Monday, August 30, 2010

5 more days!

My drug regimen is going as planned...almost...I was supposed to get my period 2 days after I finished my 10 days of and it took 6. It freaked me out, but it´s here. Done freaking out.
I stared Es.trogen to thicken my lining today. One a day till CD 5 when I go to 2 a day, and on CD 8 I start 3 a day till the FET. I have done 2 10-day cycles of pro.gesterne (=HELL), one Decapep.tyl dep.ot shot in the butt (administered by my self, to my self, to my butt), and 2 periods, and 2 ovulatory cycles and now es.trogen. I am very impressed. I can do it all.
On the other side, I am suffering...I don´t know if this suffering is comparable with OHSS that I had is just taking so darn long!! I have THE WORST hot flashes ever, worse than when I took clo.mid. Really bad cramps, constantly. Horrible mood swings...I can´t believe that my hubby is still here, next to me, instead of divorcing me!!.
I am very anxious. Right now, Im worried that I will be too stressed out at the time of the FET, and loose the babie(s). I cannot control my all. Any suggestions? the one or two that still read my blog??
The other day, I went out with a friend and we watched EA.t, Pr.ay, It was a good movie. It helped me focus a bit on the possibility of a BFN. I have to be ok if I get a BFN. I have a lot in my life as it is. I am so happy, and so ready to finish this hormonal chapter of my life. I will sell of the baby stuff that I have, make room in the garage and have more money to ourselves.
Other times though, I fantasize of twin boys. I don´t know why they have to be boys, but they always are. I want my life to be a disaster because I have twins, I want to cry in fustration because I have twins. I do I do I do. Then, I think of ALL the things that have to go right to get there and I stop the fantasy.
In the bottom of my heart I know it won´t work. How could it? This is too hard. Maybe in a few years we can try again. I am done now. Its taking a huge toll on our lives, it´s not fair to my husband or my daughter. She still says that she doesn´t want me to go to the doctor anymore.
So sad.
There it is. 5 days till I go to Spain, and 7 till net monday when I start my love-hate relationship with the stirrups and the ultrasound machine. Give me a baby, but I hate you!!
Wish me luck!!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

how else is she going to learn!?

I am home alone (well, with the gordi) and my husband got me Se.x and the city 2 so i wouldn´t be bored...Samanthat said "how else is she going to learn?" and made a very ackward situation even worse when her age came up. Well, same here, we´ve got to make our point and teach all those people that keep asking the stupidest questions like: "When are you going to have a baby?, or you should get started soon! or, when are you going to give your daughter a little brother or sister??" I wil always tell the truth and make a very ackward scene, but that way, they will learn, and never take pregnancies for granted. so help me God.

Also, Gordi turned 3 on the 26th. So sad for me...she finally gave up her pacis and got a big girl bed. So sad. I was on the verge of tears the entire day.
We celebrated our 8th anniversary yesterday
I turn 28 on the 26th
Gordi starts school tomorrow
My DH turns 32 on the 24th
I leave for Spain in 17 days
I get my decapept.yl shot on friday
I am on day 4 of pro.gesterone and is kicking my butt again! Worse.thing.ever.

Not that I´m counting...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Alejandro, Alejandro...ale ale jandroooo....

Have you heard that song?? I think is lady´s...
Well, that is the name I want for my son. If I ever have one. It makes me tear up every time I hear it...and I hear it often....
Also, I absolutely LOVE my daughter. She´s getting cuter and cuter by the second. Talking like an adult almost. I just want a million of her around the house to fill us up with love, pride and joy. She makes me incredibly happy. to the point that I tear up as well...all the time.

I can guess I´m very emotional. I don´t know why because I won´t start on hormones till saturday.

I got my Lupr.on De.pot today. It took 4 days from India. We got it through a Canadian Pharmacy, but it came from India. Very efficient, I must say.

I´m all set. 3 and half weeks and I´ll be in Spain getting monitored for the FET. can´t wait!

One more question: The shot. It says that I can inject it Intramuscularly or subcutaneously...I rather subq, in the belly, but I thought it was an IM shot...what should I do? I can do the belly, I might need somebody to give me the shot in the butt...
The name is Deca.peptyl de.pot, not L D.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Can´t trust myself anymore..

Today I was talking with a friend, and I realized how crazy I am.
This friend has 3 children of her own, and has been pregnant and delivered 5 times. She was a surrogate twice, for the same couple.
We were talking about the outrageous amounts of money that we IFers have to pay to go through hell during our IVF cycles. I feel like she understands more of it because she had to do 3 cycles with this couple, and shots and all that jazz.
She told me that they spent around $100,000. Her fees were $25,000 each time.

So I started thinking...I could be a surrogate...I could make $25K and use it towards my own cycle...

Am I crazy or what?!?!.

Also, I read the trial info on LFCA and I went crazy...I looked for it, checked to see if they offered it in Florida (nope)...I remembered that a friend from college suffering from secondary infertility as well, lives in PA. So I emailed her the info. Then, I called the clinic here that has most trails for IVF and PCOS and nothing, no trials now or in the near future.
Then, I went on day dreaming about it...maybe I can move in with my friend for a month and do the trial with her...we could be IVF each other w the kiddos....YEAH RIGHT!
Completely NUTS. I AM NUTS!!

AND this is a month before I do my FET. I have ZERO confidence that it´s going to work. Somehow I still feel that there´s a baby in the future for us, but not this time around. After this FET I still have another fresh round free in Spain (they give each patient 3 chances).

I feel that all this progesterone and hormones in general, are turning me into a psycho. Will I ever recover? will I ever stop this TTC crap?

I do not want to start progesterone again on sat. And I do not want to get that Lu.pron De.pot shot on the daughter´s first day of school....