The back up p.lan

BULL&$%·.

I´m watching this stupid movie and I´m so pissed off...sooooo mad. So JLo here hets inseminated and pregnant the 1st try, AND she gets twins. (Which i´m sure it´s what happened in real life for her). Anyways, when does that happen??

Why can´t things happen like that for us. We try so hard..so hard...we go through so much...I just finished Pro.metrium and I´m so emotional. I´ve cried 3 times today already. The worst part is that I have no doubt that it won´t work. I just can´t imagine doing another fresh cycle, and spending another 2+ months away from my husband, and surgery, and pain, and OHSS, and hell.

I want this over with. I want it away from my head. and my heart. Please, go away!!

OF COURSE.she gets pregnant again, without trying at the end...nice ending...sorry for spoiling a crappy movie...

Life

Lately, I´ve been thinking a lot about what infertility means to us. I think all of us have after reading the article on SELF magazine. I think the article was fantastic. It really portrayed a variety of examples of infertility and exhorted ALL to DO something to change the status quo.

I have sent the article to a couple of friends. One of them is an IFer herself, a quiet one, no one knows about it...and the other was a surrogate twice for a couple that couldn´t carry their own babies. The second knows a bit about IVF since she had to go trhough some of it. The first just knows.

I don´t know what else to do. Whenever I am asked THE question: "So, when are you guys going to have a second child??"..huh???...I always answer truthfully..."We can´t have any more kids...right now. We just did an IVF cycle and it failed. We will do it again in September". Whoever asks feels aweful, I guess. I try to make it less ackward, saying stuff like "At least we have gordi..she´s a handful! ha ha". I just can´t lie without tearing up or feeling aweful myself.

Sould I post the article on my facebook page? Most people know what we are going through...I think. I don´t want any more pity...I guess that´s what it is..everybody feels bad for us. It´s pityful. What else can I do? I don´t know anybody infuential or that´s is going to go the extra mile to help the cause..

Anyways...We IFers are sure different creatures. We see our children or other children in a different light. We are always kept "beyond joy" little cowgirl says. There´s always something IF-related in our minds..constantly.

Do we ever recover? When? When we have children? What if we never have children, or more children (as it is in my case...I´m one of the lucky ones)?? Will I feel this way in 10 years, 20?

For now, I am loving Pro.metrium because I´m so busy that I haven´t felt many side-effects lately, AND it means I´m very close to my next FET.
Wish me luck!

I hate Pro.metrium...

I´m now on day 2 of Pro.metrium. I´ve had nausea, emotional bursts, hot flashes, and exhaustion. It usually takes me a few more days to feel sick...This time I´m using the US type of Progesterone instead of Spain´s.
I have a few concerns this time around. I´m finally pretty much normal...yes..I said normal. Not many signs of PCOS lately. I actually Ovulated this month! I know..I´m so proud of my ovaries. I´ve been thinking that maybe I shouldn´t drink any soy milk anymore (I changed to almond milk a month ago or so). So, I don´t know how, but after taking that Dian.e 35 for 1 month, my body is back to normal. No more acne, a little hair loss, and ovulation!!

I talked to Dr.Moron and told him that I was ovulating, and he said that Pro.metrium wouldn´t hurt a baby, if I conceived naturally. I hope not. I´m also trying to follow the rules after IVF transfers...almost all at least. We´ve been having crazy sex lately.

So my plan now is to wait for my next period, and start Pro.metrium again on CD 16 until CD 26 and on CD 22 get the lu.pron de.pot shot. On CD day 2 start the estrogen and transfer on CD 18 of the next cycle.

I haven´t ovulated on my own in so long, that I don´t want to start more hormone treatments and get back on the crazy PCOS mode again...I guess BCP will be my friend again after the FET if it doesn´t work.

Also, Gordi is on her 2nd week of swimming lessons. The first week, she cried the whole time and now she loves it! Finally. i almost cried yesterday when she started crying...thanks pro.metrium...ugh....

HELP! I need drugs!

I can stay home a little longer, and away a little less if I can get some Lupron Depot 3.75 mg.
The Dr. here won´t prescribe it because he doesn´t want to be responsible. My doctor in Spain could care less and he says that I can get the shot here and get to Spain 10 days before the transfer so I can get the lining checked, and get things ready for the FET. So instead of leaving August 17th, I can leave September 1st and spend my and my husband´s birthdays together.

Does anybody have Lupron Depot 3.75 mg? I will pay for it. I can find it online for $165 or so. If anyone needs to get rid of it, contact me. I really need Decapeptyl, or triptorelin 3.75mg, but Lupron Depot is used more here in the US.

Thanks!

Frustration

I can´t belive it but I am so frustrated right right now, that I am eating a PB&J sandwich. I am trying to get rid of all the sugary snacks in the house, and when I get like this, I just NEED something sweet...I never eat PB&J´s...I didn´t grow up with them, and sorry, that mix is weird! but yummy...

The reason is this whole process between countries...My Doctor in Spain faxed me the protocol for the FET YESTERDAY and he wants me to start on progesterone on SATURDAY. I don´t have progesterone pills! How am I suppossed to get them! So I called my RE here, he can get that for me, hopefully on time. Then, my Dr in Spain also wants me to start Lupron depot next month...how am I going to get that! After a million calls and messages, the RE called me back and told me he can´t prescribe it because he can´t be responsible for it..understandable..but sucks!

After a bit of thinking, I came to the conclusion that it´s ok if Gordi misses the first 2-3 weeks of school and we go to Spain in August. I will get the lupron depot shot, then wait, get the transfer done and leave. I´ll do the Beta here. No biggy. Some thing gotta give I guess. I need to get it done in September, I can´t wait anymore. DH is coming a few days after us so we can go to my dad´s beach house in Marbella (Woo Hoo!!) and then take my daughter with him so I can get the transfer done on my own. Hopefull my MIL will help him out a bit.

Plan B??? I guess we can go back to Spain and do it again around X-mas or next summer...i just hope this is it. I don´t know how much more I can take. It has been very very difficult to overcome the last failed IVF cycle. We put so much into it...so hard. When do we stop all this madness?? We IFers are really crazy to do cycles over and over..

Wish me luck!! Meds start again on Friday!!

September it is

That is when the FET will take place. I am waiting for a fax with all the instructions from Dr Moron. I called him last week and he said I could get the meds sent to me and the cycle started here so I don´t have to be there for so long. This time around I won´t have any shots to do (!!!) and it shoud be fairly easy.
So I will get the day to day schedule by fax today. He mentioned progesterone pills for 10 day to bring about AF and then some kind of antagonist meds...so I will be in good shape for the begining of September to do the Frozen transfer.

Now, I need 2 miracles.
1) The embies thaw well, and I can transfer at least one. I´m hoping for 3...
2)I get pregnant (duh!!)

I´m going to call around and find a cheap acupuncturist. The one I went to was $85. That´s way too much for me...Is that price normal?? My SIL says no, but...this is a different area...

I´m nervous again! That means I´m ready, right?

Fingers crossed!!