Monday, August 30, 2010

5 more days!

My drug regimen is going as planned...almost...I was supposed to get my period 2 days after I finished my 10 days of and it took 6. It freaked me out, but it´s here. Done freaking out.
I stared Es.trogen to thicken my lining today. One a day till CD 5 when I go to 2 a day, and on CD 8 I start 3 a day till the FET. I have done 2 10-day cycles of pro.gesterne (=HELL), one Decapep.tyl dep.ot shot in the butt (administered by my self, to my self, to my butt), and 2 periods, and 2 ovulatory cycles and now es.trogen. I am very impressed. I can do it all.
On the other side, I am suffering...I don´t know if this suffering is comparable with OHSS that I had is just taking so darn long!! I have THE WORST hot flashes ever, worse than when I took clo.mid. Really bad cramps, constantly. Horrible mood swings...I can´t believe that my hubby is still here, next to me, instead of divorcing me!!.
I am very anxious. Right now, Im worried that I will be too stressed out at the time of the FET, and loose the babie(s). I cannot control my all. Any suggestions? the one or two that still read my blog??
The other day, I went out with a friend and we watched EA.t, Pr.ay, It was a good movie. It helped me focus a bit on the possibility of a BFN. I have to be ok if I get a BFN. I have a lot in my life as it is. I am so happy, and so ready to finish this hormonal chapter of my life. I will sell of the baby stuff that I have, make room in the garage and have more money to ourselves.
Other times though, I fantasize of twin boys. I don´t know why they have to be boys, but they always are. I want my life to be a disaster because I have twins, I want to cry in fustration because I have twins. I do I do I do. Then, I think of ALL the things that have to go right to get there and I stop the fantasy.
In the bottom of my heart I know it won´t work. How could it? This is too hard. Maybe in a few years we can try again. I am done now. Its taking a huge toll on our lives, it´s not fair to my husband or my daughter. She still says that she doesn´t want me to go to the doctor anymore.
So sad.
There it is. 5 days till I go to Spain, and 7 till net monday when I start my love-hate relationship with the stirrups and the ultrasound machine. Give me a baby, but I hate you!!
Wish me luck!!

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