Tuesday, April 20, 2010

What's new..

I'm back in Florida. FINALLY!. I am over doing the "sun exposure obsession" lately, but it feels sooo good. I think it's giving me strengh to get back to my life, and be happy at the same time.

We have been at the beach and the pool once and to the park 5 times in less than a week. And it rained almost all weekend!. Gordi is loving her house, her toys (she treats them as new toys!), ans her new playgroung that daddy put together for her. The first thing she said was "mi parque??" (translation: My park??). It was really cute.

On the IF front...nothing new..almost. I just spoke with the embriologyst and he said that I can wait as long as I need to transfer the 3 frozen embies. He says that the whole Estrogen issue that Dr. Moron was referring to is BS. He says that if they made it to day 5 is because they're great. Now, I'm growing a bit of hope for those 3 embies, AND I know that I can survive as a family of 3. I truly love my little family. I've done everything in my power to make it bigger, so I'm at peace with the failed IVF cycle.

What now? Dr. Moron told me to start Progesterone pills vaginally from day 15 to 25 of my cycle and then, when AF arrives, start on the BCP until I do the transfer. Hopefully, that will help with the unwanted hair, the wanted hair and the acne. I using massive amounts of Retin-A for that too...I love it!.

Let the HOPE grow for me and my fellow bloggie friends! We need it!

Thursday, April 8, 2010

lots of things to say..don´t really know how...

So I went to the Dr. Right before, in the morning I took a HPT and negative again. So I told him. He said it was still early but still sent me downstairs to get a urine test and a beta...don´t ask me why..
After that I came back upstairs and talked to him. He went on and on and on about the HUGE favor he´s doing us (no favors here..he OWED my dad, so he felt obligated..). And that everybody was a bit uncomfortable because of me being so special that he had to supervise every u/s and all that, and that I just couldn´t keep pushing him because of my flights. I have my returning flight on wednesday, which gives us enough time to test and know and leave. BUT he wants me to hang around because...then the HELL started. He went on to fully explain every single thing that could go wrong (he even made some up)...severe OHSS (really? at this point?), severe bleeding, abortion (miscarriage)...then he said: your E2 levels were really off. Your estrogen is messed up because of your PCOS so your egg quality is very poor. I´m 100% sure that this will be an early miscarriage..you´ll get your period but the embryos will have implanted already...and you´ll loose them.
Who says that to somebody who´s waiting on Beta results??? He´s the biggest ASS in the world.
He went on to say because of my Estradiol (Estrogen) levels he told us to transfer 2 embies...because a person like me CAN get pregnant and he would have recommended only 1 if it wasn´t for my E2 levels...so he knew at the time of transfer that this was not going to end in a pregnancy.

what else...

I don´t know..

In conclusion: I´m left with the question: Are my frozen embies poor quality too? Should I listen to what he´s saying? because I think he's trying to cover his behind and make sure he blames me enough that we can't blame him at all.
Should I feel responsible for having the worst ovaries in the world? I know I shouldn't, but I kinda do..
Can I really, ever, do this again..even if it's a FET?
How can I leave happy knowing that my daughter is going to be an only child and that I won't be able to grow a baby, and nurse, a baby and care and love somebody so much it hurts??
I feel almost as hurt as when I lost baby#2..I have that hole in my heart again...and I have no hope whatsoever.
How could I ever get pregnant 3 years ago? Can my ovaries ever work normal again?

On the outside, I'm left with a pouch-like belly, lots of acne, hair in my chin (Yikes, I know..)and no baby.
On the inside, a big black hole.

Will I ever stop crying when I go to the park and I see pregnant ladies and babies? (which happens every day, sometimes twice a day)

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Dr. Moron tomorrow

We called him and told him that I have my flight next wednesday, and he said to go and see him tomorrow morning. We´ll see what he´s got to say...he´ll probably yell at me some more about leaving without and u/s or something. Whatever, I´m outta here. I need to be home ASAP.
My hubby is looking into moving the flight even earlier.

I hope he tells me to get Beta done soon. I´ve been reading and there are a lot of articles about testing 14 days after the transfer for a HPT, and false positives and negatives with all the IVF hormones. My hormones are always messed up, so it´s giving me a bit of hope. BUT, I´ve already written down (in an email to my husband) my plans for next year. I´m going to start working as soon as gordi starts school. I´ll sub for a year, then I´ll get back to teaching full time. Hopefully I can get my M.A somewhere in between so I can teach in Community colleges or Universities. I really hate the public system (high school)..that´s why gordi is going to private school now, and forever it seems, since she´s going to be an only child..

I´ll keep you all posted.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Are we out of luck?

Or maybe, this is the worst quarter of the year to conceive/stay pregnant???

I´ve been intensely following Stirrup Queens since october of 2009 or so. They way I choose who I read or don´t read is based on our commonalities. If we have PCOS or MF, I´ve probably read your story. I feel closer to people that are more like me, or have similar issues. For a while I thought I had endometriosis, so I read lots of blogs dealing with that as well.

Lately, I´ve been following a few fellow bloggers pretty close. I was exstatic to find out about Krista and Claire´s pregancies. Only to find out that both lost their babies. Claire just found out, so please go give her support now. I remember what that was like and I don´t wish it to my worst enemy.

Also, a few of us were going through our first IVF cycle and were supporting each other through the 2ww. Amy and Amanda just found out that their cycle was negative. I don´t think mine worked either. I know I tested way too early for the HPT I have, but I just don´t feel it anymore...

What the heck!! Are we out of luck or what?? All this hell for nothing? AND I just saw an ad on my facebook page that announces: "Have a baby, get $10,000". WHAT!. A scholarship or some crap like that. Some people actually will get pregnant to get the cash and go to school. So many people get pregnant and have abortions..and we have to pay thousdands of dollars to do IVF or adopt. What is going on? Where is our fairytale ending??


It was negative. All this for nothing.

What am I thinking right now? Well...I´m looking for excuses. I used a very crapy HPT that I brough from the US. I didn´t bring the box, but now that I think about it, it probably won´t read early. I´m testing about 4-5 days early. I´m goign to get a good one that reads early results at the pharmacy and check again tomorrow. If that one is negative, then I´m done.

I really thought it was going to be positive.

I need to get ready for the worst. I need a Plan. I will talk with the RE to see what we can do now, and then my husband. He doesn´t want to be without us for another month, and I don´t know if I can take this again for nothing. I´ll probably do it, but it´s going to suck again.

I have to do it before school starts in the US because Gordi starts in August and I don´t want her to miss a month because of me being LOCA.


Monday, April 5, 2010

I just can´t wait..

It will happen tomorrow morning. I need to sleep at night!!

Wish me luck!

Sunday, April 4, 2010


I´m going to test on tuesday, NO NO NO, wednesday (7dp5dt)...so hard to wait!!

You go Amy!!

OMG- I have the worst nausea-feeling ever! (I really don´t want to call it the other possible name)...Whenever I get a bit hungry, I get super Bitchy and I get nauseated if I don´t eat (just like in my 2nd pregnancy). I did have nausea and dizziness from OHSS after retrieval, but now I have it every time I have to eat (every 2-3hrs)...weird!! I´m having a very hard time not believing in this...CRAP!
Could I be having symptoms already??Or are these the tricky hormones from IVF, playing their mind games?

FYI, my OHSS is showing up as a big belly. I swear, I look like I did when I was 4 months pregnant with gordi. It doesn´t hurt much anymore, only some twitches here and there and when I try to sleep on my side. It´s bearable and I can walk arould and go out just fine now.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Toddlers and IVF

It cannot be done. They don´t match. At least not mine.

I think the main reason is that she´s not at home, and she sees me sick on the couch all day. I´ve been at home pretty sick until yesterday afternoon - that´s 7 or 8 days. I never thought that I would be this sick from IVF . I realize that OHSS is not that common, and the fact that my husband is not around is not that common either...I´m starting to resent that. He should be here with me through this. Not just the procedures, but the recovery and to help with gordi.

In conclusion, she´s driving me crazy...and I can´t pick her up or even discipline her bc my ovaries hurt when I do it. I´m better today, but I still ended up putting her in time out. I hope she learns or she´ll be in time out a lot today. I can´t deal with her complaining and yelling and misbehaving. I just don´t have energy to have patiente.

The lack of sleep doesn´t help either. Aren´t we supposed to have a restful time during the 2ww? I have to put the Progesterone suppositories in every 8 hrs. And she doesn´t take naps and I also pee every 3 hrs because of OHSS...that gives me 6 to 8 hrs a night in 3 stretches...lucky me. All this is going to make it so that I don´t get pregnant after all this hell...

I started to think about that. What if it doesn´t work after all...I have a new feeling of accomplishment in me. I feel like I´ve achieved so much, when I was sooo afraid of all this (first needles, then surgery, then OHSS and the ER...). I´ve done all I can...even if it doesn´t work. I don´t know how I could do a FET cycle now. I´ve already been away from my husband 2.25 months out of 3 this year. If we do a FET, I´ll have to be here another month somewhere before the summer. Another 2 flights, $2000, another move for my daughter. Another month away from her dad and with a very impatient mom...not fair for anybody.

Well, I think I´m done. We are at 3dp5dt. A few more days and I´ll be done. 10 more days and we go back home to FL. To daddy.

Thursday, April 1, 2010


haha...I´ve wanted to write that for a while now..

Well, transfer day went fine. They told me that the embies divided again that same morning, and were beautiful blasts. They never mentioned the size/grade...I should´ve asked. We were able to freeze 3 not so big ones. So they transfered the biggest and better ones. That should give us a pretty good chance at a pregnancy, right? I hope so.

The whole situation was pretty funny. My dad has been ¨the husband¨ figure at all major (and most) appointments. He was there at retrieval, ER visit, transfer...He felt ackward sometimes... I even had a nurse almost take him to the sperm bank section to do ¨the husband´s¨ job on retrieval day...haha. On transfer day, we met up with a couple that did retrieval the same day...and my dad HAD to explain the fact that he wasn´t a pedophile...just my dad...very ackward...

So, I´m still bloated and pretty unconfortable, but I can move around better. I haven´t left the house since transfer at 1 pm yesterday. I can´t wait to go watch that dragon movie with my daughter and my mom tomorrow...just to get out.

My daughter is learning so much during these weeks here. She´s at her age´s level of Spanish now. She has friends at school and loves going there now. She even got a goddie bag from a birthday girl the other day. WOW! the first one.

I will POAS on tuesday before I go nuts. Thanks for the tip!!