Positives and Negatives

I´ve got a positive on a OPK. Finally. I guess, between all the hormones they´ve given me and the BCP I self-prescribe every once in a while haven´t allowed me to ovulate on my own. I tested this month and I ovulated on CD 21. Crazy, right? I need to research that. So my period will come in about 12 days from now. Then I will have to go to NYC to visit the clinic and get the official acceptance for the trial after the physical exam and u/s.

Negatives...well, I am becoming SO negative. Everything will be awful if you listen to my thoughts. It turns out to be better than what I think, most of the times, but I always have a feeling that whatever can go wrong, will. Not just in IF issues...all issues. Today, well, tonight I feel blue...so sad. One of those days, where the only thing that would fix me is my very own baby in my arms not letting me sleep. I crave it SO BAD sometimes. It hurts. Most days I am fine. Most days I am convinced, sure, that we will be fine just the 3 of us. Then another pregnancy announcement ruins everything. Or belly pic on face.book. Or a trip to the children´s museum. Evil Evil place.

I am ready to start the trial, or IVF in Spain. Whichever. I am not ready to be crushed again. Even this cycle. We had very timed sex. I almost forced my DH to stay in the morning yesterday for a quickie, in a very specific position...bla bla bla...Today I felt something around my uterus...I went directly into preggo symptoms mode. It has to be it...I am so nuts. I will be crashed again. I almost rather be on BCP to avoid all this. I am so done.