things that I don´t like, or things that go wrong. Obviously, in the IVF world, we find most things going wrong, but still...My life is great.

I love my husband so much. He´s been here, in Spain, for a week. We have done lots of fun things..including a mini vacay to Santander that was just perfect. I have no stress thanks to him right now. He leaves on monday though, and retrieval should be around wednesday. He´s not going to be here to help out with my bedrest, which means that gordi will have to stay with her uncle and my cousin (who she loves). I hope she doesn´t go crazy when I´m not there.

They told me to start another hormone shot on thursday. It´s called Cetrotide. Not a lot of fun. The needle is longer and I have to give the shot at a 45 degree angle...I´m not good at math, ok?? DH kept laughing at me for not being able to figure it out...whatever. It hurts, and I have to push too hard, and I´m afraid that I´m going to push too too hard and it´s going to hurt even more. I´ve decided that I´m going to do all my shots because I can´t rely on anybody being here at 8 pm. everyday. I´m almost running out of space in my belly!! Can I give them in my thigh??

I have another u/s tomorrow (sunday) at 9:30 am to check the follies. On thursday I had many (around 20 on right side and 12 on left) but most were under 10. The right has the worst PCOS presentation, so I have tons of follies around the ovary that are too small. They saw 4 or 5 that were between 12 and 14. The left only had one that was 12. So they added the 2nd shot. We´ll see tomorrow. I feel a lot more bloated and uncomfortable, and I´m getting sharp pain on my right bad cramps. I am guessing it´s normal. They didn´t tell me my E2 over the phone. I´ll ask tomorrow.

One question: Does my lifestyle NOW affect my future embryos? I mean, can I drink and have coffee now? or will it affect my embryos a week from now. I´m growing the eggs right now, so it should affect them...but my Dr. said that I could do whatever I wanted until transfer day. I also have a cold. I want to start antibiotics now, so I don´t feel like crap afterwards, when I can´t take anything...should I? I´ll ask the Dr that one too, again...

I will try to be more positive from now on. AND I will post a pic soon..well, as soon as this crappy computer decides to read my SD card!