I can´t..

I can´t say goodbye to my infertility or my longing for another child, so...it only makes sense that I can´t say goodbye to my blog and all of your blogs to get me through the day. Since I am reading and writing on your blogs, I thought I could give it a try a start over with my own blog.

First off, I´m sorry that I left so abruptly. I was SO mad. So mad. I can´t even describe it. I was even mad at my husband...for not being there when I got the call, for never being with me when I go through IVF and all IVF related procedures.

What now? Well, I can´t stop obsessing over IVF. I´ve looked at a million clinical trials, called..nothing. The best deal I can find (well, not the best, the only one I can try to afford) is a local RE that gives 50% off if you donate some eggs. So, here I am. I have an appointment on tuesday to see if they still offer it. It would be $6,000 instead of $12,000. Not bad. $6K seems easier to get to. I just don´t know how to finance $20K...it´s SO much money.

Obviously, I could work and make money and pay for it, right? But my husband argues that I will neglect my daughter (maybe the only child I will ever have) so that I can throw money down the drain??? because it probably won´t work??? Neglect is too strong of a word, but I would have to leave her in school all day if I went back to work. I´ve found a tutoring job that pays around $30/hr, but Dh doesn´t want me to leave my daughter with a friend or in school for 6hrs a week. He makes me feel so guilty for wanting to make some cash!. I don´t know if I can, or should confront him and just do it. I could make $6k in 10 months for sure...the rest I could pay from our checking.

He´s done. I´m not. I believe that if we tried one or 2 more times I would get pregnant. I´ve already been pregnant!!! twice!! Our chances are great!. I can´t just let it go because of money...

Any thoughts? advice? shoot!