IVF # 2 is almost here...and I am afraid

Yes it is. I am definately as excited as I thought I would be, that´s for sure. I think I am afraid. Very afraid. Of the meds, shots, failiure, devastation, loss of oportunities...all of it. I guess it´s a normal reaction. Today I even questioned my capability to care for an infant. Maybe I am done?? Maybe I don´t have the patience for a baby and a 4 year old??...Most days I don´t have any doubts, but as the day to start IVF #2 approaches, I get more and more defensive.

I am starting acu.puncture next week, and the cycle starts the following week. In NY.
We have the logistics figured out and it looks great. Now I just have to get pregnant, right?

From where I stand today, I don´t think I can handle another cycle. Both phisically and emotionally. I am very exhausted and tired of changing all my plans and adjusting my life for another cycle, another trip, another try...I sure hope this one works.

DH´s numbers are lower than ever. No chance at another miracle again. I am throwing away my OPKs.

Tv is just evil

Do any of you follow Parent.hood? I love that show.
I was preparing myself for one of the main character´s pregnancy....well, she has some sort of scarring in her uterus so she can´t. One day, she decides she wants more babies, so she goes to her husband, tells him she wants to adopt and he says yes. Just like that!. So unlike the real thing...
they love to lie on TV.


Other news: DH and I head out to NYC tomorrow for the initial visit at the clinical trial. I am praying that AF shows on time...tomorrow. Yes, I´ve tested and 2xBFN. Oh well. It´s just going to be my husband and I travelling. Gordi is staying with my in laws..I have to admit, I am pretty nervous about it, but I have to relax, right? How can I relax?? There´s so much going on right now. Maybe accupuncture when I start the cycle?? mmm...

All at once..too much??

Today was a crazy insane day. I woke up to an email from my dad saying that he had spoken to Dr. Moron. He detailed the conversation and I was ok with it. I was supposed to call Dr. Moron to get the dates set according to my cycle now and all that. An hour later, I received a call from a 212 area code...which can only be from the clinical trail place. It was them! They had some openings available and she was calling people on the waiting list...WHAT!??!?! Yes, it was my turn. I told her when CD28 is and she made an appointment for me next friday. I.am.going.to. NYC. next thursday!!! DH had the wise idea of leaving gordi with his parents since we have to be in their neck of the woods on thursday anyways, and leave by ourselves.for.two.days.alone. I can´t believe it. Even if we don´t pass the initial visit stage, we are going to be alone for 2 days in NYC. I love that city. Well, they need to review our tests and give us the ok to proceed. Treatment will start 2 weeks after the initial visit, which will be the 2nd week in May. Two hours later, I called Spain, Dr. Moron. He said that June-July might not be the best time because a lot of Drs are using those months as vacation. We might have to do it from the end of August through October. He wants to do the long protocol. A problem arises here. Gordi is going to VPK next school year. VPK is a free voluntary pre-kindergarten program (3 hrs a day everyday). If the child misses 20% of the time, she´s dropped and I would have to pay from then on. I don´t want to pay, that´s for sure. I guess I could find alternatives for a decent price...Also, I could put her in school in Spain for 2 months. That´s very appealing. Her Spanish will be perfected then. So much to think about, huh?? I sure hope I am pregnant this year if I get to try IVF twice, right??

could it be...

I am so thankfull for the blogosphere and for you guys. At this point in my infertility road, I have nobody to talk to about my crazy thoughts. They all think I am crazy already and I am tired of looking like a fool. My blog is a safe zone. I can say whatever crazy idea, feeling or thought and I feel confident that all of you are going to understand and actually provide interesting and supportive feedback. So I am spotting and cramping lightly. Brownish discharge (sorry for TMI). I have ovulated on my own my last 3 cycles. Yes, on my own. It happens on day 16 and I usually get my period on day 28 or 29. Amazing, right? This hasn´t happened in 2-3 years for me. The last time I can remember having 3 regular cycles back to back was when I got pregnant and miscarried. So, as a good infertile that I am, I have been using OPK´s and doing the whole Bedding dance when I was supposed to and in the positions that I feel are more successful according to my past 2 pregnancies. DH has been taking his Ferti.laid and all!! YES!! and I didn´t have to put it in food like a dog.. The problem (or miracle) is here: I ovulated on saturday night or sunday. There shouldn´t be any blood right now, at least not until next week on wednesday. Weird, huh?? I did spot before I got my BFP on the m/c cycle. Is this implantation bleeding?? I have googled it already, and yes, it can be brownish and it usually happend a week before the period starts... Now, let´s list all the possible reasons for this spotting: Early period Some sort of pro.gesterone problem pregnancy just to have another m/c (please God, don´t make me go through that again!) .... I am very excited right now. I know I shouldn´t be...but I can´t help it. It gets me every time. So sucky. For now, I didn´t work out yesterday or today. I won´t work out all week until I get my BFN. I have a chemical peel (vitali.ze peel) on thursday. I do one of these every two months to help my skin with acne scars and new lesions. Should I cancel it? I am trying to breathe to relax when I feel like I am getting to tense (especially around my lower abdomen). What else can I do?? I am not drinking coffee this week either. What else??!! I hope this is the one. Now you all understand why I can´t say this to anyone else...they´ll feel bad for me or pity me, or think I am stupid as hell.

Men..

I was just bored, and decided to check stirrup-queens L&F page. I am so mad Mel has decided to update once a week now...oh well. I understand the reason. Idon´t know how she can do all she does. So I stoped by Erica´s blog. She is dealing with secondary IF, like me, BUT she just had a baby. So lucky huh?. I always check the way they got preggo...maybe I can do it too, right? She has PCOS too. Usually, when a woman has PCOS, they RE gives them clo.mid, met.morphin, injectables...IUI´s...everything and anything they can to force ovul.ation. The men are ok. But my man is not OK. He has been at one point, because I have been pregnant 2 times. Miracle? maybe. Not likely. So after reading that blog, I asked my husband (like many times in the past) why won´t he try the chinese medicine doctor next to his office and some Fertil.aid? I didn´t even mention diet and exercise. He´s not overweight, at least not too much. He needs to get healthy though. He shut me down. My argumet was valid. I told him that IV.F sucks and I suffered through it, and I will do it again. If we are not going to do another cycle again for another year, why not try the old fashioned way? Why can´t he go to the doctor and try and get his numbers up for a few months? It would be so easy if his numbers were better. Right now, my RE will not even consider IUI´s or clomid or anything but IV.F with IC.SI. at a very high price tag. DH thinks it is a waste of time. He seems 100% sure. I know he is trying to protect himself, but I don´t know why. It feels like he loves me less just because he won´t go through anything for me, as I´ve done for him. I can´t understand his reaction. It´s like we are back 2 or 3 years ago. I guess it is ok for me to go through IV.F alone, but it is not ok for him to get SA´s and acupuncture needles once a month. Does anybody have any wisdom for me?? Thanks!!