Lately I´ve been full of very random, yet important thoughts / feelings in my head...mainly because of my decision to donate eggs and do another IVF round next year and all that implies, AND my visit with THE BEST infertility counselor (psychologist) ever.
The counselor was awesome. My DH came along, per her request. She wants to see where we are both at. She gave us tips and exercises to get closer...she says that he´s distanced himself from me because he can´t fix it, AND I´ve become a psycho...obsessed with all things IF. Thigs are better now between us, and I have great expectations for the future.
On the other hand, I am going through all the donor process...a pain, if you ask me. It is $6K in paperwork and extra things to do, if you ask me.
A lot of questions have aroused from this decision. Moral questions, financial questions, my mom´s questions, my friend´s questions...it´s hard...it´s a lot!. I will give MY baby away. It will be one of mine. If I didn´t want one so bad, I probably wouldn´t care so much...but I do. Is it worth $6K? Could I sell them for more? Is it fair to sell them for more to a couple who´s struggling just like us? I do need the money...I probably won´t have enough embryos to freeze because of it, and one less chance at this... I could just wait 2 years and pay full prize when I start working again. Can I really wait 6 months for this?? I need it now?! BUT what if I could get preggo on my own again??
And, worst of all, my BIL just posted " Today is a great day!" on his FB status...and my MIL agreed, and his MIL agreed, and his wife too...without explaining...SHE´s SO PREGNANT!!!....I am having a hard time keeping the tears as a type this...they´ve been trying for a day or two...
Why does this have to be this hard?? Why can´t I shake it off and leave it behind me?
I guess I just answered one question...no, I can´t wait 2 years to have enough money for this. I guess egg donor is the route we will take.
By the way, I am so happy for Amy and this gal. So happy you guys got pregnant!!
Oh!! NEWS! My brother in law just called me..YES, she´s pregnant. I just want to die...please, take me out of my misery! And my husband thinks I´m sick for not being happy for them...I am happy for them, just very SAD for me.
It is so great that you are so comfortable and really like your counselor. That is awesome! And on the other hand, it is so hard to be happy when someone close to you gets pregnant when you have been trying for so long. I have given my fair share of glaring looks to even pregnant strangers! I know deep down you are happy for them, but it is very much ok to be sad for yourself. It is a fine line we all walk.
ReplyDelete((Thank you for cheering for me in your post!!)
Of course you are sad for you - and that makes the happy for them hard to express sometimes. WE get it anyway. Hang in there!
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