It´s a BOY!!

I finally have a few minutes to give you an update. I am currently 19 weeks and we just found out that we are having a boy. I am so happy. I secretly wanted a boy. My husband is getting more excited as the pregnancy progresses. He started out very detached and now he is even letting me look at strollers...amazing. I realized how bad I wanted to hear him say that it was ok to look at strollers while we were at toysr.us today. So weird.
I still feel like something will go wrong any second...but we are still going strong here. Level II u/s is tuesdayto check for heart problems, since my nephew was just born with some issues and needed heart surgery. I can´t wait to see the little man once again.
Again, I can´t say enough for New Hope in New York. I think they truly care and do what´s best for EACH patient.

All good!

We are all good here. Baby is growing right on track. I feel like a kid on Christmas morning every day. I cried during the NT scan and all. Gordi and DH were there and both got so excited to see arms and legs all over the place.
Also, I don´t want to advertise or anything but my clinic is AWESOME. I think they mentioned me on their blog. Here is the link for their success stories. I graduated from them in September, so it is possible.

Late update

I keep forgetting to update the blog...
Good news! The subchronic hemorrhage is reabsorbing itself, just like you all said. The baby is right on track. The heartbeat was at 164 bpm last monday. Amazing.

I am having a rough time believing it...I made it to 9 weeks on friday (my birthday) and DH surprised me with a weekend in Orlando. After 9 weeks I could resume swimming in the pool/beach and sex (finally!!!). So I did both! but I was so so scared. I kept checking for bleeding or cramps...I really can´t believe this is happening. It feels almost too easy. Is that weird?
I am happy, and excited. I can finally eat everythig (mostly). I am extremely hungry, and tired. I love it. Love it. Love it.

Thanks for all your support. The blogosphere is amazing.

Not as easy as it looks

Beta #3 was 3200. My numbers are great.
My OB told me that I could get a sono at week 5 because the numbers were so high that there could be more than one bean in here. Well, the numbers are not that high, but my OB is not used to testing this early either..anyways, I went ahead and got the sono done. Who would decline a sono, right?? There is one baby. Measuring a couple of days ahead. There is also a subchronich hemorrhage. Great, right?? Well, the OB that was at the office when I got the sono thought that I was bleeding already and went ahead and gave me "the speech"...well, it is early, don´t keep your hopes up...and all that...I told him I wasn´t bleeding, but the tech wanted him to review the sono results. He said that we could do another sono in 2 weeks, at 7 weeks. The hemorrhage is very small (.4 cm), so we have a pretty good chance.

After this sono, I came home anf felt the same way I did when I lost the other baby. Completely numb, and shocked. Why did I think that the hard times where over already??!! How could I??
It feels like I have to endure all these pregnancy symptoms until they tell me it´s over. I know I am overreacting, but I can´t help it. I hope it all works out. I am going to focus on my new teaching job that starts tomorrow, and try to make it to the next sono.
Renovation Girl, how do you do it?? You are so strong. I admire you.

Positive!!

It is positive!!

Beta at 7dp5dt was 49
Beta at 9dp5dt was 148

Morning sickness...check!
Tired..check!
Sore boobs...check check!!

SO happy...and scared...so scared

Impatience

I have never been able to hold off on anything. Since I was a child. I guess I was lucky my parents gave me a lot.
It is still the same. I woke up today like a child in Christmas morning. I went and POASed (eventhough we are at 6dp5dt). AND, I saw a very faint line!!!! I hope that´s a positive this early.
This time around we are using Cri.none and Es.trace, as well as a h.cg booster shot at the time of transfer, so I am cramping like bad PMS, and I have this dull lower back pain. I am not sure if its the hormones, but it is a lot...really early.

Anyways, I already went into the forbidden world of baby.center and saw my due date. How crazy am I?? After a m/c 3 years ago!! I should know better and keep the computer away..but I really can´t. I pray that this one stays for the long run.

My husband´s response: I will be happy when you are 9 months pregnant.
I am so happy to have some POSITIVE news. You guys and my mother and husband are the only ones that know. I won´t say a word until a positive blood test, and that´s just because I have groupies cheering me on through this one. So many people has been helping me so much during this cycle. It is so overwhelming.

I'm back!

Hello bloggy friends,
I am sorry it has taken me this long to post. It was hard to come back. I felt like I had nothing to share, because I was stuck in the TTC process.
I am happy to report that I had a sFET today. I feel pretty positive about it, and I also feel like I can handle either outcome because I've been through it already. We'll see, right? I decided to pay at N.ew Ho.pe in N.ew Y.ork. I tried to get in the FREE trial, but because I had a previous I,VF done, I was not allowed. They have a great team and I really trust them. I am doing most of the monitoring locally and the major parts in the city. I have friends that let me/us stay with them. Amazingly generous of them. I did a Mi.ni-IV.F cycle. Only Clo.mid and Men.opur which still led me to have OH.SS...just a little bit. Awful thing. I had 5 frosties ( 4 as of today), all 5 day blasts and one an exp. blast. Great outcome. It was a great summer vacation for us. We visited all the main attractions, and felt like we were at home. It has been a great experience. Now, I will not do IV.F again. I have these 5 chances, and I will use them all, but I will not go through retrieval again. I have come to terms with our situation and I am happy as we are. This is all we can do.

I just want to say that I still read your blogs, I know I don't comment much anymore. I am sorry. I am super busy though.
Congrats Baby Ruth!! Sofi es una preciosidad!

New adventures

With this cycle starting next week, I have decided to try acu.puncture. It all feels very exciting and different. Hopefylly we will have a different outcome as well.
The new clinic is amazing.
Acu.puncture was really strange. I didn´t think my fear of needled would return, but it did. It was pretty gross. I worked out pretty hard the morning of it, so maybe my muscles were too tight..I don´t know. It felt very weird and not really that relaxing. I asked him to remind me of the good things that come with acu-puncture...I talk a lot when I am nervous.
I will try it one more time.

Should I try anything else? I want to stay away from Dr. Goo.gle as much as I can, so I won´t research anything else. I will start prenatals this week and acup. I stopped coffee. I am going to 2xweek exercise from 4xweek, and I am starting my anxiety diet - eat as much as I want..meaning, a total pig. I am trying to stick to my low carb, vegetarian diet as much as I can. It has proven very hard when my anxiety is running high.

My BFF is in labor. Well, she has been in labor for a few days now, and needs to be on bed rest for a week to hold the baby till 37 weeks. I am her son´s personal choffeur. I really hate this soccer mom life even more now. I drive the kiddos all around town for swimming lessons, school, food, playdates...Being a soccer mom while thinking IV.F thoughts all day long is hard. I just want to sit down and read blogs and look at my calendar over and over all day long, and I can´t. My patience is running low. Especially now, that my daughter keeps defying everything I say...

wish me luck!!

IVF # 2 is almost here...and I am afraid

Yes it is. I am definately as excited as I thought I would be, that´s for sure. I think I am afraid. Very afraid. Of the meds, shots, failiure, devastation, loss of oportunities...all of it. I guess it´s a normal reaction. Today I even questioned my capability to care for an infant. Maybe I am done?? Maybe I don´t have the patience for a baby and a 4 year old??...Most days I don´t have any doubts, but as the day to start IVF #2 approaches, I get more and more defensive.

I am starting acu.puncture next week, and the cycle starts the following week. In NY.
We have the logistics figured out and it looks great. Now I just have to get pregnant, right?

From where I stand today, I don´t think I can handle another cycle. Both phisically and emotionally. I am very exhausted and tired of changing all my plans and adjusting my life for another cycle, another trip, another try...I sure hope this one works.

DH´s numbers are lower than ever. No chance at another miracle again. I am throwing away my OPKs.

Tv is just evil

Do any of you follow Parent.hood? I love that show.
I was preparing myself for one of the main character´s pregnancy....well, she has some sort of scarring in her uterus so she can´t. One day, she decides she wants more babies, so she goes to her husband, tells him she wants to adopt and he says yes. Just like that!. So unlike the real thing...
they love to lie on TV.


Other news: DH and I head out to NYC tomorrow for the initial visit at the clinical trial. I am praying that AF shows on time...tomorrow. Yes, I´ve tested and 2xBFN. Oh well. It´s just going to be my husband and I travelling. Gordi is staying with my in laws..I have to admit, I am pretty nervous about it, but I have to relax, right? How can I relax?? There´s so much going on right now. Maybe accupuncture when I start the cycle?? mmm...

All at once..too much??

Today was a crazy insane day. I woke up to an email from my dad saying that he had spoken to Dr. Moron. He detailed the conversation and I was ok with it. I was supposed to call Dr. Moron to get the dates set according to my cycle now and all that. An hour later, I received a call from a 212 area code...which can only be from the clinical trail place. It was them! They had some openings available and she was calling people on the waiting list...WHAT!??!?! Yes, it was my turn. I told her when CD28 is and she made an appointment for me next friday. I.am.going.to. NYC. next thursday!!! DH had the wise idea of leaving gordi with his parents since we have to be in their neck of the woods on thursday anyways, and leave by ourselves.for.two.days.alone. I can´t believe it. Even if we don´t pass the initial visit stage, we are going to be alone for 2 days in NYC. I love that city. Well, they need to review our tests and give us the ok to proceed. Treatment will start 2 weeks after the initial visit, which will be the 2nd week in May. Two hours later, I called Spain, Dr. Moron. He said that June-July might not be the best time because a lot of Drs are using those months as vacation. We might have to do it from the end of August through October. He wants to do the long protocol. A problem arises here. Gordi is going to VPK next school year. VPK is a free voluntary pre-kindergarten program (3 hrs a day everyday). If the child misses 20% of the time, she´s dropped and I would have to pay from then on. I don´t want to pay, that´s for sure. I guess I could find alternatives for a decent price...Also, I could put her in school in Spain for 2 months. That´s very appealing. Her Spanish will be perfected then. So much to think about, huh?? I sure hope I am pregnant this year if I get to try IVF twice, right??

could it be...

I am so thankfull for the blogosphere and for you guys. At this point in my infertility road, I have nobody to talk to about my crazy thoughts. They all think I am crazy already and I am tired of looking like a fool. My blog is a safe zone. I can say whatever crazy idea, feeling or thought and I feel confident that all of you are going to understand and actually provide interesting and supportive feedback. So I am spotting and cramping lightly. Brownish discharge (sorry for TMI). I have ovulated on my own my last 3 cycles. Yes, on my own. It happens on day 16 and I usually get my period on day 28 or 29. Amazing, right? This hasn´t happened in 2-3 years for me. The last time I can remember having 3 regular cycles back to back was when I got pregnant and miscarried. So, as a good infertile that I am, I have been using OPK´s and doing the whole Bedding dance when I was supposed to and in the positions that I feel are more successful according to my past 2 pregnancies. DH has been taking his Ferti.laid and all!! YES!! and I didn´t have to put it in food like a dog.. The problem (or miracle) is here: I ovulated on saturday night or sunday. There shouldn´t be any blood right now, at least not until next week on wednesday. Weird, huh?? I did spot before I got my BFP on the m/c cycle. Is this implantation bleeding?? I have googled it already, and yes, it can be brownish and it usually happend a week before the period starts... Now, let´s list all the possible reasons for this spotting: Early period Some sort of pro.gesterone problem pregnancy just to have another m/c (please God, don´t make me go through that again!) .... I am very excited right now. I know I shouldn´t be...but I can´t help it. It gets me every time. So sucky. For now, I didn´t work out yesterday or today. I won´t work out all week until I get my BFN. I have a chemical peel (vitali.ze peel) on thursday. I do one of these every two months to help my skin with acne scars and new lesions. Should I cancel it? I am trying to breathe to relax when I feel like I am getting to tense (especially around my lower abdomen). What else can I do?? I am not drinking coffee this week either. What else??!! I hope this is the one. Now you all understand why I can´t say this to anyone else...they´ll feel bad for me or pity me, or think I am stupid as hell.

Men..

I was just bored, and decided to check stirrup-queens L&F page. I am so mad Mel has decided to update once a week now...oh well. I understand the reason. Idon´t know how she can do all she does. So I stoped by Erica´s blog. She is dealing with secondary IF, like me, BUT she just had a baby. So lucky huh?. I always check the way they got preggo...maybe I can do it too, right? She has PCOS too. Usually, when a woman has PCOS, they RE gives them clo.mid, met.morphin, injectables...IUI´s...everything and anything they can to force ovul.ation. The men are ok. But my man is not OK. He has been at one point, because I have been pregnant 2 times. Miracle? maybe. Not likely. So after reading that blog, I asked my husband (like many times in the past) why won´t he try the chinese medicine doctor next to his office and some Fertil.aid? I didn´t even mention diet and exercise. He´s not overweight, at least not too much. He needs to get healthy though. He shut me down. My argumet was valid. I told him that IV.F sucks and I suffered through it, and I will do it again. If we are not going to do another cycle again for another year, why not try the old fashioned way? Why can´t he go to the doctor and try and get his numbers up for a few months? It would be so easy if his numbers were better. Right now, my RE will not even consider IUI´s or clomid or anything but IV.F with IC.SI. at a very high price tag. DH thinks it is a waste of time. He seems 100% sure. I know he is trying to protect himself, but I don´t know why. It feels like he loves me less just because he won´t go through anything for me, as I´ve done for him. I can´t understand his reaction. It´s like we are back 2 or 3 years ago. I guess it is ok for me to go through IV.F alone, but it is not ok for him to get SA´s and acupuncture needles once a month. Does anybody have any wisdom for me?? Thanks!!

Updates

Everything has gone to heck. Yes, or hell, whatever you find acceptable... Why do I feel like it´s always this way?? I make plans, and none of them work... Last thursday, after a very stressful day with a job interview at Fl.orida V.irtual Sc.hool, I finally got my period. It was day CD30. Yes, pretty regular, huh? And better yet, no acne to show for it. Really weird and exciting. I am a normal woman...kind of...no weight/hair/acne/irregular period issues anymore. Weird. I am happy about it...if only I could get my DH to start a healthy diet and some exercise...I wish I could magically get his numbers up.. So, I called the iv.f trial clinic to make my initial visit appointment. They told me they were full for 6 to 8 weeks. To call then. WTF?! What am I supposed to do now?? Last time I talked to them, there was plenty of room for me. That was 2 weeks ago! So, my guess is that the trial will never happen for me. I still call almost daily. I never speak to anybody.... Now, plan #2 is plan #1. Spain. I know its free. I know it´s really my only option at the moment...but I am scared to death of doing it again. If you refer back to my posts, I really went through hell and back. They treated me horribly, they offended me constantly...I felt like an animal. I don´t need to go through that again!! Because of money?? My mom was in the US last week. I cried to her and she listened. She´s amazing. She said that maybe I can ask my dad for the money as a loan. I can repay him when I get a job...should I? My dad is very complicated and proud. I don´t think he´ll lend me the money. What if he says he won´t...I´ll never speak to him again. DH said that we could do it on our own next year, by March. (Didn´t I say this last year???). Well, DH is 100% on board now. He really wants another baby, and a sister or brother for gordi. REALLY wants one. Finally. So I am back to square one. No options untill 1 full year. I still go back and forth..maybe I should just ask my dad....maybe I should get a job and make money, use my master´s degree, build up my resume and try again in 2 years...so hard...I am going to Mo.ffit in April to get the report my local clinic needs to make me an egg donor. Maybe that will work. I am going to keep trying a lot of different things and we´ll see what happens. I am exhausted. I want to get this over with. Sigh..

Positives and Negatives

I´ve got a positive on a OPK. Finally. I guess, between all the hormones they´ve given me and the BCP I self-prescribe every once in a while haven´t allowed me to ovulate on my own. I tested this month and I ovulated on CD 21. Crazy, right? I need to research that. So my period will come in about 12 days from now. Then I will have to go to NYC to visit the clinic and get the official acceptance for the trial after the physical exam and u/s.

Negatives...well, I am becoming SO negative. Everything will be awful if you listen to my thoughts. It turns out to be better than what I think, most of the times, but I always have a feeling that whatever can go wrong, will. Not just in IF issues...all issues. Today, well, tonight I feel blue...so sad. One of those days, where the only thing that would fix me is my very own baby in my arms not letting me sleep. I crave it SO BAD sometimes. It hurts. Most days I am fine. Most days I am convinced, sure, that we will be fine just the 3 of us. Then another pregnancy announcement ruins everything. Or belly pic on face.book. Or a trip to the children´s museum. Evil Evil place.

I am ready to start the trial, or IVF in Spain. Whichever. I am not ready to be crushed again. Even this cycle. We had very timed sex. I almost forced my DH to stay in the morning yesterday for a quickie, in a very specific position...bla bla bla...Today I felt something around my uterus...I went directly into preggo symptoms mode. It has to be it...I am so nuts. I will be crashed again. I almost rather be on BCP to avoid all this. I am so done.

I am scared

I have an opportunity to possibly be a part of a clinical trial in NYC. They´ve sent me the letter accepting me if the physical and 1st u/s goes well. Which it should.

I should be happy, right? I am happy. I can´t stop thinking about this...
BUT I am doing so great right now. I love my hubby like never before. I love my daughter. I feel like I have by life back...another IVF cycle could make me loose it again. Could it?? Hopefully I have learned from the past cycle, and past experiences, and I can deal with all the dissapointments, stress, loneliness, anxiety, pain...can I?? Should I go ahead and move forward? Throw away another $4K?? In the scheme of things, $4K is not much. It could be $12 K...

I can´t let this opportunity pass...I will try it, then I know that I have another 2 tries in Spain..if I have the energy to try 3 more times. My IF road is coming to an end, regardless of the outcome. I am done with it. It feels really good to know that I am done. I am happy where I´m at. I don´t NEED another baby to be happy. I love my life and all the blessings that I have. I never thought I could to this place, this happy place. I am so proud of myself. Of course it still hurts...but I can handle it!

Things that break my heart...and put me in very ackward positions

I have been waiting for what happened today for a while now. I was watching gordi´s dance class (they let us observe the first monday of the month) and i was loving every minute of it. UNTIL...she said: "You know what?? My mommy is having a baby sister for me!"...WHAT!!. I wish I was. But I am not. Most likely I never will.

Of course, all the moms started to congratulate me and the teacher started saying something like "surprise, surprise.."...when I stopped them all with my very red face and a loud NO. I AM NOT PREGNANT.

It was awful. I wanted to cry so bad.

Then, the mom next to me started explaining how she must really want a sister to say that...REALLY...I HAD NO IDEA!. Gordi has never said anything about wanting a brother or sister. All her friends have younger siblings and she´s never mentioned it. She actually hates babies. It is a weird thing..she hates babies A LOT. This always helped me deal with our infertility, of course. I used to think: well, at least she won´t have to deal with a baby at home...One less issue to worry about.
Until today.

Besides this incident, we are all doing wonderful. My husband and I are getting along great. We are almost back to pre-IF times. I am getting used to the idea of just having one child. It gets easier and easier every day. I haven´t seen my therapist since before Christmas. Another accomplishment there. Don´t get me wrong, I cannot wait to start my meds and get this IVF round 2 started, but I am ok with my life now. It seems like a very long shot to actually get pregnant again.
Positives:
-I´ve lost all the hormone weight (8 lbs total)
-My abs have returned and my belly has dissapeared.
-I have enough energy to work out almost daily
-Anxiety has left my pantry
-Boob Job scheduled for summer 2012, after we are done with all IVFs
-I will finish my masters degree by summer 2012
-I will get back to work by summer 2012. No more holding off until the kids get to Kindergarten.

All of those things are helping me get through rough days.

Also, I am having a tough time being the soccer mom I am supposed to be...I really cannot have a conversation about what´s for dinner and about potty training and about kids! I just don´t enjoy it. at all. I love to have playdates for my daughter. She gets to play with other kids, but I hate the mommy conversations. I don´t consider myself an intelectual at all, but I can´t wait to get back to work. I might just work at my daughter´s preschool making minimum waige so I can work and not feel bad about leaving gordi in school more than I have to. I can work part time....

All the random thoughts out of my head now. I just had to share. Thanks for reading!!

New Plan

...Finally!

Like we Spaniards say, me tuve que comer el orgullo...una vez más... I had to eat my pride, again. Yes, it´s true. After I had promised my friends and family that I would never put myself through IVF, or them, really. and after I emailed my father telling him that I was never going to ask him to talk to Dr. Moron and ask him for a favor...I just had to ask my padre to please, go through the process again. To be honest, after that email, my father responded saying that he doesn't mind asking Dr. Moron for anything and/or paying for my plane tickets (and my dughter's), he also said that he's worried about me and what all these hormones do to my body. Really? My father worries about me. Makes me feel like a little girl looking for her daddy's approval again, feels nice. He's so selfish sometimes...so proud..so materialistic..that I never think he can worry about me. It is a nice surprise, in the midst of all this IF hell.

The plan is to have my mother bring me all my meds from Spain when she comes in March. Dr. Moron can give her the prescriptions, she picks them up at the low price of barely nothing thanks to the social security, and she brings the meds across the border..haha..ocean, sorry. Sounds so dangerous. Now, talking about danger...Will she have any problems bringing lupr.on over?? most likely, he'll prescribe bir.th cont.rol pil.ls. till I get there and start stims. So nice. I should just have to be there for 2 weeks of stimming, retrieval, then another few days till trasfer. A total of 3 weeks. Then off to Marbella to relax w DH. Beach house...mmm...I can smell the ocean already!!

Will it happen this way?? Probably not...but I can dream for a few weeks.

1st goal: IVF started
2nd goal: IVF finished with good embies transferred. (3 of them).
3rd goal: BABY!
4th goal: Keep my sanity and my husband..I guess I should have my husband in goal #3....I don't think we'll have any problems until I get my BFN...right??

Make up your mind!

So my husband has been changing his mind quite a bit lately...or at least he does when he talks to me. Let me explain. He wants me to STOP IT (all IF subjects, ideas, IVF cycles, etc) and move on with our lives..so most of the times when I am craying histerically telling him that we need a plan, that I need a plan...that I need to hold on to some idea of a plan he says to me to STOP IT, that we are not having any more kids and that we can´t afford another IVF. He does this to stop the crying, hoping, etc...
Every once in a while, he feels like telling me that MAYBE we can do this, or that...and MAYBE afford another cycle...AN INSANE ROLLER COASTER of emotions for me...not so much for him...

We just received some good news..a month ago DH was promoted to GM. $10K more a year. Two days ago, we found out that the bonuses that were eliminated 3 years ago are BACK! yessss!!! That can be up to 20K at the begining of next year (one full year from now).

THE PLAN: We max out our Flex spending account ($5K) this year. That gives us that much money and we don´t have to pay taxes on it. We max out or FSA next year as well. That´s $10,000 no taxes, no interest, right? If we can pay for half of the cycle before it, and the second half of the cycle when our insurance company lets us use our 2012 FSA, we can add $3K from our savings and afford ONE cycle. Very complicated. I hope you guys understand it.
We would have to pay $250 a paycheck for 2 years. The raise itself is a little over $300 a paycheck...so there it goes! Like we never got a raise. We should be in good shape when we get our bonus next year, plus I can start working August 2012 too because gordi will be in Kindergarten.

Conclusion: I will be able to do a cycle in March/April 2012. IF I get pregnant, my daughter will be 5 1/2 years old when I have the baby. So big!! But at least I get my second shot at all this.
I will be able to pick the clinic and Doctor that I want..a definite PLUS.

Another FREE cycle in Spain is not off the table...it´s just so hard to even consider going through that hell again...we´ll see what happens. Obviously, I would want to keep my money in my pocket if I could...

That´s the plan for now. Algo es algo!!