Passing time..

As time passes, I feel stronger because I haven´t lost it..YET...I have managed to stay sane so far. I am actually doing pretty good. My therapist is helping mefind ways to deal with stress and control my IF talk, which means, not drive my DH insane with all the IF talk. I think I can manage it better now.
So November is almost over and I have no plans for IVF so far...
I know: that I can only come up with about $6K for next year´s IVF, therefore, I know that I need to donate half to even attempt a cycle, OR, donate a full cycle, pocket $6K from it and then, pay for my own cycle.
I don´t know: If I´ll be able to donate at all. Let me explain. 2 of my aunts have had breast cancer. The one that had it the worst and 2 different times tested negative on the genetic test ( i can´t remember the name of it). So, her cancer wasn´t genetic. My other aunt, lives in the US and doesn´t want to test because if she tests positive, her daughter´s insurance will either drop her or raise the premium. She won´t test. The genetic counselor I went to, wrote up a report stating that the receipients of my eggs needed to be notified..blah, blah, blah...So, now we have to wait for my RE to say if we are ok to proceed and find a receipient or not.
We should be ok, according to the donor coordinator, but it makes me nervous.
I am trying to find ways to save money and make some extra money as well. I don´t think we would be able to do it for another year though...I kinda feel like our families should help...but they shouldn´t really...why would they??anyways, they won´t.
DH might get a little raise next month...
So many questions and changes and time passing...
My baby is huge now. 3 years and 4 months. She´s so tall and smart that she seems even older...I always said I didn´t want to have kids as far apart as my brother and me, but as of this month, my kids will be farther apart than me and my brother. 4 years apart. And I don´t even have a date in the near future to try again. It may be 6 months, it may be 2 years, it may never happen.

The holiday brake was nice. We drove to D.C. to see my BIL, husband and baby. Being around a baby for 5 days is hard....also, when the extended family avoids asking US when we are going to have another baby, after asking all the young couples...that´s when you know it´s BAD. I couldn´t even look up for a couple of minutes I was trying to keep the tears in so hard. I did good. I did not cry. Not once during the whole trip. I was sad for a day. Being sad doesn´t get me anywhere so I stopped. I finally understand what my husband tries to explain every time: why do I get sad, if nothing good is going come out of it, and I am going to be in pain??

Today I told my husband at the new Chi.ldrens mu.seum here in Tam.pa: I hate seeing pregnant women...i think...maybe I said I hate women who are pregnant. It´s late, I can´t see the difference now. BUT, I did say that. Am I nuts? maybe...I just hate going to the zoo or Bus.ch Ga.rdens or ANYWHERE and see all these women pregnant!!! I hate it.

Well, time passes, flies by....I need to focus more on the now, and how amazing my husband and daughter are, and less on the age difference and the possibility that we will be a family of 3 forever...