hard times

I just gave 2 huge bags of 18 month to 3T clothes to a friend. All of the clothes I had, to be precise.
This is a very hard decision. It´s complicated. On one hand I don´t want to see them anymore. I have boxes and boxes of clothes than remind me that I won´t have more kids...that there is no future in sight...no action happening...nothing. A deep hole of nothing that fills my heart...
On another side, I want to keep them. I want to feel triumphant when I do get pregnant and I get to use them again...but that hasn´t happened in 3 years now, so I should just let it go and move on. Get more room in my garage, give the clothes to people that need them and are going to use them.

I have a friend, L. She´s very particular in many aspects, but my friend nonetheless. She has a 2 year old and I have given her many clothes. Now, another friend needs my 2T clothes and L won´t give them back to me. L has already sold one of our common friends´ tricile in her yard sale, without asking permission, or even giving the money made back.... I fear that L has sold all my gymb.oree clothes on a yard sale and pocketed the money...It pisses me off so bad. but WHY? I gave her the clothes, asking her to return them if I had another girl. It has been over a year and nothing has happened, I am not having any more kids. I should be ok with this. She might have used them too much and they just need to go to the trash now.
These clothes are loaded. The carry HOPE. My hope of having another child. If I loose track of them...maybe I will loose track of my babies...my dream...my hope. My life.

Today has been one of those days where I can´t smile inside. I might have smiled outside, but I am so sad inside.
I have no plans to do IVF again. I had to start BCP this month because my cycles are 45 days long, and I need to bleed...I need to try and regulate myself. I am preventing a pregnancy EVEN MORE...
I am mad that my brother in law won´t give us money to do a cycle when he makes a million $ a year...and is buying a house with a $1.4M tag. It´s just not fair. It´s not their problem, either. I shouldn´t be mad because they don´t offer to help me.

I am on the verge of a meltdown. I can feel it. I am tired of IF...

I need action!

IVM is out the window.
The clinic that gives me free IVF will let me move forward, but they won´t allow it to anonymous...so it might take a little longer to get matched. No action there..

IVF in Spain is also at a stall. My dad said he wanted to talk to Dr. Moron in person. Until that happens, no action. If the Dr. says ok, I won´t be able to move forward until the end of June anyways. 6 months away...so long....

What do I do in the mean time? What a pain...I wish I could just start already...

self inflicted pain

I guess I do that sometimes...like right now. I am resting from cleaning the house before DH´s family arrives tomorrow, and there´s nothing on TV. I thought I could watch "16 and p.regnant" show on MTV. It should be prohibited for IFers to watch that show.

Right now, I would go straight to the adoption route in a heartbeat! But my husband does not want me to even mention it. He doesn´t want to persue it. I think it sounds like the easier way out this hell. I know I am capable of loving a child, regardless where it comes from...

The FREE IVF clinic gave me a little trouble. According to them, the FDA doesn´t let them use me as an anonymous donor because I lived in Spain during the Mad Cow time. It is weird because no other clinic has ever even mentioned it. So I will be presented as a donor but the prospective receipients will have to meet me. No biggie, I guess. They declined me for a week, during which I broke down (obviously) and DH agreed that doing another cycle in Spain was the best way to do it. He doesn´t want to spend 6 or 12 thousand dollars. So I asked my dad if I could go back and do it again and he said he would have a talk with Dr. Moron. GREAT...
So things keep moving forward...

I.V.M??

I have been in contact with an RN in charge of a study in NJ. They need women with PC.OS. I just sent all my results to them. The trial is In Vi.tro M.aturation for PCO.S.
I would have to cover diagnostic testing, anesthesia, and meds. Good thing is that meds should just be the Hcg shot prior to retreival.
I have friends in NJ...my bff here has an apartment with a sofa bed and a tv...lol...I guess I would have to pay for a sublet for a month, car rental for a month, 4 plane tickets, maybe 5...Is it worth it?I would have to take my daughter with me...

I am keeping all my options open. The clinic here that charges me $6K for a share cycle, the clinic in Margate that charges me about $1,500 for a share cycle and the study in NJ. We´ll see what happens in the end.
I need to keep moving. I need to start cycling soon...I´m sure you guys understand me.

I.V.M is actually a pretty good deal. After going through OHSS once, I can say that IVM and everything that helps me avoid it, is fantastic. I would love to try it. It doesn´t require any stims therefore lowering the risk of cancer (I know it´s not proven, but I just cannot believe it..)

On a positive note, my aunt, who is 42 married to my uncle who is 55 just got pregnant! They have gone through 5 cycle, one m/c and she´s finally 11 weeks. I am so happy for them. Also, my husband came home today with a promotion! I guess we could do a cycle on our own now, but I just can´t take this extra money away from him. We need to go on a good vacation and relax. It has been really stressful for him lately. Have you noticed how husbands turn to be awful communicators under stress?? Mine is terrible. It makes things very hard. I know I have to give him time, and things will be better. Hopefully Xmas will do the trick.

Also, I POASed today. I´m 8 days late. Which is normal, but I have had cramps for 3 weeks, and AF just doesn´t get here!! It´s driving me crazy. I do not recommen Lu.pron De.pot to anyone on earth! Evil evil thing. Now that we are in the 50´s (yes, 50´s in Tampa!), my hot flashes have dissapeared...thank god!

Free IVF

Well, as free as it gets.
I have been calling every clinic that I am accessible to in the state of Florida and I found one in Margate that doesn´t charge for a cycle if I split it or share it with another couple. So I can share half of my eggs and get a cycle free. FREE!. I think I will have to pay a little over $1,000 in paperwork fees, and maybe some more because we need to use ICSI. hopefully I will need to pay more to freeze some embrios. That would be ideal.
So, my DH agreed and we are doing it! I have my 1st visit on monday the 13th. DH´s parents live about 15 mins away. How awesome is that! I have childcare included.
I am really excited. Now, we just have to get the OK from the Dr to be a share donor and proceed.

Wish me luck!
If anybody has had experiences either sharing or receiving their eggs (in a shared cycle), please let me know the details!!

I´ve lost some weight!

I really thought that I was "aging" and was gaining weight and just couldn´t loose it anymore...stoopid lupron depot. Now that it´s almost out of my system, I have lost 5lbs in 2 weeks, and that´s including thanksgiving food. All the weight was concentrated around the waist and thighs. Now I am back at 120lbs. Hopefully I can stay this way.

I was reading the blog of an egg donor and noticed how she blamed lupron for the weight gain. I guess I can do it too.

On another note, I loooove my therapist. She´s a fertility psychologist. She fixes all my emotions...including the lack of understanding from my husband. She gave me a summary of "men are from ma.rs,wom.en are from ven.us" hahaha. She gets me. It makes things easier. All IFers should get a Kathy like mine.