hard times

I just gave 2 huge bags of 18 month to 3T clothes to a friend. All of the clothes I had, to be precise.
This is a very hard decision. It´s complicated. On one hand I don´t want to see them anymore. I have boxes and boxes of clothes than remind me that I won´t have more kids...that there is no future in sight...no action happening...nothing. A deep hole of nothing that fills my heart...
On another side, I want to keep them. I want to feel triumphant when I do get pregnant and I get to use them again...but that hasn´t happened in 3 years now, so I should just let it go and move on. Get more room in my garage, give the clothes to people that need them and are going to use them.

I have a friend, L. She´s very particular in many aspects, but my friend nonetheless. She has a 2 year old and I have given her many clothes. Now, another friend needs my 2T clothes and L won´t give them back to me. L has already sold one of our common friends´ tricile in her yard sale, without asking permission, or even giving the money made back.... I fear that L has sold all my gymb.oree clothes on a yard sale and pocketed the money...It pisses me off so bad. but WHY? I gave her the clothes, asking her to return them if I had another girl. It has been over a year and nothing has happened, I am not having any more kids. I should be ok with this. She might have used them too much and they just need to go to the trash now.
These clothes are loaded. The carry HOPE. My hope of having another child. If I loose track of them...maybe I will loose track of my babies...my dream...my hope. My life.

Today has been one of those days where I can´t smile inside. I might have smiled outside, but I am so sad inside.
I have no plans to do IVF again. I had to start BCP this month because my cycles are 45 days long, and I need to bleed...I need to try and regulate myself. I am preventing a pregnancy EVEN MORE...
I am mad that my brother in law won´t give us money to do a cycle when he makes a million $ a year...and is buying a house with a $1.4M tag. It´s just not fair. It´s not their problem, either. I shouldn´t be mad because they don´t offer to help me.

I am on the verge of a meltdown. I can feel it. I am tired of IF...