Wednesday, October 21, 2009


There should be a guide to understand husbands...Just like "what to expect where you are expecting" but for husbands..."what to expect when your spouse doesn't talk much"
We had a talk yesterday. I think we both got a lot off our chests...I did!. He said that he's ok with having more kids, He wants more. I think he realizes that I'm more messed up than before and IVF really is our only route here..
He said that he doesn't want to use his vacation time on this...freezing in Spain instead that warm in Florida (or somewhere else on REAL vacation). He hates his job now, so he really looks forward vacation time to have fun. I just don't want him to blame me for wasting his vacation if nothing happens, if I don't get pregnant.
SO I totally misread him.
He also said that I'm a total PSYCHO. And that I'm a rollercoaster and a mess. He can't keep up with my mood swings anymore. So I'm going to try and relax. I guess Spain is back on.

Monday, October 19, 2009

IVF is so scary..

I just went to Lost and Found and read
Kim here, has had many surgeries and is totally afraid of IVF. I am too. I hate doctors and all the stuff the do to us. I showed it to my husband because she expresses herself so well...Her words are a rollercoaster.
He said that hers was a totally different situation, because I would just need 1 round of IVF (yeah, right) and because she had to get more things done that I won't need.
He didn't get the point at all...
I'm I the only one that feels like their husband doesn't give a crap??!. Then we started the same as always argument and he ended up saying that he was OK with just having 1 kid.
I guess I just need to let go.
Well, going on with the title of this post, I'm really scared to do it period. Even if its free in Spain. I just don't want to do it alone. I think I rather pay for it and know that my husband is there for me. So I told him that I wanted to do it here; and he laughed and turned up the volume on the TV.
I guess I won't have to go through IVF after all...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I figured it out!

Every time I get my period, the day before I have a HUGE meltdown. That was yesterday. And that's when I decided it was over.
I think I'm starting to have moments of clarividencia! SOY BRUJA! maybe that's not the word, but it's like I can understand myself better and work through my issues at the moment and make decisions that last.
Last time, major meltdown time I should say, it was about me growing up and being OK staying at home with my daughter. And now, it's about cancelling our plans (my plans) to do IVF after Christmas.
Today, I have realized that my DH doesn't want to have a baby through doctors. He just wants it natural. I just don't know if I can wait for that. It's been 13 months since my miscarriage. I'm exhausted. I can't try too much longer. So I give up now. It's official
And tomorrow we're going to SEA WORLD! Love Florida!

It's over

I had been so excited for the last month..I started the blog, my loquero (psychologist) told me I was "cured" due to our decision to move up IVF to January, my family is visiting, we got a cabin in UT for Christmas...all seemed great! I was in great spirits again.
Well...I called my husband to tell him that my mom wasn't going to be able to help me with my daughter because she found a job. As I was starting to explain to him that we might have to put her in daycare (in Spain, while I do IVF ALONE)...he started calling me all kinds of things (stupid among them) because he thought I wanted to go tomorrow to Spain to do it before my mom started this new job. I would never take away all these vacations we have planned for Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family!! But I really couldn't talk anymore so I hung up the phone.
As I was talking to my brother in law, I realized that my DH doesn't want to do it. He doesn't want to have more kids. At least not through any assisted way. He really thinks that after his last SA (result= 0- NADA) we can get pregnant naturally.
It happened once, i know...but it was before his variccoccele surgery. This last SA was HORRIBLE. It has gotten worse...
Even two nights ago, he was telling me that instead of coming for 2 weeks to visit us in Spain (while we are there for 2+ months) and dropping off his sample, maybe he could come for only 1 week because he wants to have more vacation to spend with his family next year.
Most people know that a cycle of IVF is hell, right?? We are pros at this. We know every detail, and he expects me to go through it all alone, and only see him for a week!!
Its over. I'm not doing it alone.
I guess, I have to make peace with the fact that it's not going to happen for a while. I guess I can get a job or something to distract me from thinking about it ALL THE TIME.
I haven't been able to sleep much...I feel like I lost a part of me.
Why can't he just do it right?? just because he loves me??
I guess it's too much to ask.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Appointment done

Well, today I scheduled an appointment with my RE. I haven't had my period yet. I'm a week late. I took 2 pregnancy tests and BFN on both. I think I'm imagining pregnancy symptoms...I make this sooo much harder on myself than it should be. I should just relax. BUT I CAN'T. I wish I could.

The RE I used last spring was great. He knows about my country and the health system. He was really excited about me doing IVF in Spain. That gives me some comfort. Here, in the US, we are used to the thought that health care is so great here, that other countries suck. Or maybe it's my perception only. I don't know. When I had my M/C and D&C done there I felt I was in a third world country. It was weird. Very efficient and well done, but the facilities and the access that patiens have to doctors is totally different.

Anyways, I haven't had a period and I'm freaking out because, what if I have a medical problem before I get to Spain and they can't start with IVF until they fix it and I'm stuck there for longer than the predicted 2 months???I love my family and my mom, and I love the fact that I'm going to have help EVERYWHERE. But I'm going to miss my husband like crazy.

Just because we can't make a baby by ourselves, doesn't mean that I can/ want to get pregnant without him. He will be there for 2 just doesn't seem enough!

I have the appointment in 3 weeks. Nov. 4th. We'll see.

This sucks!

What am I doing?

Yes, What am I doing?

I am a fellow Ifer besides many other things. I have a two year old daughter. The cutest toddler in the world, who is bilingual and also, very smart. I am a H.S. teacher on a break. I used to teach Spanish. I am Spanish, from Spain. I guess I should add that you will find many misspelled words, things that don't make sense and very very bad writing.

I don't care at this point.

I will remain anonymous, just because I want to feel comfortable saying ( or writing) my feelings and opinions.

I started reading blogs like mine when I realized that I needed help dealing with infertility AGAIN. My husband cannot put up with another conversation about the matter and I NEED to vent.

I found It scared me to death, but at the same time it gave me comfort because I knew that there were many of us going through the same CRAP. I should clarify...It scared me because I found out what real people go through, instead of what my doctors had told's scary!! it sucks!

So here I am. Using my blog as a therapeutic way to fix me. Just like we use sex as a therapeutic way to fix our relationship with our husbands/partners, right??

I hope it works. I see that there is a lot of support from one to another...that's just what I need.

Why is it that nobody understands THIS!. I can't talk to my girlfriends about it because none of them is married...and if they are, they seem to have problems avoiding pregnancies. I can't talk to my mother...she's bored of it already. I already mentioned my husband...even a psychologist I just started to visit told me that all I needed was relaxation techniques...WTH


Here I am.