Thursday, April 8, 2010

lots of things to say..don´t really know how...

So I went to the Dr. Right before, in the morning I took a HPT and negative again. So I told him. He said it was still early but still sent me downstairs to get a urine test and a beta...don´t ask me why..
After that I came back upstairs and talked to him. He went on and on and on about the HUGE favor he´s doing us (no favors here..he OWED my dad, so he felt obligated..). And that everybody was a bit uncomfortable because of me being so special that he had to supervise every u/s and all that, and that I just couldn´t keep pushing him because of my flights. I have my returning flight on wednesday, which gives us enough time to test and know and leave. BUT he wants me to hang around because...then the HELL started. He went on to fully explain every single thing that could go wrong (he even made some up)...severe OHSS (really? at this point?), severe bleeding, abortion (miscarriage)...then he said: your E2 levels were really off. Your estrogen is messed up because of your PCOS so your egg quality is very poor. I´m 100% sure that this will be an early´ll get your period but the embryos will have implanted already...and you´ll loose them.
Who says that to somebody who´s waiting on Beta results??? He´s the biggest ASS in the world.
He went on to say because of my Estradiol (Estrogen) levels he told us to transfer 2 embies...because a person like me CAN get pregnant and he would have recommended only 1 if it wasn´t for my E2 he knew at the time of transfer that this was not going to end in a pregnancy.

what else...

I don´t know..

In conclusion: I´m left with the question: Are my frozen embies poor quality too? Should I listen to what he´s saying? because I think he's trying to cover his behind and make sure he blames me enough that we can't blame him at all.
Should I feel responsible for having the worst ovaries in the world? I know I shouldn't, but I kinda do..
Can I really, ever, do this again..even if it's a FET?
How can I leave happy knowing that my daughter is going to be an only child and that I won't be able to grow a baby, and nurse, a baby and care and love somebody so much it hurts??
I feel almost as hurt as when I lost baby#2..I have that hole in my heart again...and I have no hope whatsoever.
How could I ever get pregnant 3 years ago? Can my ovaries ever work normal again?

On the outside, I'm left with a pouch-like belly, lots of acne, hair in my chin (Yikes, I know..)and no baby.
On the inside, a big black hole.

Will I ever stop crying when I go to the park and I see pregnant ladies and babies? (which happens every day, sometimes twice a day)


  1. good lord, what an unbelievable ASS of a doctor. I don't even know what to say about that. I just wish I could give you a big hug and cup of hot tea right now.

  2. Well you know where to go if you ever want to be cheered up...WTF! I am a PCOS girl and yep another chin sister lol and we have always transfered 2 embrio's, infact our FS was the one who suggested it as he said PCOS girls have bigger problems getting pg. As for OHSS if its handled properly and your monitored you should get minimal effect. I was always give 2 bags of fluid instead of the normal one after egg pick up to counter effect the OHSS.

    Sweetness don't let him bring you down because it only makes you feel the way you currently are!

  3. Oh that doctor sounds like a nightmare. I'm so sorry you have to deal with him, especially for something so sensitive. This is hard enough without a doctor like that making it worse. I can only pray that things get better for you. I'm so sorry.