Wednesday, October 14, 2009

It's over

I had been so excited for the last month..I started the blog, my loquero (psychologist) told me I was "cured" due to our decision to move up IVF to January, my family is visiting, we got a cabin in UT for Christmas...all seemed great! I was in great spirits again.
Well...I called my husband to tell him that my mom wasn't going to be able to help me with my daughter because she found a job. As I was starting to explain to him that we might have to put her in daycare (in Spain, while I do IVF ALONE)...he started calling me all kinds of things (stupid among them) because he thought I wanted to go tomorrow to Spain to do it before my mom started this new job. I would never take away all these vacations we have planned for Thanksgiving and Christmas with his family!! But I really couldn't talk anymore so I hung up the phone.
As I was talking to my brother in law, I realized that my DH doesn't want to do it. He doesn't want to have more kids. At least not through any assisted way. He really thinks that after his last SA (result= 0- NADA) we can get pregnant naturally.
It happened once, i know...but it was before his variccoccele surgery. This last SA was HORRIBLE. It has gotten worse...
Even two nights ago, he was telling me that instead of coming for 2 weeks to visit us in Spain (while we are there for 2+ months) and dropping off his sample, maybe he could come for only 1 week because he wants to have more vacation to spend with his family next year.
Most people know that a cycle of IVF is hell, right?? We are pros at this. We know every detail, and he expects me to go through it all alone, and only see him for a week!!
Its over. I'm not doing it alone.
I guess, I have to make peace with the fact that it's not going to happen for a while. I guess I can get a job or something to distract me from thinking about it ALL THE TIME.
I haven't been able to sleep much...I feel like I lost a part of me.
Why can't he just do it right?? just because he loves me??
I guess it's too much to ask.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry - it's so hard when you're not on the same page.